I’m(35f) in a relationship with 38m that I am going to end but I’m not sure if I’m overreacting ….
Besides other issues we are having, we are sexually incompatible. We see each other every weekend and we barely have sex and if we do, no joke- it’s like 120 seconds or less long. I’m not exaggerating at all…. It’s always missionary, no foreplay, no oral…. he says my sex drive is a red flag all of the time. He has said this since the beginning of our relationship. Today I asked him why does he think that… he said it’s because it’s a sign of sexual trauma.
Now technically, he can be right- someone who has trauma can be promiscuous or hyper sexual… but I don’t have sexual trauma. Maybe some emotional trauma…. but his comment really hurt me and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting. I’m not someone who wants sex multiple times a day maybe at least once a day, it doesn’t really have to be every single day… but him and I have sex maybe 4 times a month.
Forget his accusations. You two are 100% sexually incompatible.
*it’s like 120 seconds or less long. I’m not exaggerating at all…. It’s always missionary, no foreplay, no oral….*
How does your “sexual trauma” explain him not lasting more than two minutes, always missionary, with no foreplay and no oral, Op?
Sounds like he’s deflecting due to his quick performance. I think he’s probably embarrassed he doesn’t last long so he’s making you seem effed up. It’s absolutely normal for people to have different sex drives. The fact is he still wants to have sex but maybe he doesn’t after he realizes that he’s quick. If it’s not a medical issue, I wonder if he masturbates too much and watches way too much porn. For some people that can cause quick ejaculation.
Also, he could guess your issues if you actually had issues. But you say you don’t so the obvious answer is: sex drive incompatibility! According to my therapist, it’s very common!
You need to decide if it’s worth breaking up over or if a compromise is possible. Can he help pleasure you with his mouth or hands or toys suffice? Would you both consider seeing a sex therapist?
He’s just bad in bed and is trying to make you feel about it it.
Yes 120 seconds is traumatic
Girl…he’s 38 years old and doesn’t know how to have sex. Put all his red flags on a boat and let him sail away.
He doesn’t last long and seems to be an incredibly boring person to have sex with or be in a relationship with as a whole
It’s not a red flag that you like sex, but it’s a red flag on his part that he’s willing to assert it and make up some narrative about trauma. Dump his ass please, he’s projecting or otherwise shoving his problems onto you.
He says ur sex drive is the red flag to deflect that u might blame his sex drive for the lack of sex in ur relationship. So basically he’s blaming u before u could go after him for it.
He is the red flag, find someone who matches ur sex drive. LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR BAD SEX GIRL!
How has this clown made it to 38 dang years old without knowing how to please a woman?
Girl, you deserve better. This guy doesn’t care about you and he’s not willing to put in the bare minimum effort to learn what you need; instead, he’s just blaming it on you and hoping you will stop demanding literally anything from him.
*Anyone who has sex with women* should know that 120 seconds is not long enough. Anyone who has ever *talked* to a woman about sex should know that 120 seconds is not long enough. If he’s never bothered to care about it in roughly two decades of having sex or thinking about having sex, he’s a lost cause. At 35 you’re in your sexual prime! Don’t waste your time with someone who doesn’t care about your pleasure.
Run away. What you’re asking for is the bare minimum! He won’t change, so just call it a night and move on.
he’s mad you’re better at sex than him
This guy is a red flag. Trying to manipulate you into thinking you have “sexual trauma” because you don’t enjoy being dehumanized into a human fleshlight for a two pump chump.
If I were in this situation, I’d give him a disposable Tenga as a “go fuck yourself, I’m gone” present
He is crap in bed and selfish but he wants to make it a you problem. Trash him.
Hes def projecting his complete lack of sex interest into you. And lack of effort. Hes like 17 with no sex skills but he also lacks the sex drive of a 17 yo. That is way too frustrating, sex is too important.
Sounds like he has a low libio, you’ll find your match eventually
That’s a crazy accusation he’s making because he’s insecure that he sucks in bed. Seems like he’s upset he can’t last more than 2 minutes once a week so he’s making you feel bad for wanting more sex and for longer.
It sounds like he’s the one with past trauma issues.
Okay, ignoring the fact that you’re not sexually compatible and this is not going to work for that reason alone, there’s a major red flag here. He says YOUR sex drive is a RED FLAG? …You wanting sex every week is a red flag?
No, he’s gaslighting you and trying to put this on you. Chances are he’s insecure about his lack of sex driving, but him just putting that on you is completely unacceptable. This is not worth saving, and why bother when you know the two of you are compatible to begin with?
And not only that, you’ve made it clear the sex is boring and just plain bland (No foreplay? Does this manchild even know how to please a woman?!). Like, really, why are you still in this?
Today I asked him why does he think that… he said it’s because it’s a sign of sexual trauma.
**His**, he means.
>Now technically, he can be right- someone who has trauma can be promiscuous or hyper sexual…
Or be like him and be terribly anxious about all aspects of it.
Dump his ass. You wanting a 2 pump chump to give you the bare minimum isn’t a high sex drive. It’s just A. You being a normal person and B. A big ol sign of his inferiority complex. You god forbid LIKING sex means you’ve had it, liked, and had fun with other men. He knows he can’t compete so rather than do ANYTHING to mitigate his piss poor performance, he makes you feel like YOU’RE the problem.
Ias someone who enjoys sex I’ve been in this situation. It won’t work. Especially if you wanting it more is turning him off. You can stay with him and get others to meet your needs as well or just find a man who wants it as much as you
If you enjoy his platonic company, I’d stay friends. It sounds like he doesn’t like sex anyways, so maybe he would feel relief at you just asking to have sex with other guys.
Sexual compatibility is of the upmost inportance in a relationship. Ok, sex is not the end all be all but it does play a crusial part. Sex is the glue that keeps the relationship together. Ofcourse, by itslef is not the most important thing but it is a vital cog in the machine.
So what is the right amount of sex and for how long should sex last? Well, that question is super easy to answer. Its whatever works for the people involved. Some people need sex 1 a month. Others every day twice a day. Its whatever works for the relationship. Now, you are never going to find an exact match. There will be things that a person likes and the other doesn’t care about or wont do. Thats ok. We are not looking for 100% compatibility. But there must be some level of compatibility. A person that needs it twice a day is not going to work with the person that only wants it once a mont. But a person that want it once a week can work with a person that wants it every 1.5 weeks.
Take note that sex in relationships tend to dimish over time. There is lots of sex in the beginning and it decreases over the years. So if you aren’t having enoigh sex now oh boy do I have some very bad news for you.
And no, an open relationship wont work here. Why? Because you haven’t made a strong bond with this person yet and if you are having sex with another person then it wouldn’t takd much more tonsay fuck it, I just stay with the new guy. Now, if you had been together forna couple of years thatbmight be different.
A lot of people assuming he has issues in bed. OP neither of you are communicating or trying to spice it up. It isn’t his or your job to make things good, it’s both of yours. Sucks he doesn’t last, but if either of you talked it over, tried to make it fun, or actually communicated this wouldn’t happen.
A person can have their needs met and things get better, or they don’t and you’re incompatible. It’s as simple as that. The fact neither of you are communicating means neither of you should be in this or probably any relationship until you learn basic communication skills