Me (M40)
She (F35)
​
My girlfriend always frames everything she says with regard to her interests as if she thinks I think they’re dumb and stupid. “You don’t have to watch this, but…” “I know you think this is dumb but….”
​
And I LOVE her and all her interests, I think she’s into cool shit!
​
And I’ve told her again and again that I’m always supporting of anything she does! But she never believes me.
​
She has incredibly low self-esteem and I try to boost it whenever I can but… it doesn’t work!
​
How do I put her mind at ease?
Try finding videos of her interests and showing her like “oh I found this awesome video I wanted to show you!”
if you put yourself into her hobbies just a little it might make her realize you do indeed care about them.
Good luck
It’s a habit formed by dicks in the past. My GF is the same way. Just keep building her up. She’ll start to realize she isn’t the dumb one the dumb one was the guys in her past. She just needs reassurance every now n then. She’ll start to flourish when she figures out she’s smart and in an equal-loving relationship. Wait and see.
Maybe her parents were emotionally abusive and so her default is thinking that she isn’t important enough or smart enough.
You could try telling her something like “I’ve notice that you do this thing. It makes me feel uncomfortable when you tell me that I will think something is dumb or you don’t think I want to listen or pay attention to you. Do you notice that you do that?
To me, that is not the kind of communication style that I want to have with you. Instead, I want us to feel like we can ask each other and if I am busy or decide no, I will say no, but usually I actually want to see what you are sharing. Is this something that we can change so you can just ask without prefacing it with the idea that I probably don’t want to?
What kind of interests does she have? It’s possible she thinks her interests are irregular or weird and that people would find her weird for enjoying them?
You seem to be talking past each other. There’s a difference between “I support you” and “I legitimately share your interests.” By repeating the former, you’re damning the latter by faint praise. If you want her to believe you like the same things she does, then state *reasons* for that, e.g. “I’m into that reality show because [analysis that shows you were paying attention].” If you don’t actually like any of the things she does, then accept that she’s telling the truth and stop fretting about it, since she’s apparently OK with that.
Sounds like internalized sexism, and that runs really deep, you won’t be able to put her mind at ease unless she’s willing to do some very deep diving.
Make compliments, make a list of activities that she genuinely likes, and spend time doing them with her. Try more of her cool shit with her, so that she believes that you’re really interested in her world. I can even recommend you to use [Tiddle](https://Tiddle.me/women) (the app for couples), so you both can know all about each other’s interests through the app, and you can know more about her, her interests, and her values. I think it will definitely strengthen your bonds =)
Random reassurance. Just saying nice things to her when she hasn’t done anything
Your girlfriend sounds like an expert fisherman