I am 22M, she’s 25F. We’ve been together for a year and moved together last week. She has this best friend (20F) who’s absolutely obnoxious. She’s too young, loud, dirty, unfriendly and somehow my girlfriend’s best girl friend. I don’t know why they like each other, but so far it’s been none of my business as I have rarely been a part of their friendship. When we meet, we’d talk, but I always prefer doing something else. But now my girlfriend has talked our landlord into giving the spare apartment below us (2 apartments in one house) to her best friend. I was not a fan of having her best friend around all the time and I told her that, but my gf wouldn’t let go of the idea. She’s moving in next month.
I couldn’t believe when my girlfriend told me that she’s made a spare key to our flat and gave it to her best friend and told her that she could use our rooms whenever she wanted as our apartment is a lot bigger. Not only do I not like her, I especially do not want her in our rooms. My gf sees no problem and says that she’s her best friend and she cares about her. It seems absolutely irrelevant that I despise this woman (her friend). I do not want her around 24/7.
How do I approach this? How do I tell my gf that I don’t like her best friend? How do I get the key back? Neither my gf nor the best friend knows the true extent of how much I can’t stand her. And I don’t want to be the bad guy that tells her she’s not welcome as she’s our new neighbor and I don’t want any conflict.
“This apartment is our home. I consider it our sanctuary. I do not want others to come in uninvited whenever they want. This makes me very uncomfortable. There needs to be boundaries. One of which is your friend doesn’t get to come and go whenever she wants with her own key just because she now happens to live downstairs. Who gets keys to our apartment is a two yes, one no decision. I need you to get the key back.”
If that doesn’t work, start spending all your time at home in your underwear. That should solve the problem real quick.
You have the right to want privacy in your own home. Doesn’t matter if you don’t get along with her friend. And it’s wrong that your gf made this decision without talking to you first about it.
Getting that key back will be the hill this relationship could die on. Because that’s gonna strain things between you, the GF and the friend.
She should have gone over this with you. But her mind right now is thinking about her and her friend living a “F.R.I.E.N.D.S.” type of life. With you as a side actor.
You can try to really make it clear to the GF that you want some privacy in your own home. What happens if he’s alone at home in the shower and she waltzes in? Or you two are having sex? Or just y’know you want to be at peace and unwind in the comforts of your own damn four walls? Boundaries need to be set NOW. But I’d expect to be looked at like a villain by both of them as they don’t yet see things from a normal POV. They’re too excited right now.
Best of luck <3
Next, her friend can’t afford the other apt and just moves in with you.
Ooof, not ok. Your girlfriend is being super selfish and inconsiderate. She is treating the shared apartment as her own personal space where she has the ultimate say in who gets to have access and how often. How can you expect to ever feel comfortable in your own home if you never know who is going to walk through that door, let alone someone you absolutely do not like/want to be around.
You’ve gotta put your foot down, my guy. You don’t have to be mean or rude when you do it, but be *firm* with your boundary. Tell her you’re glad she has a friend that is so close to her now, but you don’t feel comfortable with anybody but the two of you having keys to your apartment. If you really wanted to stir things up, you could go directly to the landlord and plead your case about not feeling comfortable with the friend having a key to the apartment and it isn’t something you agreed to. Honestly, I am kind of shocked because he enabled a stranger access to his unit without signing any kind of legally binding document. If she damages something, who is responsible? Can’t be you guys since the landlord GAVE her a key to his dwelling with no lease agreement?? Like, what if you guys move out….this whole situation sounds so messed up.
I hope that friend doesn’t have a BF as I have an ex that did this around your age and guess why she gave her the key
I’d just go zero tolerance here (like i did back then)
Nobody comes into our place unless one of us is here, get that key back or i’m going to seriously think about if i want to live with you
That was so disrespectful towards you, she had to ask first
“That doesn’t work for me. Please get the key back. I wish you had asked me first. I would have told you I don’t want your friend wandering in and out without an invitation.”
Give a key to one of your boys, and just have him come over randomly every once and awhile. See if she is cool w that.
The fact your GF doesn’t care about your feelings shows me she will do whatever she wants, no matter what you say.
Put your foot down now or need to think twice about moving in together.
“*Girlfriend, I’m sorry but I didn’t sign up to be something so close to your friend’s roomate. I sort of dislike her personality but I’ve set that aside as I didn’t want to interfere in your friendship. But giving her a key to our place and telling her to come in any time is not OK with me. Either the key comes back and the open invitation is cancelled, or I’m out of here and we go back to living separately. “*
You tell her that you dont want her bestfriend being able to stop by anytime and entering YOUR apartment whenever she feels like it. If the bestfriend is more important tell your gf maybe she should just move in with her, get a key for your most obnoxious friend and tell your gf that her feelings dont matter they get a key. Give her a taste of her own medicine
That apartment is a shared space and giving out keys is a 2 Yes 1 No situation. You don’t both agree so she needs to get the key back.
So I think you tell your girlfriend:
1. We should only be giving keys to people if we both agree to do it. That you want to be clear that you wouldn’t give a key out without talking to her about it first, and you would appreciate it if she did the same.
2. Having someone close by with an emergency key is great, and friend having one could be helpful!
3. BUT, you do not want anyone who isn’t you or her to be able to access your home whenever they want. That anyone who has a key is only to use it when YOU ask them to (we are going away, can you water plants), or when there is an emergency and they tell you that they are using the key (my apartment has no running water, can I come over and shower).
4. Tell your girlfriend that you do not want this friend in your home at all when she isn’t home, so she needs to clear up that the key is just for emergencies, and also your girlfriend needs to understand that her friend can’t come and go in your home as she pleases. Girlfriend must be there with her at all times, and when she leaves, friend leaves. You will do the same with your visitors.
5. If girlfriend can’t agree to set these terms and enforce them, then you do not want her friend to have a key.
I think you start there, so then nothing is about how you don’t like this friend, just about boundaries in the home. Then, when she breaks those boundaries, it is still about her not respecting what the two of you agreed to- but that means you stick to these rules too- and then if it just about the friend being around at all, you just have to talk about that as a separate issue.
I have questions.
1. How long has your gf and her “best friend” known each other?
2. As this friend does stuff to you personally that causes you to not like her?
If they have been friends for a few years, you might not have a leg to stand on. If this is a new friendship, you might have chance.
I’ve never known anyone at 20 that wasn’t annoying or obnoxious, I know I was. You can always setup cameras in your house and see if the “best friend” comes over when she’s not suppose to. Then you can show your gf and then she can deal with it.
You can always walk around your place nude or in your underwear. Only problem you have then is if the best friend likes what she sees. lol
Put your foot down. If that doesn’t work, leave.
I agree with most comments. I’d put my foot down, not play passive aggressive little games, like loafing in my BVD’s or letting my bros hang around. Shit, I’d go so far as to pack up and leave. You’re only 22. She’s 25. She’s trying to find out how much she can walk all over you. First it’s the girl friend with a key to YOUR apartment, next it’s a “guy friend” with a key to the apartment YOU also pay for.
Screw that! You have the right to have privacy inside your home.
Make a spare key and give it to your best friend. See if it’s still ok with your girl.
Time to break up and move out. A partner who steamrolls your boundaries like that is not a partner worth keeping. You are the side dude.
Get out before you lose all your stuff and she wrecks your appartment, which will happen garantueed.
Time to find another place to live
Did she even ASK you to do this? That’s extremely rude on her end and an invasion of personal space.
Do you know what your landlord’s stance is on duplicate keys being made, and handed out? Some places forbid that.
Sounds like she wants to date her friend and not you. Either stand up for yourself and lay out boundaries with your gf then have a meeting with both of them and go over the agreed upon rules. If gf and friend can’t cope then they can get an apartment together themselves.
It was wrong for your gf to give her a key without your input but you need to be honest with your gf about how much you don’t like her friend. And when you do have this conversation be prepared for your gf to choose her friend over you and then decide how you want to proceed with your relationship. Right now it doesn’t seem like your gf is very considerate of your feelings.
I think you have to be blunt and tell her something like “I know X is your best friend, but she is not my friend. I’m very happy for you to hang out with her, but I do not want her to feel like she lives here. That makes me uncomfortable and not only do I not want her here when you are not here or both of us are not here, I don’t want her to feel like our home is hers. Again, this makes me uncomfortable and is too large a sacrifice of my privacy. If my discomfort is less important to you than offering your friend unfettered access to our home for literally no real reason, then we have to have a pretty serious talk about continuing to live together. Because this is either OUR home or YOUR home, and if my needs, comfort, want for privacy and consent for major decisions like this is irrelevant to you, it’s pretty clear what you truly think.”
You tell your gf to get the key back and that you’re leaving her if she doesn’t. Then follow through.
> Neither my gf nor the best friend knows the true extent of how much I can’t stand her.
Start there. Your gf most likely doesn’t realize what a strain this is going to put on you. That being said…
This is gonna put everyone in a bad spot for not getting this all communicated sooner. I know that you probably had no idea that your gf was gonna give away a spare key, but at this point I have a feeling your gf is going to feel like she’s having to choose between her bf or her best friend. I don’t think there’s a way for her to take back her spare key from her friend/neighbor without it being apparent that it’s because you have a problem with the best friend.
Maybe you’re able to come to some compromise where the friend only comes over on certain nights. Or maybe they just go in a certain room. Or maybe your gf goes over to her place more often. I think there’s ways to make this work, but it all starts with your gf understanding how much this will bother you and just how much stress you’re feeling from this.
Talk to gf, that was a huge thing to do without your permission.
Tell her, you don’t want anyone going in and out of the apt. Without your knowledge. And you are uncomfortable with anyone else having a key to the apt. No mom’s, no friends, you and gf, that’s it.
Make sure the girl in particular is not mentioned. You don’t want mother Theresa having a key.
Change the locks. When your gf can’t get in, explain to her that as ridiculous as an action of you changing the locks without her knowledge is, it’s even dumber to give someone that doesn’t live with you a key to your place, especially when you didn’t ask if the other person(people) that live there are ok with x person having a key.
Seriously, how are people THAT dense?
Tell your gf that now that her best friend has moved in so close that you want to explore a threesome with her. If she doesn’t like the idea, maybe she gets her to move out, if she does like the idea then… threesome! It’s a win-win.
It sounds like you want her to not be around because you don’t like her but you don’t want to say that you don’t like her or that you don’t want her around?? Just say what you mean. You aren’t comfortable with somebody else having a key to your home, and you don’t want her to have one.
If your gf doesn’t accept that, then I guess it’s just get a key made for your most obnoxious, irresponsible friend and let him demonstrate the error of her ways.
I mean, obviously don’t do that. Just tell her you don’t want anyone else having your key.
What is the apartment lease situation?
>I am 22M
>She has this best friend (20F) who’s absolutely obnoxious. She’s too young
She’s only two years younger than you, so I’m gonna guess you’re not talking about her age? Do you mean she acts like a child despite being 20?
Maturity doesn’t always give with age, that’s for sure; just trying to understand you, u/greatoftheturtle.
Onto the post; your gf does not set boundaries with this bff, & has violate your rights as someone who’s name is on the lease.
Honestly, that’d be enough for me to walk, but you could try discussing this with her, see if she comes around. She had no right to do what she did.
Give a key to one of your friends, then ask the friend to hit on your girls friend. Develop a deep bond, start dating…then perform the act in your apartment one day as you and your gf come home. Downfall ensues, then your friend will break up with her. Ultimate revenge plan.
As it’s a shared space, she REALLY should have discussed with you first.
Some people have different interpretations of boundaries and it seems to be the case here.
If you don’t want conflict, I don’t really know what to say. You can coll over here and say nothing, but you will end up building resentment until you inevitably blow off steam.
If it were me, I’d address before the friend moves in downstairs.
Ah the she’s my best friend so everything she does is ok and great!!! Seen that before also seen it when it all comes crashing down because best friend wasn’t actually that great and stole a load of money!
I gave your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt until you said:
>told her that she could use our rooms whenever she wanted as our apartment is a lot bigger.
I can see her giving a spare key for situations like checking on mail, pets, plants when you guys are away, but this would also make me feel uncomfortable having someone I don’t like have access to my place 24/7. You need to establish boundaries with your girlfriend. It’s your home too unless your name is not on the lease.
how convenient that that apartment just happened to come up, and you just happened to have moved in together right beforehand.
I’m old and cynical, and something else is going on here.
this would be my hill to die on
Be obnoxiously polite to the BF every time you see her.
Maybe she likes hanging out with much younger people because she feels she doesn’t have to take any of them seriously, including her boyfriend…
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