Hey all, so I’ve been getting all up in my own head about this and don’t really have anyone appropriate to talk to, so I came here.
So just some details about my situation, I (22M) have been dating my GF (22F) for almost 10 months now. And only about 2 months into the relationship my friends threw a party for my birthday, and everyone was drinking and having fun. Now sometime later during the party as people started trickling out, one of the people that stayed back was my good friend (let’s call her) Jane (21F).
Now Jane and my GF were on the main floor of my house dancing and singing in front of me and my cousin and just being typical drunk girls, and I had no problem with that because we were all just having a good time. That was until the girls started hugging BF/GF style (My GF’s hands around Jane’s waist and Jane’s hands around my GF’S neck) and their faces were millimeters apart; then they started talking about how attractive they found each other and “OMG you’re so hot!”. That was when they went in and started kissing each other with smiles all over their faces while all I did was watch wanting to throw up. Jane then pulled away and came up to me quickly and said: “OMG I’m so sorry if that upset you I’m really sorry and If you don’t like it I won’t do that again”. And before I could even say anything my GF pulled her away from me while still dancing, leaned her back into a dip then started kissing her again. If it wasn’t bad enough the first time the way she did it a second time just ripped my stomach into my throat.
The morning after, I talked to my GF about it and expressed how much it upset me and that I hated seeing that and she rebuts with “I thought you would’ve liked it” and “I thought you’d think it’s hot” and sometime after I told her I “forgive” her so she would stop being upset that I was upset. But obviously, I didn’t forgive her, and when I replay what she did in my head and just the way she held Jane, I get the same gut-wrenching feelings all over again.
Now yes, I understand it’s a lot of guys’ fantasy to watch 2 girls make out, and trust me it’s mine too… just not when it’s with my GF and my close friend.
Someone, please help me out with some advice I don’t know what to do about this feeling I keep getting or how to RE-confront it to my GF after we already talked about it
TLDR; My GF made out with my close friend right in front of me and I consider it cheating, I already “Forgave” her when I really didn’t. What do I do, how should I confront this problem again?
Edit: When I started my cousin was there with me watching he chimed in “Wait, isn’t that cheating”. And that’s another thing that bugs me is that it’s not like the kiss was privately for me, which made it really uncomfortable.
You don’t have to get over it. But you shouldn’t have told her you forgive her.
Hey dude, it’s ok to view that as cheating. Other people might not, and that’s ok too.
What’s not ok is your gf dismissing your feelings or engaging in an actual discussion of boundaries. If she wants to be able to do this that’s also ok, but it may be incompatible with you in which case it warrants discussion rather than minimizing your feelings.
But I need to point out one thing in particular. Why did you cave when she was angry at you? That to me shows you do not know how to stand up for yourself in a relationship; I empathize bc this is something I also struggle with. But it’s incredibly important to be able to do this when it’s important to you – as this, 8 months later, clearly is.
Personally, I think too much time has passed and you either have to let it go and really forgive her, or break up. It will bit improve if you can’t do one of those two things.
However, you also do need to have a conversation with her about this, about the nature of what is and isn’t cheating, and about how you both show up when the other person is upset – and validating rather than minimizing feelings.
I would start it as “hey, do you remember X? Well, I know I said I forgave you. But I’m sorry but I haven’t, I said that to get you to stop being mad at me for being upset. I realize now that was wrong, and les to the issue being unresolved.”
Then give her a chance to respond. How she responds is so important. She could acknowledge your feelings, and her conduct and feelings, or she can minimize it again.
If the latter, stop here, You won’t get any further until this is addressed. Tell that to her.
And honestly if she still won’t meaningfully engage, I would end it.
My guy there is no “technically” to any of this she cheated plain and simple I mean she even stopped the first time asked are you upset by the thing I just did I won’t do it again if you say not to and then just dips back to continue kissing the other girl directly Infront of you and honestly with a friend no less I mean are you still friends with the girl cause id really hope not
Yo wtf is up with all the replies saying get over it?! The dude watched his woman cheat on him in person.
Y’all mfs are the reason this society is goin to shit.
Trash bags everywhere, I swear
She has a lot of growing up to do, op. She sounds like she craves attention and that’s not a good sign. That kind of behavior should have been left behind in high school.
Yes this is cheating I’m a bi female and I’d say it is she didn’t even ask you if you was okay with it your friend did and your girlfriend pulled her away to carry on, she didn’t care if you was uncomfortable and she knew it was wrong she didn’t even apologise instead she tried blaming it on you saying she thought you’d like it and find it hot which she would have found out when your friend asked you if she hadn’t pulled her away before you had the chance to answer
I will say you should have stopped it she can’t read your mind so even if she did think you thought it was hot it was up to you to put a stop to it and make your feelings known
It’s up to you OP but to answer your question yes this is cheating
Had exactly the same thing happen with an ex, she thought because it was with a girl I’d find it a turn on. I didn’t.
Took a few days and a few emotional conversations (she was emotional) for us to establish boundaries. I took it as a learning experience because up until that point I’d always just taken for granted that my partners would think the same way I do and I didn’t have a clue that establishing what we do and don’t expect was even a thing. I will say that had she done that with a guy I would have finished with her on the spot
It’s all about your boundaries in your relationship.
If others find it fun…GREAT. But in your relationship if you don’t want your girlfriend kissing another person regardless of gender…then you have a right to be upset
Dude, you have been together 5 times longer than you were when this happened. You have been holding on to this way too long and that’s not healthy for you or fair to her. You either get over it or get out of the relationship or deal with it for the rest of your life. That’s it, those are your three options.
Woah, if I understand this right, this happened 8 months ago? And you’ve been feeling like its unresolved all this time? I’m sorry dude, that’s gotta hurt like hell.
I think what you do now really depends on how you feel about her and how your relationship is otherwise.
It’s true girls are taught that girl-on-girl action is every guys dream, so it’s possible this was a genuine, awful and horrible miscommunication. However it also does meet the definition of cheating, and you’re perfectly entitled to feel really messed up about it. Honestly I think this is a real grey area and depends a lot on what led up to it, what she was thinking in the moment, and how she reacted afterwards. You know her and the situation better than we do, what do you think?
I mean, honestly? I think the fact you are still cut up about it points to deeper issues. I don’t think you’d be this upset if it was only a simple miscommunication and nothing more. Maybe you don’t really trust her, maybe she was dismissive of your feelings and now you don’t feel safe around her. It’s possible that this was a genuine mistake on her part, but that her reaction afterwards just wasn’t good enough and didn’t fix the severity of the mistake. Whatever happened, it feels like this has broken something more fundamental in your relationship. If you love her and think it’s worth salvaging your relationship, you really need to address this. Otherwise, break up.
Stop saying you have “forgiven her” when you clearly havent.. talking to us isn’t going to change anything.. you told her how upset it made you when she did it her your friend and then again later… if she hasn’t changed her actions/attitude knowing how you view her actions then its time to cut ties and move on… if you keep saying of yeah no worries I forgive you she gonna think it’s alright to keep doing.
This is cheating and you’re allowed to be hurt, angry or over it. The fact she seemed to recognise your discomfort and do it a second time makes it even worse.
She ain’t your gf…
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OP – the bottom line is she cheated on you. Right in front of you. Doesn’t fucking matter that it was with a woman. Plus your friend! What a fucking asshole.
You can of course choose to forgive her and put a boundary in place for monogamy. Or you can choose to dump her. Dump would be my suggestion here. Also cut off you “friend”. Friends don’t fuck around with your gf. Full stop.
you told her you forgave her 8 months ago… even when you didn’t. and continued as if it wasn’t ripping you apart daily? okay. i really don’t know how to advise you on this.
Is it really that much of a common fantasy to watch 2 female strangers make out? Sounds pretty creepy to me.
Yeah she cheated on ya.
The whole yeah I wanna see two girls make out just not my gf and close friend is trashy. What just cause you can’t objectify them it makes it less hot or something ?
What really gets me is your friend noticed it bothered you and your girlfriend didn’t care, she just kissed her again. That was your gf’s moment to back off and apologize but she chose to ignore your feelings. Honestly nothing should have happened without a talk on what’s okay in the relationship.
You don’t have to get over it and you shouldn’t say you forgive her when you don’t . We don’t know your relationship other than this but this is something you’ll have to work on with her or break up. She totally didn’t care about your feelings in that moment. I’m not sure how you can get over it but you do you.
There are a few things going on here that I think you should consider before trying to reconcile with this girl.
First of all, she’s done it to you in the past. Now she’s done it two more times, so three times in total she has disrespected you, all of them in public.
So she’s shown she doesn’t care what you think about things. All of this happened in less than a year. Drinking doesn’t excuse it even a tiny little bit.
Lastly, you’re unable be clear with your feelings. Apologizing to her for HER issues is absolutely ridiculous. I would absolutely tell her that saying that was a mistake and that you were simply trying to defuse the situation.
So for me, I’d say get the hell out of that relationship. You’re young, you’re in the prime of your life and can find other people. This isn’t a long-term relationship. She’s shown on multiple occasions around lots of people that she has absolutely no regard for your feelings. I would think my staying in something like that would send a clear signal that she can do whatever she wanted to do because I’d just excuse it or be a chump regardless.
Yeah that’s definitely cheating, doesn’t matter the gender. And it’s weird that she would be mad at you being mad about something she did to you. And she isn’t considerate of your feelings at all, just tries to justify it “I thought you would like it.”
Your girlfriend made a move on a girl in front of you on your birthday. She didn’t do it secretly in another room, she did it intentionally in front of you. It sounds like she was trying to do something she thought you would find hot. You didn’t find it hot.
If she was making an effort for you and you didn’t like it, it’s an honest, sad mistake. If she was just so uncontrollably attracted to Jane she couldn’t keep her hands off of her in spite of you being there then you have a different issue.
The latter is probably grounds for a break up. The former is grounds for a talk. Establish boundaries. I’m not saying this was the intent, I have no idea, but if you had been invited to participate in that escapade would you have felt differently about it? If your girlfriend wanted a threesome would you be on board.
You won’t know what her thought process was unless you talk about it, and she won’t know your boundaries unless you tell her. Your boundaries are your own to decide. Too many times people hop on here and ask “is this cheating?” Only you get to decide what cheating is. If this felt like cheating to you, than it was. But if you didn’t tell her this would be a turn off and you would consider it cheating, it isn’t wild to think that she would have thought you would like it.
I wouldn’t say she’s in the wrong for trying, and I wouldn’t say you’re in the wrong for being upset. Your relationship was two months old and you are both learning about eachother.
I recommend you try and really forgive her. This was possibly a misplaced effort to please you.
If after you establish boundaries they still get crossed, then you break up.
Break up with her. She cheated on you in front of you. That takes some balls drunk or not. You deserve better.
That’s definitely cheating even on your birthday… Your gf is a horrible person and she’s not even sorry so is your friend Jane
>Someone, please help me out with some advice I don’t know what to do about this feeling I keep getting or how to RE-confront it to my GF after we already talked about it
This is 8 months ago, right?
Has anything like that happened since? Has she grown up some? What is your actual goal in bringing it up: Do you think she doesn’t understand the problem or do you need to feel better about it?
I’m starting to see a lot of posts where the boyfriends are very passive or passive aggressive for that matter. I wish men would stand up for themselves if you don’t like something speak on it don’t wait two or three or four days to bring up a topic that’s not fresh anymore if you didn’t like what you seen at that specific moment you should have said something now you have to go back in time to fix something in present time that just makes no sense.
Fucj them both
You held onto this for **8 months**?!
Move on. You’re not going to forget and you certainly haven’t forgiven her…so why keep spinning your wheels.
Talk about munsoning the moment…
Plenty of comments saying to get over it but if you CANT get over it don’t force yourself. She cheated on you because your boundaries were crossed.
Dude get rid of her you two aren’t sexually aligned.
I see she got you with the ole “Now I’m upset because you’re upset, how dare you upset me with your upsettiness?!”
She’s attention seeking & at your expense, knowingly as she did it again more recently although she was fully aware of your feelings on it. She reeks of incredibly immature.
It’s not cheating if it with another girl, what’s wrong with you people.
>”I thought you would’ve liked it” and “I thought you’d think it’s hot”
it would’ve been discussed before hand not in the moment. she did not take your feelings into accouny until after rather than discussing what you do like. i think she might be using you as a cover up, she seems like shes dismissing your feelings too. its not worth staying in the relationship if shes doing stuff using that “excuse” hoping to get away with it. if you cannot build that trust back, leave its better for you.
So you’ve let her believe your lie that you forgave her for the last 8 months?
My ex did this. I forgave her. 5 months later she broke up with me for 5 days. Fucked a guy for 4. She talked to me and said she made a mistake and she wants me back. Dumb me took her back and I found out about the fucking the dude for 4 out of the 5 days a few months later. That break up was an excuse to fuck someone. I noped out after that. Don’t trust people like this.
Now I try to assume people do things for a logical reason, and drunk isn’t really an excuse. My bet here, is you’ve talked about/mentioned stuff like this before. So what’s my advice? Literally just talk to her. People have different lines/levels of cheating and people have different kinks. Have a conversation
non post related but it irks me when men say that its their fantasy watching 2 girls making out or doing it , and even worse when women play into that sick fantasy that only hurts and fetishizes the wlw community :/
>But obviously, I didn’t forgive her
You are an adult. Your word is as good as how you use it. Do not say you forgive if you don’t. Do not promise peace when there is chaos inside you.
You lied. You cannot expect her to read your mind even if the truth is as plain as the ocea is blue. Not only does this make you look flip floppy, she now has legitimate reason to be upset with you, and while thats not a issue for most, its a huge issue for you. Why?
Because i fan tell you’re a people pleaser from just this post. Lying about how someone hurts you, bottling up your emotions, fear of confrontation and enforcing boundaries.
This is going to cost you everywhere you go. It needs to stop, and you need to get therapy for it while you work on it yourself.
That said, you fix this by being bluntly honest. Stop sugar coating and handing out “its okay even if its not okay” **and stand up for how you feel.**
Your case was entirely legitimate until you did your best wet noodle impression.
I can also tell your GF is one of those people who *like* walking on peoples boundaries. Shes *upset that you are upset??* she caused the issue in the first place.
This relationship is going to end poorly and quickly even if you wake up tomorrow a new man.
That said, TLDR- get some therapy and dont say things you dont mean. Stand up for your values/boundaries even if it pisses people off, because if they will take issue qith that boundary instead of reapecting you, they aren’t in your life for *you* they’re in your life for *them*.
This sounds like the kind of mistake you make when you’re young and don’t realise there’s a difference between fantasy and bringing something to life. Just because someone has a fantasy with a third person doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be involved in the selection and discussion. You’re all so young, have a chat and clearly articulate why you’re upset, see if you can communicate your way out of this and if not then break up.
If it wasn’t an already established boundary, then I would give her a little bit of leniency. If she does it again, then it’s absolutely cheating. My boyfriend and I had the discussion very early on in the relationship about what we consider cheating and what our boundaries are.
Also a word of advice, don’t forgive somebody if you’re not actually ready to forgive them. All that’s going to happen is she’ll move on because she thinks the issue is resolved, and you’ll sit there and fester over the issue because it’s not resolved for you. That doesn’t do anybody any good.
You both need to have a long talk. If you decide you can’t forgive her, then that’s a totally acceptable reason to break up. As much as these situations suck, they’re learning experiences to help make future relationships stronger.
This would have been a dealbreaker for me, cheating is cheating. Even if it’s just for attention, I’d think that was pathetic.
That said, it was 8 months ago and you already talked about it. What exactly would you like her to change now? What will bringing it up again do? If you’re not over it, I don’t think she can say anything new to make you get over it. You don’t trust her now. It seems like it’d be best to end it.
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