So I \[19 M\] started dating this girl \[19 F\] 8 months ago. She knows the code to my phone and when I was asleep she went through my phone. I don’t think this is **that** uncommon? But here’s what upset me:
She went to my camera roll and started looking at stuff from like a year ago. Private stuff. Convos I’d had with girls in the past and lots more.
And she didn’t even tell me. She took pictures of it all with her phone and then told me about it weeks later when I was upset about something completely unrelated. It almost felt like she was saving it to throw in my face when I was upset about something she had done wrong.
She admitted that she’s not allowed to be angry at me about it but said it was still upsetting for her to see. When she showed me I didn’t even say sorry. There was nothing she found that I had lied about. She went searching for something that she knew she wouldn’t like and I didn’t really feel like I had done anything wrong.
She’s been a really cool person so far but I’m just worried that if I ignore this big red flag it’ll bite me in the ass later.
I have “forgiven” her for it and we are in a happy place now. But it still gets to me sometimes that she did this. It just feels like a massive invasion of privacy.
Naw don’t ignore it, a *month* in and she’s already doing this crazy shit? Byeee
Invasion of privacy and use of private information against you when she’s losing an argument?
Yeah, I’d leave in a heartbeat.
I’d say this a warning, and I’d start planning my exit. The fact that she thinks it’s ok now means she’ll do it again, or worse. Don’t think you can close Pandora’s box now.
She’s a bunny boiler. You need to make a swift exit because if you had been cheating or being sketchy and she had talked to you and found something this would be different and I’d get it but she did this a month in… imagine how she is going to escalate the more time you spend with her.
I’m separated from my husband and we’ve been married 23 years together for 27 and we have NEVER WENT THRU EACH OTHERS PHONE. Why is this seen as normal now? It’s not normal.
This is a massive invasion of privacy
She went through your phone, unprovoked, in the middle of the night, and read stuff from like a year ago (before y’all dated)
Why would you forgive her if she didn’t apologize? She now believes she didn’t do anything wrong, which is not true
Couples don’t throw private stuff in each other’s face to win an argument
OP why’d you change it from a month ago to 8 months ago?
Can’t just ignore it man. Serious breach of privacy even if you already told her everything. Kinda up to you. Trust is difficult to build back up but if she’s not lording anything over you then I think you can bounce back. The plus is that you’re both young and being young can give you a few write offs for stupid things.
Tell her that she broke your trust and that all of the photos she tok need to be deleted in front of you. Thats private information from before your relationship, how would she feel if you had done that to her?
And next month she will have “The dream” and wake up mad at you.
Tomorrow, when she wakes up, one of two things is going to happen:
1. She’s going to take full responsibility for her actions. She’ll admit that she has a problem. She’ll ask for help with the problem. She will understand that what she has done is a major breach of trust, and she will accept whatever the consequences are. This is highly unlikely. However, I do genuinely believe that relationships can recover from horrible breaches of trust, such as cheating, but the only way it’s possible is if the person who cheated is mature enough to acknowledge that they knowingly, intentionally hurt their partner for the sake of their own pleasure. After all, the first step to recovery from an addiction is admitting that you have a problem. She must acknowledge her behavior and your pain, she must be willing to accept that the trust has been damaged severely, and she must be willing to accept that the relationship may not recover.
2. What’s far more likely to happen: she’s going to cry. She’s going to apologize. She’s going to beg you to stay with her, she’ll tell you that it meant nothing. She’ll vow to be different, she’ll promise to change, she’ll tell you she’ll do anything to keep the relationship. She might also get angry. She might blame you, she might tell you that you’re not affectionate enough. She might cuss you out or call you names. Hell, she could go as far as to threaten to kill herself if you leave. Here’s the thing: if she does any of these things, she’s just trying to manipulate you. She probably genuinely does feel remorse, regret, and shame. She probably genuinely does feel guilty about her actions. However, she still doesn’t care about how you feel. All of the threatening, the begging, the crying—its not about recognizing that she hurt you, it’s not about acknowledging her mistakes and trying to repair them, it’s about making herself feel better. She wants to have her cake and eat it, too. She didn’t care about your feelings when she flirted and kissed somebody else (sober thoughts are drunken actions). If she cries, pleads, begs, threatens, blames—she still doesn’t care about your feelings, she just wants to escape the consequences.
TLDR: if she doesn’t have the emotional maturity to sit down with you and say, “I have a problem. I did something horrible. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain and betrayal and anger you must be feeling right now. I want to repair the relationship, no matter how long it takes, but I understand that if our relationship is irreparable because of my actions,” then cut her loose. A relationship can only be salvaged if both parties are willing to make the necessary changes, and if she can’t acknowledge how her behavior hurt you, she won’t change.
What „private stuff“ do you mean? What kind of pictures do you have? Don’t get me wrong your girlfriend fucked up but im curious what kind of things she found.
for me it’s not a red flag. In a relationship it’s better to have an open phone policy.
Was she cheated on in her previous relationship? If she was she probably has trust issues. That is one of the awful benefits of being cheated on.
How has she been acting? Do you think she might have been projecting?
She might have been trying to see if you have cheated to justify her cheating
It will do more than “bite” you in the ass if you ignore it.
I think going through your phone to see if you are texting other girls is not a big deal. But sneaking into your past, conversations with others(family/friends), camera roll – that’s way too much tbh.
You are allowed to have privacy even while in a relationship. She broke a basic trust and boundary, do you trust her not to do it again?
Is this something you want to constantly wonder about?
My partner did this to me with messages from long before I’d even met him and he had a lot of paranoia. We have been together 6 years now and this happened a few months in. He stopped arguing about things like this about 1 to 2 years into the relationship, bar the odd comment here and there if I go out with friends, etc. My point is that you CAN get through it, if that’s what you want to do…
However, it’s not easy to be with someone with jealousy issues. It’s uncomfortable when they read your phone or emails and take photos of them (same happened to me with the screenshots). It feels awful when they’re shouting at you and name calling for something you haven’t actually done wrong, especially if you’re a very loyal person. It’s likely this will be used as ammo in arguments for a long while. Over time it beats you down and you get worried about speaking to others, even just friends and family.
If she’s worth fighting through all that for then it’s absolutely your choice, but make sure you put yourself first if it gets too much. You’re young and have the whole world in your hands. Don’t let anyone bring you down or change you 🙂
Not cool. She broke that trust, create a new pass code.
The energy and thoroughness of the unwarranted invasive search is impressive, taking pictures of non-incriminating “evidence” is mind-boggling, and then complaining of being upset, and angling for an apology is unbelievable gall.
Sorry, OP, but I fear that your GF won’t rest until her dark view of you is fully validated. Your relationship reminds me more of Eliot Ness and Al Capone than Romeo and Juliet, and all that’s left is to find out what her idea of hard time in Alcatraz feels like.
Run. She opened your phone without your consent looking for blackmail. She’s a walking talking red flag. She invades your privacy with the intention of finding filth. You should’ve broken up with her on the spot.
She reminds me of this one toxic ex. Only time I filed a restraining order.
Huge red flag. What is she angry for ? That you had a life before her?
Yes, she does appear to have been waiting to throw something irrelevant in your face to get back at you for something in the future.
I’ll tell you right now, she’s not a cool person, she’s immature and this entire post is a giant red flag.
She will do it again unless you have a mature discussion about this, but I don’t think she has the capacity to handle it honestly.
Yeah this isn’t mature at all and a giant red flag.
My partner had a past before me and I’m sure there’s messages somewhere on some form of social media he owns from the women, but I’m not interested in looking and hurting myself for absolutely no reason at all.
We have one another’s passcodes and can go through one another’s phones if we wanted to. But in three years have never felt the need.
Looking through your phone and breaking in with the passcode is one thing, taking photos of what she found is a whole other ball game.
The trust is already gone, and it’s fundamental in a relationship, the whole base of a good relationship.
I’d end the relationship as soon as I found out about the snooping.
I was a stupid 19 year old once upon a time. I cringe to think of the things I did back then so age plays a factor but it’s not forgivable imho.
Okay, I totally used to be this chick. Collecting for later use like a psycho. It won’t get better, not for you, and not because you did anything wrong. She’s just expressing her crazy-girl and you’ve gotta decide if you want to be around for that… I, however, suggest you walk the fuck away before you’ve sunk anymore time into this
this is not okay behaviour, but people don’t learn at this age unless there are consequences – aka you leaving her
She should done that