I’m at a loss. I’ve been married for 2 years and it seems like things have been getting progressively worse. My wife has gotten to the point we’re she goes to work and the store and that’s it. When she gets home she immediately puts on PJs and gets high. Lately she’s started doing it more frequently; she doesn’t even put away her bowl or jar of weed anymore even though it’s starting to make our house smell.
She also gained ~100lbs in a year. This occurred right after we got married and when she started smoking again. It’s gotten to the point where I’m doing every chore except when she occasionally offers. I stopped asking because she always throws a fit when I ask for help. So, I’m working a 60 hour a week job, keeping the house clean and taking care of all of the outdoor chores. She even fought with me when I suggested getting a shower before going to a friend’s wedding.
The weight bothers me for a few reason. First, she falls into the “morbidly obese” category so I worry about her health. Second, it’s seriously affecting our sex life as she is not comfortable with her body; this is made worse by the fact that she is 100% against masturbation, I’m constantly sexually frustrated. Finally, the last time we talked about her weight (around a year ago) she said something to the effect of, “I’ve already got you so I don’t need to keep trying”. IDK why but that’s stuck with me and it hurts.
We’ve starting talking about having kids but currently I think that’s a bad idea. Being a parent is a full-time job and she already complains about doing the bare minimum.
I still love her but I feel that our relationship is moving in the wrong direction. She’s very difficult to talk to as she will shut down or get angry anytime we have an uncomfortable conversation. I feel like I’m going to be stuck in an unhappy marriage if things don’t change.
>I’ve already got you so I don’t need to keep trying
So she takes you for granted. She has no desire to change. This is who she wants to be. She’s achieved her goal of getting married and now she’s done making an effort.
You deserve so much better than this. You don’t have to settle just because she has.
Get out before she decides to get pregnant.
Get out. Think about all the amazing stuff you’re going to do later after she’s out of your life. She also may be trying to drive down her income so you get stuck with alimony.
Get out. Lawyer up.
She is against masturbation? Wtf bro???
Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t touch your own body!!!
Great… I went to our bedroom to be alone and write this. She accused me of talking to other women as soon as I came back out. I’m not talking to anyone else; I’m the one who initiated marriage counseling.
Save yourself. DONT GET HER PREGNANT.
I said this recently on another post, but I think it applies here as well.
People don’t change if they don’t have a reason to. Meaning, she is comfortable therefore she has no reason to change a thing. This is selfish of her and it won’t get better unless she wants to change.
It sounds like she needs therapy, she’s possibly using food and weed to cope with something that needs to be addressed. But if she’s not willing to both go to therapy AND put in the work, that’s not your fault and you shouldn’t be “punished” for it.
Have you tried to talk to her and before starting just say something like: I want to be honest with you, but lately I can’t be because I feel like I have to walk on eggshells. My feelings are important, too, and I want you to hear me. Can you please just listen? When I’m finished, you can give me your response.
But if she’s not willing to do that, not willing to change or make an effort… What do you have left? You can only do so much. You cannot fix her. The only thing you can do control is yourself. Leaving is an option. It’s not a bad option or negative option. The whole “now I don’t have to put in any effort because we’re married” isn’t the flex she thinks it is. Relationships are work. Love constantly needs maintenance. And your needs are no longer being met. Just think of what would happen if you do have a kid, all the work you already do plus baby duty? She’s not showing you that she’ll be a reliable partner or parent.
Sorry, OP. That whole situation does sound miserable. I hate to say throw in the towel, but if she’s not willing to do the work, you need to do what’s best for you. And don’t feel bad about it.
Remember its just a piece of paper…..get out while you can and ffs dont impregnate her
We actually discussed chores tonight (weight didn’t come up) and it went poorly. She had one bad excuse after another (eg. I’ve always been a little lazy, so what?)
She says she already has you so she doesn’t have to keep trying, but you have to tell her you can get easily get rid of her because she won’t try. Divorce after two years is much easier than divorce after five years and two kids. Her weight doesn’t have to be a reason for the divorce. You are miserable, she doesn’t take of herself or the house and whatever assets you have are minimal. Who doesn’t take a shower before going to a wedding? Usually weed makes people mellow and fun but not for her. And don’t think she will change if you say you want a divorce. She won’t. Just do it. You deserve to be happy.
I suspect that the person you thought you loved was a mask that meant she got married.
Look at her parents relationship and her childhood. Was she pampered? Did she have chores? Does her mother do all the housework or none?
Some people think that being married means that you stop making an effort, clearly she is one of them. However a marriage isn’t built on a wedding, it is mutual support, communication, respect and love/care. You don’t have any of those sadly.
She has clearly stated that she is done making an effort, that she is lazy and because you have picked up the slack she feels entitled to do whatever.
Yours is not a marriage of equals or partners. You are doing the work, she is smoking pot.
Can you see that you are actually very different people, with different values?
Marriage counseling will likely fail because again she isn’t going to make any changes, there is no payoff for her to do so.
So the only person you can change or make descisions for is you.
So given that you are only responsible for your life, what do you want your life to look like?
It would be entirely acceptable to leave because of this. If you want to save your marriage, you need to have a very frank conversation with your wife.
I would start out by talking about how uneven the household chores are, and how she makes you feel by not putting in effort. Leave her weight out of it because it seems like something she would hyper fixate on.
If she won’t work on anything, give her an ultimatum. Either Rahe shows considerable effort or you’re gone.
Get out as fast as possible. Talk to a lawyer now.
Why did you marry someone so sex repressed they forbid you from masturbating? And you’re talking about kids, then your kids are going to grow up in that toxic environment, too.
I’d personally toughen up. Don’t do shit in the house for 2-3 weeks and then watch if she reacts positively by cleaning up. Second if literally nothing changes then deliver and ultimatum. Not about her body but the lifestyle choices and your unhappiness.
One thing that always stuck with me my dad says is relationships are like a rubber band. If one pulls away the other leans in. You may be leaning in unconsciously to resolve the issue. I recommend leaning out.
The longer you stay with her, the worse divorce will be for you financially.
I would suggest therapy. Both for you and for her. It could be that she has fallen into a depression, and it’s making it hard for her to cope. It may look like laziness, but it could be that after going to work it has zapped her of her emotional and physical fortitude and she just doesn’t have anything left.
Try to have an honest conversation with her about how she is feeling and suggest even an introductory session with a therapist who can evaluate her and the situation.
Honestly, she sounds like she’s got something mental health going on.
I’d sit down and ask her how she’s feeling and if she’s depressed. Say you’ve noticed she’s smoking a lot more, stopped taking care of hygeine and hasn’t had the energy to clean (don’t mention her weight). Ask if she’s been depressed and if she needs to see a doctor.
If she refuses (or if she goes for a few months and nothing changes), you should lay out how it’s impacting you (minus weight). Explain you’re overwhelmed,overworked and feeling unappreciated and you don’t have the ability to support her without outside help, and- this is crucial- explain that while you love her, you can’t let the marriage destroy you and you might need to end it.
She needs to have a reason to get better. You need to make it clear you NEED her to change or she won’t have you.
Dude she got married and got comfortable she expects you to atay with her no matter what. She’s also treating you like a house maid. You need to give her an ultimatum to either change or you’ll leave. Her using the angry/shut down thing is just the stoner way of avoiding the conversation. Hide her weed before she gets home and make her have the conversation.
Talk to a lawyer, learn your rights.
Let her know your extremely unhappy, and either changes are made or divorce is coming
Be prepared to follow through.
From the sound of things, she has completely given up, divorce is probably the best option
Do not have kids with this person. She doesn’t care about anything but getting high. She will be a terrible mother.
Do you? Love her? Or do you love who she used to be, or who you thought she was? Because she’s stated that she has no intention of making changes and you *aren’t happy*.
How long can you keep going, carrying all of this, before you burn out? You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who values you, someone who’s working *with* you, to build the future you both want.
Please, don’t bring a child into a lacklustre relationship. It will make everything harder, and hurt three people instead of two.
If your wife isn’t interested in making changes, and you’re miserable, you have to be the one to decide on the changes you need. It’s a marriage, not a punishment.
She’s controlling and entitled. Get out
This woman doesn’t actually love you.
This is not how a relationship is supposed to be.
Firstly lawyer up. Gather evidence. Do not tie yourself down to any commitment with her. Your lawyer will advise you accordingly.
She’s not your baby to fix.
Bro…run for the hills. Oh yeah, don’t bring her along with you.
Definately don’t have a kid with this person, just dont
Divorce asap. Imho
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