Title describes the gist of it, but theres a lot of details. First this came up as me assuming that both of us wanted to stay in a monogamous relationship, which she made a face and disagreed with that. This then forced the question of what she meant by that. It came out that she has an ideal future where she would not tie herself down to 1 person. This did not come about naturally and this was not something she wanted to bring up until years down the road. During discussions she was very upset that she was wired that way, as she understands its a big ask and it hurts the people she loves.
When I asked her about reasoning her analogy was “while fried chicken is my favorite food, if fried chicken isnt at the buffet, why should I not eat, Ill just have broccoli instead, and then I might not be hungry for fried chicken if I ate already”
This came as a shock to me, cause due to mental health issues her sex drive is nonexistent. She has said that 90% of the sex that she’s had in her lifetime has been very unsatisfying, and that intercouse is painful for her due to anatomy issues that she is seeing a doctor about. She has communicated that I am the only person that she has had even remotely satisfying sex with.
She wanted to make it very clear that she would only do things after we had a lengthy discussion and even developed our own sex life better, but I don’t think I can ever mentally handle her having intercourse with other men, especially as her only ground rule that she immediately brought up was “I wouldnt want to date other people, just the sex”
I’m not entirely opposed to the concept, as part of me thinks the idea of being able to experiment while having the emotional security of one person could be a happy medium. The other part of me thinks I couldn’t handle sex being seen as nothing more than an activity to do on a friday night.
You’re not compatible, the best thing to do is end it now. Yeah, it’ll suck, but being in a poly/open relationship that you don’t want is worse.
> to mental health issues her sex drive is nonexistent. She has said that 90% of the sex that she’s had in her lifetime has been very unsatisfying, and that intercouse is painful for her due to anatomy issues that she is seeing a doctor about. She has communicated that I am the only person that she has had even remotely satisfying sex with.
So despite this, she wants to fuck other guys.?
Yeah that’s a glaring red flag. If she’s not doing it for sex, what is she doing it for?
You mean, you ex-girlfriend of a year and a half, right?
Save yourself time, break up with her, move on, enjoy life
Wait. So she was going to remain in a relationship with you for numerous years and then suddenly spring on you that she wants to have an Open relationship. Nah.
She can’t communicate. That is a fundamental in any type of ENM.
Her comparison of you to food shows how she values your relationship. I would want someone to build a life with not shove me away like an old plate of food.
I can only see this going one of three ways.
1 she pushes you into a poly relationship you don’t want. You are miserable and resent her.
2 you refuse to accept the poly relationship she wants. She is miserable and resents you
3 you refuse to accept the poly relationship she wants. She continues in a poly manner behind your back (cheats).
You both want different things from a relationship so end it and seek those things elsewhere.
If you wanna ruin your relationship go right along ahead, but I mean honestly you should break up with her for even asking so I guess at this point it’s ruined either way
So, her plan was to manipulate you into it. Cuz that’s exactly what she means by “not bringing it up for a few years.” She wanted you to be comfortably committed to her before she brought this up so you would be in a position where you felt like you couldn’t or shouldn’t say no because you don’t want to lose her.
Also, I wish people like her would cut the shit about “being wired this way” about poly. It’s a lifestyle choice not a sexual orientation, and that’s some manipulative bullshit of co-opting language of oppressed sexual minorities (gay, trans, bi, etc…) to guilt trip their partners into letting them fuck other people.
You obviously don’t want to be with someone who fucks other people. She wants to manipulate you into “making yourself okay with it” so she can come home to the security of you after fucking other men.
Edit: and wait a fuckin minute… she has no sex drive for you but wants to be poly so she can go fuck others… yeah, she wants to use you. Dump her now before she hurts you any more.
“Okay well enjoy not being tied down. Don’t forget to take your toothbrush before you leave.”
You are 22. Run don’t walk to the nearest exit. Find someone who values monogamy.
Sounds like your ex girlfriend honestly. But I’m also of the group while not a jealous person, would not be ok with sharing my partner and I have a really hard time wrapping my mind around that healthy well balanced people do it.
Dump her immediately. It’s over.
That analogy is up there with the worst I have ever heard
Either this is a new flavour in her mental health battle or your girlfriend is just dumb. There is absolutely 0 logic to opening up a relationship so she can have strictly sexual relationships on the side when she has a nonexistent sex drive and routinely experiences unexplained pain during sex to the point where she’s under the care of a physician for the issue. Your girlfriend has a handicap that stops her from being able to play that particular game.
It makes no sense for a vegan to go into credit card debt to pay for a 12 course steak tasting menu and it makes no sense for your girlfriend to implode your relationship in order to sleep around when she doesn’t like sex.
What exactly do you get out of her being your GF?
She doesn’t sound like a good partner even without the polyamory.
She doesn’t want just you, and her wanting to wait until you are more fully invested in the relationship before being honest that she wants an open relationship is a very big red flag.
Sex hurts her most of the time but she wants to sleep with others who won’t know or care how to not hurt her like you do.
In her analogy, you are the safe reliable option, that she pushes away after f’ing some random guy?! Seems like she wants to use her for all her other relationship needs, but be free to have sex with others and have you be ok being denied sexual intimacy.
This relationship is dead, you two aren’t compatible, and you should move on and find someone who wants to be monogamous with you.
Time to head on outta there
Polyamory is not really a viable option for everyone, and it sounds like it isn’t for you. End the relationship
Okay. Older guy here. While with my partner of over 30 years, I have seen many friends try “open relationships”. (Well over a hundred). None of them have lasted. I hear it can happen, but I have never seen it.
On top of that? The foundation of this potential “open relationship” was sketchy before you even get there. Manipulation is no way to even shoot for those a low low numbers.
Run.
The relationship is over.. Especially since she has a warped perspective on open relationships/poly, it’s not something anyone is forced into(that includes someone like her, who sees it as a sexual orientation)
She’s either searching for your replacement or she wants to have her cake and eat it too…
Time to gtfo out of that relationship.
She out banging or has a list of people she plans of banging.
Why doesn’t she then keep trying different restaurants by being single and decide for herself what food is best suitable for her?
From personal experience my online ex girlfriend five years ago (we broke up and I haven’t been with anyone since) well In short I have trouble trusting people if they act shady and well our relationship was toxic af and she wanted a poly relationship and I agreed but I shouldn’t in the first place because I tryed getting it only me and her but she was interested in multiple people. It’s just mentally destroying and not good for your health if you don’t want that and she does. Do not say yes to it if your not comfortable because more than likely in the end if you say yes and try it your gonna be mentally beating yourself up and it’s not fun. I wish you luck dude and whatever you decide. Personally I am sticking with only one on one if I ever get in a relationship no multiple people.
Some people can deal with this, sex is just sex for them but if you aren’t that type of person then don’t pretend to be or entertain this. Leave now and save yourself the trauma.
What you’re describing isn’t polygamy but an open relationship. She is a bad person. She has had the best, most satisfying sex with you but it’s painful with other guys and somehow she wants to fuck other guys? Sounds like something she has told you is a lie cause that’s not adding up. Drop her and move on.
The ground rule “no feelings, just sex” is a recipe for the disaster.
Either you are monogamous with each other, or you’re poly and openly communicate about feelings for other people and your desires, and don’t lie to yourself/don’t pretend that she would never maybe grow feelings for a sexual partner. This possibility always exists and i’ve often seen shitty situations in which, *oopsie*, these feelings were suddenly there and shit hit the fan. I’m poly myself, but i think nobody can predict if they develop feelings for a sex partner – and strictly ruling it out and setting that boundary means that in case she *does* ever develop feelings, she’d have to break her own heart and break off contact to that sexual partner which would make her grow resentment in your relationship.
I’ve seen that happen way too many times so i’m kinda doubtful and think the only two ways are either monogamous or truly poly/open relationships in which everything is allowed to happen within reason and with open communicaton, respecting boundaries etc.
If my girlfriend so much as felt desire for or was turned on my someone else, she wouldn’t be my girlfriend anymore. Dump her and save yourself a lot more heartache and divorce down the line.