Saturday, April 1, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceMy(26m) girlfriend(30f) is codependent.

My(26m) girlfriend(30f) is codependent.

I(26m) can’t do anything that involves leaving her(30f) alone. I can’t go to the grocery store without her. I can’t even take out the trash without her having a panic attack. It wasn’t always this bad, but pretty recently it has gotten to this level. She has to make sure she has someone with her every time I go to work and will start freaking out if no one has come. She’ll even get mad at me if I leave while she’s freaking out trying to not be late.

My mom wants me to go to mom’s house for the day in order to celebrate a personal win for mom. I would be gone from the morning up until early afternoon. When I told my girlfriend I was going to do this, she got mad because that meant she had to get someone scheduled to be with her. She’s unable to find anyone so she’s now mad at me for saying I’m still going. I haven’t seen my mom in months and was really happy that I had an opportunity to go over there. She yelled at me again when I asked if she had anything for that day scheduled yet so I could give my mom an answer.

Its also gotten to the point that I do all of the chores, short of her cooking on occasion. I do all of the cleaning. I do all of the laundry. I do everything.

Part of me just wants to end the relationship and kick her out. Only my name is on the house, as she very recently moved in. I let her due to some rather bad circumstances. I don’t see any way of her not living with me that isn’t a full end to the relationship and complete no contact though. The freakouts make me afraid to kick her out. She might kill herself or me. I’d imagine that would be a worse freakout than just when I have to go to work.

She’s been going through a lot, and I understand that. She has lost a few very close family members, including one yesterday. I understand this. I just can’t deal with the codependency, it’s going to end up getting me fired, which means we have no income.

I also am starting to feel manipulated. It’s almost like she sees I’m becoming less tolerant of things and is trying to bring back the reason I let her in from the start. An example would be yesterday when she mentioned how abusive and manipulative her mom is and that her mom is doing everything to get her back so she can abuse her. I don’t want to care. She is old enough to be independent in some ways, but instead uses me. Any time I want to do anything that involves leaving the house, I’m made to feel guilty.

Edit: I recognize Iay have used “codependent” wrong here. Title is set though so…

Edit 2: Also I will likely be slow at responding but I am reading everyone’s responses

Edit 3: If anyone is still following, thank you for your support. It means a lot coming from someone with not a lot of it. Things are happening, I will keep updating and reading. I thank all of you with every ounce of my being.

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  1. She reminds me of my dog with separation anxiety. Trainers usually suggest tiring the dog out before leaving, giving some calming treats and practicing shorter intervals whenever leaving with giving treats everytime they don’t cry when you close the door. Alternative is cage training involving a really high value treat that they get only when you leave.

    Jokes aside, you can’t live like this. She’s keeping you hostage. If you’re afraid she’d do something to herself, give a warning to someone so they can look out for her.

  2. You can’t set yourself on fire just to keep other people warm OP. It’s not sustainable, it’s not healthy and it’s not fair.

    You need to break up with her. You should perhaps get advice around your concerns first. Perhaps mental health workers or police can assist.

  3. Go see your Mom and don’t let your girlfriends mental issues stop you from living life. She really needs to see a therapist and figure out why she needs so much hand holding. To be honest, coddling her will not help. Healthy support will.

    You cannot stay in a relationship because you are afraid they will end their lives because they can’t handle it. It’s a sort of emotional blackmail and honestly, you cannot put that kind of pressure on yourself. I sound cold but I actually was like her. It took me hitting rock bottom and getting help to finally pick myself up and start taking control of my life again. Good luck my friend.

  4. You need to tell her doctor about her behavior. This sounds like abuse hidden under medical issue. She isn’t a toddler that can’t be left alone at home. Is she even working?

    It might help if you saw a therapist yourself. This relationship isn’t healthy at all.

  5. Hey friend,

    I’ve been through the same thing only that it ended up in a place much worse than you are now.

    She was diagnosed BPD, extreme anxiety, depression, you name it. She had trauma by the number too.

    It ended with me dropping out of university. The apartment getting trashed. Me losing my job. My stuff getting trashed. Me being violently assaulted during her freak outs. Nothing was off limits.

    But it started the same way.

    I got out 4 months ago. I agree with no contact. I just hopped on a train with my brother to go love with him in another city.

    I’m not saying your gf has the same violent potential ad my ex, but what you’re describing sounds identical to the earlier phases of our relationship. And you catering to it is what’s making it worse.

    It won’t get better unless she decides to make it better by getting into therapy and respecting your boundaries.

    Without consequences and you continuing to cave in, it’s unlikely to happen.

    All the best, stay strong and make a decision.

    I’ve got your back from afar.

    Much love

  6. Can’t take the garbage out?

    Time for her to go. Nobody should have to live like that. What’s next? Leaving the bathroom door open while you take a shit? You deserve better than that. Sounds like she needs therapy

  7. Imo it sounds like she’s deliberately playing up her issue to keep you isolated. She needs therapy and a new residence asap. You don’t have the tools to help her with her problems.

  8. I don’t know if anyone mentioned it or not. But I think the situation could evolve to something worse, if she sees that you aren’t backing down from going to your mom’s, or in any case where you aren’t falling for her tricks.

    For example, your car keys misteriously going missing, or her calling you later to come home, cause accidentally cut off her arm, the oven is on fire, she is a plane that’s going to crash. So anything to manipulate you into going home asap.

    I would keep it mind, and try to get out of the manipulative relationship.

  9. The same thing happened to me with a girl I dated years back.

    I could not go anywhere without her or she would pout and get upset with me. I have kids and I couldn’t even take them for lunch or to the park without her wanting to fit herself into my day.

    You have two options:

    1) You sit her down and be honest with her but in a way that is helpful yet firm. Tell her you cannot cater to her every moment of the day. You have a life to live, bills to pay, and as much as you love her she needs to start looking for independence. You will help her along the way, but it’s causing you stress and it’s making things hard for you in your life.

    2) You are very blunt as it seems the time for baby talk is over. She can’t withhold your life from you because she isn’t moving on from whatever traumatic or rough things she’s been through. She either seeks professional help and works on herself or she’s hitting the road.

    My ex was too codependent on me and her mom and I couldn’t help her break it, so we broke up. You can’t fix some people especially if they refuse to fix themselves.

    If you truly feel it’s time to split ways then listen to your gut instincts. Best of luck to you

  10. What you are describing is not Codependency. Also, it’s worth noting that you aren’t codependent on someone, you are codependent WITH someone. It takes two people to create a codependent dynamic.

    Regardless, while she may have some codependent tendencies from growing up in an abusive home, what you are describing sounds like anxiety and trauma responses. We learn how to manage our interpersonal relationships when we are children. If as children we leaned certain behaviors to deal with dysfunction then those are the behaviors we use as adults. It’s a lot very difficult and slow work to undo this.

    If you are unhappy with the relationship dynamic either work together to change it or leave. A relationship is made up of two people. Both contribute to the way the relationship plays out. I’d take a look at what attracted you to a woman like your girlfriend and why you are having such a hard time leaving a situation where you aren’t happy. If anything, your behavior has more signs of codependency than hers. In general happy, secure people attract other happy secure people. I’d dig in what you are trying to subconsciously fix by being with someone so obviously dealing with a lot of trauma.

  11. She needs to get a job. There’ll be other people there so she won’t be alone. She doesn’t contribute anything. Not even chores. You have a dependent. If you can convince her to get a job and grit your teeth for a month after that you can kick her out guilt free because she has no excuses to not find a roommate and pay rent with her newly acquired wealth. She can be the roommates problem. This isn’t healthy. All those problems are her problems not you problems and she is an adult and needs to figure it out herself. Give her mom the heads up when you dump her, have a third party there to be a witness to any freak outs. Call the cops if needed if she threatens to off herself, she either will and needs the help or she won’t and dealing with the cops with teach her not to do that. Good luck, sounds like a crappy situation. She sounds exhausting. Don’t trash your life and risk your job because of her, you’ll just be resentful and homeless. Not worth it.

  12. Sweet there’s being codependent then there’s being abusive and manipulative with it, can I ask you to do something for me imagine your mum telling you she is being treated how you are do you think it’s acceptable

    She may be codependent but it’s now unhealthy and she is not being a good partner she needs to get herself help and I don’t think u should be with her while she does not physically only overvtext n calls and only on scheduled times

  13. This is awful and I’m so sorry. But you really need to kick her out – at the end of the day it doesn’t matter if she is being manipulative on purpose or abusive on purpose, or if this is just her mental issues escalating, because the effect on you is the same.

    You are being isolated, controlled, manipulated and – yes! – abused. Those are the words for what you are experiencing. The reason for this may be something else than “she’s a toxic abuser”, it may be “her mental health is out of control and escalating”, but think about it as a black box thought experiment. What’s happening in the box doesn’t matter, look at the output: and the output is that your relationship is toxic and scary and you can’t live life normally and its getting *worse.*

    She needs to get different meds, better help. Honestly, I think she should be in a psychiatric ward until this doesn’t get better. I’m serious, I think you should tell her that this is an option that may be the best since she can’t stay alone, and you can’t be there all the time – not should you be expected to.

    I know this is incredibly scary and difficult, but you need to let her go. Having mental issues doesn’t mean this is not abuse, it absolutely is. The fact that she is getting less tolerant is only showing you that this is getting worse, and you doing everything to “help” is not helping at all. And that makes sense, bc what you are actually doing is ENABLING her. It’s like when someone has a phobia and does everything to never see the scary thing – the phobia gets worse, not better. If you are doing everything in your power to be obedient and always there, you are enabling her and her issues are getting worse and they will keep on getting worse. You need to leave and she needs to get help. She’s an adult and can grasp a phone, do a google search – she is choosing not to do those things. If she does hurt herself, it will absolutely NOT be your fault.

  14. to be honest, I used to be like her. being alone with myself was scary, and if no one was home I would vomit and shake uncontrollably. going outside made me have public meltdowns, so I always had my boyfriend go with me. this all started right after COVID because my boyfriends family and i took it very seriously and i didn’t see anyone except my roommate or my boyfriend for 2 years. the only thing that made me snap out of it was my boyfriend (who i thought i would marry) breaking up with me.

    i ended up on the highest dose of two concurrent anxiety medications and was on a benzo and still had panic attacks. i was so fucked. i’m stable now and haven’t had a panic attack in 9 months, but i wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

    at the time i wishes my boyfriend would ride through it with me, but looking back i can see i was ruining his life and he wasn’t bettering mine

  15. Break up and kick her out, have a group of both her friends and yours of mixed gender there when you do so she can’t falsely accuse you of anything, the first instance of her threatening self harm or suicide call the police or someone you know she can trust and tell them. Then block her and move on with your life. She needs help you shouldn’t and cannot provide and your destroying yourself to keep her issues barely in check.

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