Thursday, March 23, 2023
HomeRelationship Advicemy wife and I moved for my job and she went back

my wife and I moved for my job and she went back

MANDATORY EDIT SINCE PEOPLE SEEM TO BE MAKING ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP BASED ON ONE LITTLE SNIPSHOT OF A PROBLEM I AM HAVING: she clearly loves me. She cooks, cleans for me, buys me gifts, flies out to spend time with me, and worries about me and my wants and health. Please stop making assumptions that this one snapshot is our entire relationship and telling me to get a divorce. We love each other. I am looking for encouragement here

I got a job out of state (2 hr flight) with a 30% raise and more opportunities overall for career growth. My wife doesnt work so I talked to her about it and we decided to move. Now her whole family and friends are back where we lived before but hwr family has only arrived 6 months prior. She had them all live in the same house with us without my consent (like 10 people) so I was looking forward to us having privacy. I did talk to her about it and she agreed because she “wants me to live out my dream.” I want her to live out her dreams too so I found and enrolled her in a program in the new city and helped her look for jobs.

So we moved here. We are renting out the house to my in laws and they are paying rent but occasionally have to pay rent late if they can’t find work. I wined and dined her as much as possible, went clubbing with her to help her make friends, but every time we went clubbing she would get in a fight and get kicked out. So she asked if I would please buy her a house in our old city. She also sold her car and is buying a car in our old city. And she is looking for jobs in our old city. It feels like she’s chosen her family and friends over me and I am just over here making the money all alone. I am working hard to study for a job back in the old city but there are only a couple of companies (one is big tech company and the other is consulting) that I would want to work for because we need a high salary and also career growth potential so it is going to take a few years. Particularly for me to leetcode enough to qualify for these jobs. I am heartbroken and feel like she chose her family over me. I understand it was a big sacrifice for her to come to new city and it all happened fast but I am mad because I feel like if she didnt want me to come to the new city she should have told me long ago … like before I applied … or better yet before I started hunting for out of state jobs 3 years ago. I was lucky to get this job but there are many other job opportunities back in old city that could have fit the bill if she just would have spoken up sooner. Please help.

I am also taking care of the dogs.

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  1. OP Reading from your comments I had the sense that the whole relationship was about her family and you providing for them, now they atr living almost rent free in you home and probably she is giving them your money.

    Review all you relationship and look at her actions, not her words, looks like you are just an ATM for her family.

  2. Do not buy her a house. The fact that she moved away from you means she has checked out of your marriage. Don’t give her any more money than the minimum needed for survival. Tell her that you consider her to have abandoned you and the marriage.

  3. Wait, wait , wait, so she wants you to own two homes specifically meant for her and her family… Without you.. while she doesn’t work.. while you’re in a different city, effectively supporting her and her family… Without her there .. while you’re alone…

    Damn dude, sounds like the only one who gives a shit about you in this scenario is the dogs.

    I’m not sure where your from or what the culture is like, but it straight up just sounds like you’re a bank. Nothing about this said partner to me.

  4. Has it ever crossed your mind that YOU need to be happy? She has cleared checked out of the relationship and she is not supportive of you at all, lawyer up and give yourself another chance to find happiness.

  5. It sounds like she didn’t really think any of this through. When you both talked about moving, what were the things she would do to make a life there?

    Have you both talked about what you want out of life together? What marriage looks like to you both? It almost sounds like decisions are being made by both of you without you both being completely honest on how you feel.

  6. Relationship does not sound very healthy. She doesn’t sound like she’s on your team. You can’t change other people but you can change Yourself. Nothing wrong with wanting better pay and change. I would not want to live with 10 people in my house when you were married to one person. She puts her family and friends over you there’s a red flag right there.

  7. She’s taken you for a RIDE, son. She brought her entire family over, tricked you into leaving to go make more money for her, and then she went back. She’s real good at was she does man, and you’re blind as a bat to it.

    Step back and look at the broad scope of things that have happened. AND she wants you to buy her a 2nd house!?!? I almost feel bad for but your comments are so aggressively in denial. Promise to update after the holidays when she wants a divorce.

  8. File for divorce and I will tell you why because at the end of the day she would rather take her family over the man she married and promised to stay with….it will change…cut her lose now…sorry brother

  9. Mate, too many red flags to mention. Cut your losses before you squire more wealth as she will take you to the cleaners. Find yourself a supportive partner not one with a million problems

  10. Based on OPs comments in this thread…. He is blind af. No one here will get through to him about the absurdity of what’s going on. He is blind and refuses to see reason. Always has an excuse. Good luck out there OP. Wish you the best in going forward

  11. Break up because she seems to put herself completely first and you can’t do that in a relationship. If you had ignored her or didn’t make time for her, then her action would be okay.

  12. Ah bless your heart. No, she doesn’t love you, bud. She’s setting up a life without you back in your old town. Sounds like she’s getting ready to serve you papers but wants to be settled first.

  13. So you won’t get a divorce yet want encouragement for a wife who gets in bar fights, brings her entire family to live in your house without asking yet doesn’t have a job and wants you to buy her another house. But she cooks for her the very few days she’s with you. What advice do you actually want? It’s understandable that she changed her mind after she moved to the new city and didn’t like it, but there is nothing she is doing for you that a maid can’t do. And what kind of person, male or female, gets into public fights in a club? That itself is enough of a problem but hey, you won’t leave her so sorry, accept your lonely life supporting her family that doesn’t pay rent and take a job near them that pays less and won’t benefit your career. Good luck.

  14. >She had them all live in the same house with us without my consent (like 10 people)


    >We are renting out the house to my in laws and they are paying rent but occasionally have to pay rent late if they can’t find work. I wined and dined her as much as possible, went


    >I wined and dined her as much as possible, went clubbing with her to help her make friends, but every time we went clubbing she would get in a fight and get kicked out

    You explained she have a drinking problem and you enable it because “She likes to drink so much” also because her family also enables her.

    All of this sounds disfunctional, she does whatever she wants and you just stay there cleaning the mess. Her family sounds like they are taking advantage of you but i dont want to get into assumptions so i have to ask: All the adults between the 10 are lookig for jobs, at least part time?

    Put your pants on, you need to stand up and tell her what you want to do and also to help herself, if talking to her (like you claim you did in the comments) dosent work at this point is because she dosent care what you want of how her desitions affects you especifically. You can have another talk to her if you want but at least find out what does she wants from this and if she care how this affects you.

  15. Just goes to show you. You ain’t gotta be smart to make good money. You got with a woman who is way too good looking for you and she understands she can do whatever she wants with no repercussions.

    This is the truth. Downvote me all you want.

  16. Just a thought. Maybe the salary isn’t important to her, but family is. If that’s the case, quit the new job and move back to make her happy. Sometimes you can’t have everything in life, so you have to make your choices. If the money and success isn’t important to her, than reevaluate your sacrifices. Move back and be happy with your wife. But the alternative doesn’t work. The chances of a long distance marriage working is pretty low. It won’t work for either of you.

  17. OP, your situation is so obviously fucked, and you refuse to admit it. Things will only get worse the longer you spend investing in this relationship. Quit trying to defend this, it’s pathetic.

  18. Coming from someone SUPER close to my family, I know I’d feel depressed moving so far away from them. I think she went very poorly about the whole situation and acted very selfishly but I understand how hard it can be to not have your family around (besides your significant other). However, I think it’s VERY unfair of her to just abandon you like that. She could at least hold out until you get your training you need to get a job near your old town. Tell her you won’t be spending any extra money (especially since she won’t work) to buy her another house when she could be living in the place you bought for the two of you, especially when her family won’t pay rent on time and you have to cover that too. Tell her she can wait for you to finish the training and move together or she needs to figure something else out on her own.

  19. If she wants to go home to be family first, she doesn’t need her own home, she can live in your home with her family, maybe help them make rent. If she wants a home with you, you need to be in it as well, and you need to discuss that, like you discussed your original move, opposed to her unilateral actions and you chasing her like a puppy reacting to an unexpected walk.

    You don’t have to do anything you don’t want and didn’t agree to. Partners work together.

    As for help, you can start setting boundaries.

    If she’d like to move back, you have a home already there, she can stay with her family. You have a place in the new city and your job, and financial obligations to both. You need around a year to settle those agreements, find a new job, and move back.

    You will not scramble to run after her and lose out on any of the benefits or pay penalties on investments because it would make you both worse off. Haste makes waste. She’s welcome to come visit you in the meantime. Once you’ve prepared for and have a new job and can comfortably move back responsibly, you then look at buying a house for the both of you, and move in then.

    If she isn’t okay with any of these, write down the sacrifices you’ve made in this relationship, or are being asked to make. Start with her moving her family into your home without your buy-in, and that she doesn’t often get your buy+in before making choices for both of you. Add buying a second home only for her to use since you’ll still be in new city. Include being manipulated and semi forced to give up a good job opportunity, and wrap up with inconsistent rent generating from your property, and any other stuff you didn’t mention here. Then write down her sacrifices. Start with moving to new city briefly… Etc.

    Then compare. You’ll likely find 1 year to transition back or a new home to be fairly reasonable. If she still feels you need to give up more and more for her, then and only then, consider if this is the relationship you want.

  20. That’s rough bud, you sure there’s not another guy back home, sounds pretty great you working and providing for her while she gets to date around, in a house that you pay for. Sure she might not seem to be the type to do that, but was she the type to abandon you after a costly and important career move?

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