Friday, March 24, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceMy husband sent me this Joe Rogan video, I have ADHD

My husband sent me this Joe Rogan video, I have ADHD

My husband has been struggling with my ADHD (innatentive type) because I often tune him out.

He sent me this video this morning with no context. And the guys views on ADHD are just like…. flat out *wrong*. I feel like I’ve been around this Merry-Go-Round a few times before. It just won’t sink in with him that it’s actually something I can’t fix. Sometimes he sees me hyper fixate, and sometimes he sees me completely tune people out and so he doesn’t understand why I can’t *always* hyper fixate on every conversation.

I had incredible parents, and he has a great relationship with my parents, so there’s just no truth to this video and there’s really no reason he would believe there’s truth to this video in regards to me other than that he wants to.

What else can I do to get it through to him that it’s like *real*?


So he came home and… well…. it could have gone better… But it also could have gone worse… Apparently one of our mutual friends sent him the video and he thought it was interesting so he wanted to share it. The ensuing conversation went kind of like:

Me: “I often have a hard time focusing on a conversation in a restaurant because there’s so many distractions.”

Him: “Yeah when I can’t hear people in a loud place, I just give up on the conversation.”

Me: “Sometimes I hyper focus, but I can’t always turn that on. It’s not a choice”

Him: “yeah, sometimes at work I just get really into what I’m focusing on and tune everybody else out”

Me: “It’s not really a behavioral choice”

Him: “sometimes behaviors are just trained in, it doesn’t mean you can just change it easily”

Me: *visibly disheartened*

Also him: “maybe a good compromise is whenever you go on a thought tangent you just share it with me, because I really love hearing about them”

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  1. Look up [Jessica McCabe – How to ADHD]( She has some amazing and extremely informative videos about ADHD. I would reference some videos of her to him.

    He’s obviously not following the science behind this neurodivergent disorder. ADHD is fundementally part of who you are. He has to accept this. There will always be good days and bad days – but at the end of the day you still are ND with very different brain wiring.

    I’m sorry this is something you are struggling with. I wish people could understand this isn’t something we choose – it’s literally how we operate 24/7.

  2. When my daughter was in third grade, her teacher told my wife (now ex), also a teacher, that she thought that my daughter had ADD. We took her to our family doc, and he asked us some questions, then asked my daughter some questions, and wrote an Rx for Ritalin. The appointment lasted about 15 minutes.

    After a couple of weeks, my wife asked me my impressions of the interview our doc had performed with us, and I truthfully said it left a bit to be desired. My wife then told me that a coworker had told her of a pediatric neurologist that specialized in matters having to do with the spectrum of ADHD. and I told her to schedule an appointment.

    My daughter’s appointment lasted for 3 hours, and included various tests for both short and long term memory, and standardized inventories for both attention and recall. He confirmed her ADD, with an Rx for Adderall, and sent a pamphlet about ADHD home with my wife. She told me the results, and gave me the pamphlet, which I read, and discovered that my daughter had inherited the ADD from me. I looked up, and said as much, to which my wife heartily agreed.

    My suggestion is to seek out a similar pamphlet from the office of a neurologist in your area, and give it to your husband to read. These pamphlets are authored by neurologists, and will trump the opinion of Joe Rogan on his best day. Having read it, your husband might begin to understand the frustration adults with ADD face everyday.

    I wish you well.

  3. Anyone that would use a Rogan interview as evidence of anything other than Rogan and his show being a joke is someone you should think long and hard about removing from your life.

    It doesn’t have to be like this.

  4. God anytime I see that old guy online I know I’m gonna cringe so deep it’ll pass on to my children.

    I’d say for the most part (in my experience) anyone who takes things on Joe Rogans podcast as gospel are gonna be a tough sell on anything, they don’t want to be educated, they want to be validated.

    Your bf hates your ADHD, he doesn’t want to understand ADHD he wants to hear a “professional” agree with him that it’s not what you (the person with ADHD) say it is.

    I’d say you could be petty and just send him an article every day about ADHD with no context until it sinks in, sit down and have a serious talk about he may actually be dumb, or look into couples counselling to work on tools to reach a middle ground.

  5. if it feels like he is trying to help and that is his typical pattern, then he is. if it feels like he doesn’t respect your diagnosis, well… you know him best. you know what that would feel like if he did it.

    consider it in the context of the rest of him

  6. I have been in his shoes. My gf has severe depression and anxiety. When she first got diagnosed I used to read and share articles I found interesting related to these topics. I hoped that these might help as so many people claimed they did. My gf on the other hand wouldn’t even read them or if she did, she would get upset assuming these are my personal views when it wasn’t the case. I realised she only takes her therapist or psychiatrist’s opinions seriously which makes sense. So after about a month I learnt not to interfere in her treatment in any way and just trust her. I believe your husband will come to the same conclusion sooner or later.

  7. I (40f) was diagnosed with ADHD a couple years ago. My husband also sent me this interview just a few weeks ago. For me, it rang so true that it left me crying. I read Mate’s book Scattered Minds and loved it. It made so much sense to me and was very relatable and helpful. It sounds like your partner is just trying to be helpful. Maybe it doesn’t work for you or match your experience. If you don’t like what Mate is saying, just tell your partner, “thank you for thinking of me and trying to be helpful but this isn’t working for me and I can’t relate…thanks but no thanks”. That’s it, really. You can’t expect your partner to fully understand how adhd affects you. That would be impossible. You should howwever be appreciative that he is thinking about you and trying to help, even if he misses the mark. At least he’s trying.

  8. You should show him articles from medical journals to prove your point (if you’re not familiar try typing ADHD pubmed or ADHD ncbi into google). I think this is the best way to iterate your point and have research and figures and stuff to back you up. If you end up doing this, I would also recommend finding articles that touch on some of the points he makes… like yes, ADHD can be linked to childhood experiences, but usually it isn’t. Assuming this is simply an extended misconception on his part and not willful ignorance, this should help at least a little!

  9. I have ADHD and have only started meds this year. I am older, and let me tell you, my life would have played out differently if I had meds. ADHD is inherited. There are mutations involved. Edit to correct typo.

  10. This is how my ADHD played out the other day:

    Me: I set this afternoon aside to work on prepping our main room for renovations while my partner isn’t underfoot. I made a list of tasks (while I was supposed to be working). Let’s take a look at that list.

    Also me: the list is in my purse. Let’s go get it.

    Me again (30 minutes later, after pointlessly sweeping out a dust bunny from an area that will doubtlessly be covered in dust again when we tackle the ceiling, finding a cat toy, playing with my cats with said cat toy, and then organizing some earrings I found): what was I doing? Oh right, looking for my purse.

    Still me: purse located! What was I – hmm, forgot about this lipstick in here! Does this color really suit me? (20 minutes later) nope not a great color. Back to my purse WHAT’S WITH ALL THESE RECEIPTS I NEED TO ORGANIZE (45 minutes pass) oh my list for renovation prep. That’s what I came for!

    Me, reviewing list of things I intended to start hours ago: ok, I need to dismantle the antique table to get out of the way for sanding and refinishing. *surveys room* it’s dark in here. I sure would like to be able to open up the front door to let a little more light in. But the storm door doesn’t latch and the cats will run out.

    An hour later, I have cobbled together a window blind holder, some corrugated cardboard, a nail I found on the floor, several rogue screws, and a shitload of duct tape to resolve the storm door latch situation. Finally, I can leave the front door open and let in some light for my project without my cats escaping!

    Me: oh shit it’s dark out now.

    …I feel like plenty of people can understand distraction and/or hyper-focus even when they don’t suffer from ADHD. But when it’s inevitable and disrupts our daily functions, it’s frustrating to not just us but the people around us. It’s wretched that we can’t help it, that others don’t understand; likewise, people that haven’t experienced those extremes are maddened that we can’t snap out of it. Just like I don’t understand the agonizing pain of a slipped disc in my spine. I can’t fathom it, and maybe I’ll find myself irritated with a person who can’t do normal tasks because of their back pain. Like get over it bruh!

    HOWEVER. I would never send someone a video suggesting that their back pain is a learned “coping mechanism” when it’s clearly medically diagnosable. I understand that you would be appalled and upset by what your guy sent you.

    I think I came here with more to say, but in true attention deficit form, my brain has meandered elsewhere. Just know you’re not alone, and you have every right to be feeling disheartened.

  11. I have ADD inattentive and also don’t relate to Gabor Mate but a lot of people do. Some of his research on addiction is interesting. It really depends on his intentions with this clip whether that’s discrediting your symptoms or trying to help by offering a different perspective – that you don’t happen to agree with.

  12. Joe rogan, Ben Shapiro and Jordan Peterson are my unholy trinity. They are the litmus test that determine if I continue to even speaking to a person – because you can’t argue with stupid,.

    “When experts say…” and continues to try and debunk the expert with some theory founded off of zero research is just LAZY.

    Podcasts used to be the media that I would escape to when I wanted to hear about something interesting. Now it’s just true crime and dingbats like these two clowns. Depressing.

  13. Anyone who sends someone a Joe Rogan podcast needs their head examined. They may have suffered a TBI or some other head trauma.

    Just ask him “wtf is this video and never send me this idiots podcasts ever again!”.

    edit: Gabor Mage, in the area of ADHD, is the homeopathic equivalent of an expert.

  14. The instant I saw “Joe Rogan” I tuned out. Bad source material, guaranteed. Sorry you have to deal with that.

    Also he needs an actual medical source to explain what’s going on with you. “Just be different” isn’t the answer or you could ask HIM to just like it and he could.

    Right? That might get through to him.

  15. The last comment from him was sweet.

    I also have adhd but wasn’t diagnosed until this year. I started dating my boyfriend last year and I told him from the beginning that I usually have like 10 streams of thought flowing through my brain all at once and I’ve also said “when I don’t take my medication, it’s like I have 50,000 conversations with myself, in my head, at the same time.” I’ll say something that seems completely out of the blue, but meanwhile I’ve been thinking about it for 5 minutes. I’ve gotten pretty good at what I call back tracking to fill him in on where it came from. I also have a tendency when problem solving in a group to make a comment on something with no context and expect the person to understand what I’m talking about. I forget sometimes that other people aren’t hearing my thoughts and don’t know how arrived at my comment. I’ll say “sorry let me fill you in” and laugh it off. I’m sure to other people it can be annoying though.

    It sounds like he is thinking that you are purposely tuning him out, but it does sound like he is making an effort to try to understand in his own way. Maybe find a video on YouTube to send back to him that better explains it! Sometimes it’s hard for us to explain because we know it so well but the words don’t come out right! If I find a good video, I’ll link it for you 🙂

  16. I’m sorry your husband is the kind of person who both invalidates your struggle with your neurodiverse state AND takes anything Joe Rogan seriously. Hopefully he can pull his head far enough out of his own ass to breathe before he suffocates and makes you a widow.

  17. > Me: “I often have a hard time focusing on a conversation in a restaurant because there’s so many distractions.”
    > Him: “Yeah when I can’t hear people in a loud place, I just give up on the conversation.”
    > Me: “Sometimes I hyper focus, but I can’t always turn that on. It’s not a choice”
    > Him: “yeah, sometimes at work I just get really into what I’m focusing on and tune everybody else out”
    > Me: “It’s not really a behavioral choice”
    > Him: “sometimes behaviors are just trained in, it doesn’t mean you can just change it easily”

    Intentional or not, he is invalidating you, part of your personality, and your struggles. Rather than empathizing with you, he’s substituting his own experience or interpretation. This needs to stop. There is a wealth of scientific, peer reviewed, repeatable evidence (including actual brain scans that show the difference between ADHD and neurotypical brains) that demonstrate the reality of this condition. A youtube video does not invalidate all of that evidence. I can’t personally know whether he is trying to help you feel better by trying to reassure you that you are normal, in denial due to perceived stigma, was taught by family that this isn’t real, or what, and I’m not going to judge… but the reality is that the specific reasons or motivation are not relevant. What he needs to understand is that he doesn’t actually have to personally ‘get it’ to understand that this is your everyday reality for you, and that it is his job as your spouse to support you in your quest to figure out how to navigate this society that was designed _by_ non-ADHD people _for_ non-ADHD people. There are ways to cope, whether developing structured strategies, CBT, or medication (go with what you’re comfortable with — it’s your right to decide not to take the chemical path).

    Being inattentive type myself, and having been in a relationship with a hugely goal-oriented person who was also invalidating, doubted it was a real condition, wanted to blame my parents, and thought I should be able to just get over it through force of will, I personally know your struggle is real. Your husband needs to understand that, if he does not have your back, he is actually opening up a new battlefront for you to deal with. Sit down with him and see if you can get him to understand this. To be clear, also note to him that you recognize that your issues are ultimately your responsibility and that you aren’t trying to blame him for anything… just that his actions and words are not the support that he might be imagining them to be.

    Good luck.

  18. > What else can I do to get it through to him that it’s like real?

    I think the question you should be asking yourself is why, after 12 years together, he doesn’t understand.

    The only explanation I can think of is that he’s either extraordinarily stupid (possible considering he’s sending you JRE pseudo science bs) or he just doesn’t want to understand.

  19. So I think (based on how you described him) your husband loves you and is trying to help you find a solution to your problem.

    Most men try and “fix the problem”. Because that’s what “men” are supposed to do in our society.

    You need to let him know that the folks on joe Rogan aren’t there because they’re experts, they’re there because they’ll get clicks. Joe Rogan is just like any other talk show. They exist to drive ratings and make money. That’s it. It’s entertainment.

    You don’t have a disease. So there isn’t any cure. Your brain functions differently and though you can learn ways to mitigate it’s effect on your life, it’s never going to go away.

    You need to find ways to communicate your needs to him, and the ways in which he can help you so he feels like he’s doing the best he can to help you as a partner.

    Make it clear that his role as your partner isn’t to “fix things”. His role is to be the best partner for you.

    Tell him if he loves and values you and wants to understand you better he should spend his time and effort into understanding exactly what ADHD really is, and stop trying to “fix” you because you’re not broken or Ill.

  20. Say what you want about Rogan, but the man speaking is Gabor Mate, an award-winning physician and psychologist with over 40 years experience, authored 4 books. He could be wrong but there’s probably *some* wisdom behind it.

  21. This is why you should always watch the whole thing. Gabor Mate is a well respected expert in mental health. Your boyfriend was probably just trying to be helpful. People love to bash Joe Rogan by the way when he is actually a decent person. His podcasts have thousands of hours of interesting guests talking. So don’t listen to people who say everything everyone says on there is awful. It’s just not true. Sometimes if you have some sort of condition or illness it is great to read about and research different ideas on it. Then you can make your own connections and judgement. Perhaps read the book or listen to the whole thing. You might learn or connect to something that you never thought of before. Is it not always better to have more information from a wide variety of people? I know and have worked with adhd my whole life and it’s different for everyone but most people assume it’s one way. The people who are doing the best are the ones who manage it well. Understanding it thoroughly and perhaps looking at it from different points of reference would be helpful.

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