Sunday, March 26, 2023
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My mother cheated on my dad, what do I do?

(Before I discovered she cheated)
When I was around 20 my parents got a divorce, my mom said she felt trapped and gave a bunch of standard reasons for wanting a divorce. After a few years she introduced her boyfriend to us and she says they used to work in the same building and ran into each other at the grocery store(my mom orders her groceries online btw). As soon as I heard the words “used to work together” I instantly thought she cheated on my dad, same for my brother and sisters husband. I called my mom on her birthday and she told me she got engaged to her current boyfriend, she claims they’ve been dating for 9 months. I was in the military and always told her about the dudes who would get married after a few months or weeks of knowing the girl and she’d always say the same thing, “minimum of a year living together before thinking about marriage” so either she doesn’t preach what she says or shes lying about how long they’ve been dating. Then you ask yourself why would she lie about it?
I told my dad she’s engaged and he was surprised because it was fast and I said “well they’ve been together since February according to her so yeah it’s fast” my dad replied “oh im sure it’s alot longer than that” I asked how long he thought and he said “idk but I’m sure quite a while”.

Pretty much everyone in my family is convinced she cheated. Should I talk to her about this? Ignore it and continue on? I know if I talk to her about it she’s gonna turn it around some fucking how and play the victim like she always does so idk. Is this worth losing a relationship with my mom? Ty for the advice.
P.S mom if you see this I don’t care, siblings hello, dad I’m sorry

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  1. I’m not sure why everyone is bashing you for wanting to know. I would definitely want to know if my mother cheated on my dad. It would change my relationship with her. Doesn’t matter how long ago it was either. I despise cheaters so I would cut her out of my life.

  2. It could be that she cheated. It could also be that she realized how lonely she was and rushed into shit. I always thought a person should wait a long time before getting married but I rushed into a proposal with the first serious relationship I had after my divorce. My ex-wife did the same thing. It was a mistake and I broke it off right afterwards tho. She may realize it was a mistake and if she was cheating she will likely regret it. As kids we picture our parents as having high standards and nearly perfect. They’re just like every other person tho. They make mistake, they break what they preach and so on….

  3. So, I tell my 20~yo students the same advice your mom did. When you’re that young you really need more time together- ideally once your brain has fully matured. I don’t bat an eye at older couples getting remarried sooner though because by then they’ve likely been through the ringer enough to know what they can give and what they need from a relationship so learning each other can go a little faster.

    I think you’re struggling with your mom moving on and latching on to this. It’s okay, it’s a big change but again, it’s been years since her divorce and just knowing someone beforehand doesn’t mean she cheated.

    Also I use grocery pick up but still run into the store regularly. Also^2 all the divorce reasons sound generic because you water them down to tell your young adult kid rather than openly admitting your pa had some incompatible kink or something.

  4. There are some awful comments on here. ‘Destroy’ your mother??? We don’t have the right to judge anyone. We don’t know what happened in their marriage or what has gone on. Have her mothers needs been met? Has she tried to talk to her husband about it and got nowhere? We will never know – but a woman doesn’t have to be unhappy all her life because she has children. She hardly ‘tore their life apart’ – the OP was 20 years old.

    We do not have the automatic right as children to question our parents.

    And the OP has no proof whatsoever when this happened – she is assuming.

    If her mum has had an affair, I am not condoning it – it is extremely hurtful to everyone involved – but that doesn’t mean we have the right to judge or destroy.

    I understand the OPs anger but she is not the boss of her mums life!

    And just because her mum is happy now, it does not mean she isn’t remorseful or doesn’t feel guilt. Adults make mistakes. They are human.

    To the OP – Try communicating, explain your fears and hurt and try to understand what happened. Your mum may choose to tell you, or not. She may want to protect you from hurt.

  5. Look when people have kids their decisions can affect their kids as well. They do not need to ask permission but they should think about the impact their decision has.

    Look if she cheated, not saying she has, she lied to your dad but you as well. So for that I can understand you wanting to know. If it is to defend your dad he is an adult maybe he knows more and does not want to share as it was their relationship. And it sounds like this that. So for that I think you need to talk to a therapist or somebody.

    You should not be talking about your mother new relationship with your father they are divorced it is now nothing to do with him. The only time it impacts him is if your parents have minor children or it impacts you. You should be his first concern.

    If you feel the need to discuss. Arrange to see her one to one then ask her but he prepared to listen to her. Be open to what she has to say it sounds like you are not their that you have some conceived preconception in your head being fired up by associates.

    Just because she tells everybody to go slow in relationship does not mean she gonna follow that. She may have been really really unhappy for long time and stayed for you kids. Does not make anybody a bad person you know that people are just not happy after a time in their relationship.

    To me based on what you said I think she just moved on fast, there is nothing there as an indicator or cheating.

    Before you let your hurt feeling affect the rest of your life and relationships plz consider therapy though some objective insight may help you and as you come to Reddit I think that you are well aware you are lacking.

  6. So she left your Dad when you were 20, and a few years after that, she introduced you to her boyfriend. How many years? How old are you?

    Without more information, you can’t just assume she cheated years ago. Even if she has been dating the guy longer than 9 months, doesn’t automatically mean she cheated years ago.

  7. Would you even accept or believe her “no”?

    Many, many people date/marry someone they knew before they started dating, and if they worked together YEARS before bringing him around as a boyfriend that suggests she didn’t leave your dad for him.

  8. I can’t for the life of me understand why people are sooo obsessed with their parents’ lives.

    Your parents got divorced when you were 20. And yeah, she had a bunch of standard reasons because divorce is super common and there are only so many reasons people divorce.

    _Years_ later she introduces a boy friend. And you immediately think she had an affair.

    Cheating is never good, and I do believe they harm the relationship even if it’s not discovered. But a divorce isn’t the end of a relationship — it died long before. _If_ your mother did cheat, it sounds to me as if it went something like this: the love died, relationship on life support, your mother not completely aware, had a crush, realized her situation, got divorced.

    And _if_ she cheated — it may not even have been with the guy she’s seeing now.

    I’d be wary of judging her too harshly because there’s a good chance you’ll find yourself in a similar situation in a decade or two.

  9. I would not confront her if I were you, for several reasons.

    but seeing that you said you don’t care about your mom, I guess go ahead do whatever pleases you in the moment.

  10. They’re already divorced so I think it’s a moot point at this time. Your dad seems to know already so I’m not sure what could be gained by bringing it up.

    Your mom is probably not practicing what she preaches on waiting because she’s older and is likely worried about not being able to lock someone down at her age.

    My ex messaged me over a year ago and told me she was getting married. She said it in a way where it was supposed to upset me or something. I said, “congratulations. Let me know when it’s happened.” Well, over a year later it still hasn’t happened and I can tell she’s not happy about it.

  11. You should focus on having your own healthy relationships and breaking cycles your parents perpetuated.

    Whatever happened between your parents, it’s obvious everyone thought it best to keep it between the adults. Your parents are human beings who make mistakes. I personally would not let this affect my relationship with my mother.

  12. They are divorced. What would be the purpose of dumping a load of fuel on the dying fire. It would just be drama for drama’s sake.

    It sounds like everyone already knows what’s up so just let sleeping digs lie.

  13. I might get hate for this but oh well… If I was in your shoes and I wanted to know I wouldnt ask my mum I would tell her “hey I know you cheated on dad”. I’d say nothing else and I’d watch her reaction. When she denies it (because she will) I’d stay calm and emotionless. The moment she starts playing the victim I’d just walk away.

  14. You’re an adult now so do what you think needs to be done to help you process with their divorce.
    If you want your mom to confess her infidelities then go ahead and talk to her. You have to be prepared on the consequences and what would you do.
    1. She denies and kept her mouth shut. Would you then stop questioning her and continue on with your relationship.
    2. She confess about the infidelity. What would you do then?.
    Since she is happy with the new man, I dont think that she is feeling remorseful on what she has done to her ex hsband and family, if that is what you want from her. She may tell you that she is sorry, but only to placate you so that you can move on with this episode.
    Basically if you get the truth, what will you do. Forgive her, accept her weaknesses and continue on like nothing happen, or stop talking to your mom altogether while you process what she has done.

  15. This is your potential step father, a member of your family. Of course you should know. If your mother cheats on your father, it effects the way you see her and your potential step father. Good luck.

  16. Yea your mom cheated and tore the family apart because she’s selfish. I wouldn’t blame you guys for being upset with her.

    She’s a female, so beware, Reddit hive mind may take her side. But that’s just the internet, in real life you don’t have to be ok with cheating regardless of what Reddit says

  17. I wouldn’t make an issue of her wanting to save face like that, it’s a fairly normal human behaviour, but I’d also not be letting her take the moral high ground ever again and if she tried, it would probably come out that I knew then.

  18. I think only the issue here is your feeling of her lying, the rest is, I think, can happen and no issues at all as she got her divorce.

    So if anything you can, it’s to have an open discussion where you frankly tell her it’s better to tell the truth as we all have doubts in what you are trying to convince us all.

    Let’s see what’s her reply.

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