My girlfriend while we were cuddling mentioned someone else
A couple nights ago me and my girlfriend were cuddling in bed and she wanted to listen to my heartbeat then I wanted to listen to her heartbeat. After I listened to her heart beat she then said “oh I remember something me and my FWB had sex and then he held me all night and listened to my heart beat because I was so still that he thought I was dead.”
After that night I’ve been rather upset because of the situation because of the fact that she was thinking of one of her past relationships while we were having an intimate time. I was really upset that night and decided that I couldn’t bear to sleep in the same bed as her and moved to sleep in the living room couch instead.
I talked to her about it but she says that she feels like I don’t want her to be honest in our relationship because I’m not comfortable with her talking about her past. But I feel like her thinking about another person while we’re being intimate makes me wonder why shes thinking about why shes thinking about having had sex with another person. I don’t want to end the relationship because I truly love her but is there any advice I could get to help get the way I feel across to her!
You should tell her that it’s fine to talk about her past, but there is a time and a place. Snuggling and being cute with your current partner is not the time to talk about an ex. Tell her it’s fine to talk about this stuff but to also respect your feelings and limit it to appropriate times
This felt so awkward, like just awkward to read, awkward to understand.
I couldn’t imagine like, having sex with my gf, rolling off and being like “god I remember with my ex, we fucked like this and she did this and it was great haha”
Doesn’t sound like your gf is malicious, probably just naive/an idiot.
Yeah that was a bit uncalled for. It wasn’t fair to you that she would make comments like that during an intimate moment.
How old are you guys? How long have you been together?
Lol when my autistic partner and I got together I was sucking him off and I said to him “tell me something sexy” so he then proceeds to tell me about a sexual story with another girl he had been with in detail. I said, “what the fuck how do you think that’s appropriate”
He never made that mistake again.
You say you want her to be open of course, but you had hoped she was in the moment with you and not stuck in a previous memory. Though she may suffer with intrusive thoughts that help to get out. She probably wasn’t thinking and in her mind the only thing that made it less special was you leaving to sleep somewhere else. Next time I hope you can tell her that you would like her to stay in the moment with you. She probably thought it was funny that he thought she was dead, but she should have been more sensitive fr.
Edit. If it were me when I felt like that after she said it, I’d say, “but this is more special to you then that time, right? I’m feeling a bit insecure now because this moment has been special to me”
Seeking reassurance is good sometimes in these cases.
That comment was unnecessary and she should have kept it to herself. The fact that she said it was crazy
So, you write in the comments that she constantly talks about her fwbs and exs.. I’m sorry to say this mate, but you’ve already established that it’s alright to talk about them whenever she wants.. Of course now that you’ve set a boundary, she should respect that, but do remember that this sound like the first time you’ve done so regarding this..
Anyways, I’d find it more worrisome that she feels like talking about them all the time.
That kinda honesty is just unecessary and causes insecurity , stupid move on her part
“You don’t want me to be honest.”
Ain’t nobody want to hear about you and your prior fuck buddy while I’m laying with you! Absolutely dumb.
It can be hard for people to understand that they need to keep things to themselves and not always tell a story to relate, even if they think it’s funny and it doesn’t have any emotional significance to them.
There’s a time and place. Also the saying, “know your audience” is relevant. If you tell her it hurts you and she doesn’t care, consider if you want to be with her.
It seems she has a problem knowing when to speak, how to speak and what to speak.. It’s nothing you can do, a lot of people has this problem. My sister has this, she speaks the most awkward things in the worst situation that she can speak.. It is really hard to cope up with. Let her know that you didn’t like it and now considering whether your relationship even matters… You need to be stern and show her that it was uncalled for and very rude.. And that you’re hurt… If she cares about you, she will apologize and probably try to make things right again..
Don’t listen to everybody.. Most people don’t care and probably advice you to break up and this and that.. Don’t, I’d say try to get clarity over this.. Do talk with her about this, and since it’s just once, it might be the thing, I said earlier.. If she keeps on talking about her ex, then that’s when you break up. Not now.. People start breaking up and changing relationships like everyday clothes and then scream, “Love is dead”. You have to give a chance and be more malleable.. And she from her side must complement and fit just like a substrate molecule does with an Enzyme.. Let her know and see if she changes.. I hope this advice helps, unlike others who can’t keep relationships for more than 10 days..
There will always be ups and downs.. Not always will you be satisfied with your partner, and neither will you be able to change.. Maybe she secretly hates something about you, which you don’t know.. Let her know ( I know I’m saying this for the 3rd time) , be stern, and give her the time to absorb and make ammends.. If she continues, then say goodbye to her, but not now.. You’ll never find the apparent ” True love ” .. True loves are never found, they are made..
I mean, I understand that you don’t fully control when thoughts or memories pop up, but you also don’t have to say anything when they do.
When hopeless romantics meet pragmatists and get it on
Idk.. I would say that it’s not a big deal but also pretty problematic for the long term if not addressed. I have/had an issue with that.. inserting stories of times I had with other women into conversations with a current partner. To me, I felt like it was innocent, just relating experiences I had that I found memorable for whatever reason.. and because historically I have been a serial relationship guy and pretty codependent, the majority of my life experiences involved romantic partners.
However.. when I was called out on it by a woman I was with a few years ago (oh shit, here I go again lol), I had to admit to myself, and then to her, that sometimes I will mention experiences with women that are somewhat extreme.. in this instance it was about the time my friend and I were having a threesome with my ex and I had her wrists tied with a phone cord (don’t do this folks, take a shibari class before you use restraints that can cut off circulation) and he shoved a sock in her mouth.. it was tangentially related to the conversation but still maybe not necessary to mention.
She (correctly) pointed out that I had a tendency to pepper conversations with spicy bits like that and it felt to her like I was trying to make her feel insecure, to manipulate her into feeling like she had to compete with ghosts for my attention and approval. I protested my innocence at first, but like, she was absolutely right. From that conversation on, every time I’ve been in talking to a partner and casually slipped in a story about someone at work hitting on me, or receiving a random DM from a female acquaintance or ex, or felt the need to detail past sexual experiences to a partner who wasn’t going story for story with me (some people are into that, YMMV), I’ve been confronted by her voice in my head telling me how transparent and pathetic that kind of behavior is.
Chances are she doesn’t recognize what she’s doing.. she probably learned to be manipulative as a survival mechanism, and it feels so natural she doesn’t realize how it might affect her partner. If she makes a habit of this kind of thing, I’d have a RESPECTFUL conversation with her about it. If it’s a one off and she doesn’t normally mention exes in conversation, I’d let it slide and not waste too much energy on it.
It looks like it just happened to trigger a thought that went through her mind. It happens, it wasn’t very thoughtful or considerate.
There isn’t neccessarily anything deeper than that.
I will never understand people who have to bring up their exes all the time. Just stop it.
I think a quarter of the stories in this forum are about people so full of themselves that they forget that showing some polite consideration for the people sharing their lives doesn’t make them less. Some people just want free range to ignore everyones feeling except their own…at least right up to the point that they run into another ass like themselves and then it’s, “Why would you say that, thats so mean.”
Updateme!
you be honest about things like that when you’re having a serious conversation, not when you’re fucking cuddling with your head on your bfs heart, literally listening to his heart beat.
shes an idiot. not only that its pretty clear if in those intimate moments with you, shes thinking about other men. that in itself shows shes not 100% there for you and clearly still thinks about other men.
If she treats you well and your relationship is healthy, her brain probably just made the connection and she shared it with you. Not everyone has awful past relationships and sometimes certain memories stick. You can communicate to her that hearing about exes makes you insecure and while you will work on that, maybe she can relay those stories to a journal or girl friend.
i dont think you can stop someone from having chain memories, but she doesnt have to talk about it
what she thinks honesty is, and what it is in a relationship, quite different. completely inappropriate for her to mention anyone else in the bed with you. honesty in a relationship is what you said to her about this guy, or ‘honey there’s parsley in your tooth’ or i know this may be too soon but i don’t think i want kids.
Please re-think about how much you truly love her. she knows this bothered you but instead of apologizing and saying she would never do it again, she threw back the honesty bs in your face.
start bringing up other girls to her, she how she likes it.
OP, this is not what a gf who loves you does.
Probably she didn’t really think twice about it, it’s inconsiderate but sometimes happens. The other day I was sleeping with my head on my gf chest and I suddenly remembered how in a past relationship the guy told me to sleep in his chest but his chest was so freking uncomfortable and I didn’t say anything bc I was shy back then, I told her about that though without thinking twice bc I thought it was funny and then realised that she could be uncomfortable hearing something about an ex in that situation, but it was to late haha
Bro idc, I don’t wanna hear about the things my girl has done with her exs, fuck no to all of that, it pissed me off when she talked about that stuff, dropped her after a while.
Am i the only one who thinks this is just her thinking about an amusing incident related to listening to someones heartbeat??? Like it’s not that deep to me idk
She feels she can’t be honest…. My spider sense says this is the start of the set up. Oh I didn’t mention I ran into my FWB the other day…. I’m going to go hang out with some friends. I didn’t mention my FWB was there…. Watch for the signs.
Neither of you can control your thoughts, but she is completely in control of her actions. What she said was tone deaf and she should be apologizing and agreeing with you that it was insensitive.
Honesty and openness doesn’t mean that you are unkind and oblivious to people’s feelings.
Dude, that’s just how the brain works, it brings back certain memories when something relating to it is mentioned. It’s just like an embarrassing memory which occurred in the past.
I think she’s just ignorant and doesn’t know any better
We’ll just fyi, she wasn’t thinking of her past relationship while you were having an intimate time, actually she was reminded of an incident from her past relationship while you were having an intimate time. It’s different
Still sux though. She should have kept her big mouth shut.
Just tell her honesty is great but you don’t want to hear about her past relationships. Either she will respect that or she won’t. If she doesn’t then you will have to decide if you can handle it.
I don’t know if this helps or not, but it’s possible she was remembering the experience and not necessarily the guy. It sounds like it might have been something meaningful to her to be held all night just so he hear her heartbeat. In a way, maybe she was suggesting she would like it if you did this as well?
We all bring experiences from previous relationships that we want to incorporate into our current one. Maybe her timing or the way she worded it could have been better, but it seems to me she might have just been completely open & honest about something she had previously experienced and wanted to share it with you.
The thing is, you don’t want to quash that openness or, especially, the trust she has that she can share anything with you. I get that what she shared & when she shared it threw you off but, honestly, it could be a huge endorsement to how comfortable she is being open with you.
Bottom line – I don’t think her comment was about her ex-FWB, but about the experience.
Keep talking. Don’t close yourself off from her. That will kill any openness in your relationship.
Good luck.
Don’t you just love when people use “radical honesty” as an excuse to hurt someone? Sabotaging an intimate moment like that? She was creating distance. She wanted to hurt you, make you jealous, make you angry or test you in some way.
You’re over reacting..
Omg. Grow up. She wasn’t thinking of somebody else. She remembered something amusing she wanted to tell you.
I have the most random shit pass through my head ALL the time. My brain just connects everything together that might have a common element, and sometimes i do indeed blurt it out and I’m sure it sounds weird and impropriate. With all this being said, if she has the same thing happening, she would at least admit that it was inappropriate and apologize. Usually these thoughts get filtered and we decide that this isn’t the moment to mention some stuff, and other times we speak before filtering. But no, she shouldn’t use this as an excuse to say that she’s being “honest”, that’s a no-no. Own it, apologize, and learn from it.
I hate to say it bro, but since she older. She probably a hoe if she can say shit like that.
Gonna go against the grain here and say that I don’t think she did anything wrong. You were cuddling, that’s a time when thoughts wander. And clearly the heartbeat thing is special to her so it reminded her of the previous time it had happened.
She wasn’t comparing you to her ex or thinking about him during sex or anything of the sort. To me this is a you problem, you’re insecure. And that’s fine, most of us are to some extent but the key is not to make your insecurity someone else’s issue. She can’t fix it for you, only you can do that.
I think setting a boundary around when and where you’re comfortable with talking about exes is a reasonable compromise if you don’t want to hear about them when cuddling that’s fair enough.
It’s completely normal to have memories surge back up when living a similar experience. What isn’t really okay tho IMO is to say them out loud when you’re having an intimate moment with her. It has happneee before that I do something with one of my exes that I did with another ex but of course I won’t mention it, otherwise it’ll make them feel like they aren’t enough.
Tell her it’s okay to talk about the past but not whenever you guys are having such an intimate moment. That would make anyone pissed off.
Don’t worry bro, once your brain fully develops you won’t be so irrationally jealous
Sounds like you guys haven’t set expectations or boundaries in what each want from a relationship. Some people like to hear about their partners past, some don’t. I do believe it is poor etiquette to bring up past sexual history before that discussion is had.
God I hate women so much