Sorry if the title is confusing but its exactly what happened to me last night. We became exclusive just 2 weeks ago and it was the first time we were having sex. It was going well when she suddenly said that she isnt in the mood anymore so I stopped and asked her if she is ok and to not worry. We then cuddled instead and it was then she said that it was really a test to see if I would stop or if I would try to force her or coerce her or make her feel guilty for stopping sex. She said her ex of 3 years used to do it a lot and when they broke up she promised to herself that she will never stay with someone who exhibited similar behavior. Now I understand her point but being tested has left a really bad taste in my mouth and I am afraid I will be doubting her during sex from now on. She said she will not test me again but I dont know what to believe here. Would really love some advice here.
New gf tested me by stopping in the middle of sex to see if I will force her like her ex
I think I can provide some helpful context here. Take it with a grain of salt, obviously: I’m not your girlfriend and can’t speak to how she’s actually feeling. That said, I’ve dealt with PTSD from sexual assault (and when your partner doesn’t stop when you tell them to, that’s sexual assault) and one of the ways that manifested was that I could get really, really caught up in my own head during sex.
I worried a lot that my husband wouldn’t be paying close enough attention – that I might panic and get triggered and not be able to tell him, and that he’d just keep on having sex with me without noticing. I worried about this so much that I kind of made it happen – I found I was ruining sex for myself simply by…worrying too much that I would ruin it.
You see what happened with your girlfriend as a test. She didn’t actually need to stop having sex, but she told you she did because she wanted to know how you’d react. From this perspective it seems shitty and dishonest and like she doesn’t trust you.
I wonder, though, if she really DID need you to stop in that moment. Putting myself in her shoes, I would probably have been spending a lot of time during sex worrying that if I needed to stop, you wouldn’t. And it’s totally possible that that worry would take over my mind so much in the moment that I really WOULD need you to stop. Because I needed to know that you would, yes, but also just because I was panicking.
What my husband and I wound up doing was setting up not tests, but PRACTICE. And we set them up together, so we were on the same page. We would have cuddle or makeout sessions where the whole point was that they weren’t ending in sex (or if they got that far definitely not orgasms). He was going to routinely check in with me (he would ask what colour I was, and I could answer green, yellow or red, depending on my panic levels) and at some point I would call a halt to everything and we’d just go back to hanging out. If he was too worked up he’d go jerk off quickly, but mostly we just wound down together. We made a game of it, kind of. Obviously it was frustrating, but it was also fun to feel like teenagers again. More importantly, every time I said “red” and he didn’t push it, I felt more confident in my ability to speak up, and more comfortable trusting him to keep me safe. It helped me retrain my poor brain.
I don’t think your girlfriend is trying to trap you – I think she’s just scared and trying to show her own brain that you’re safe and trustworthy.
Her ex used to rape her. That’s what forcing someone to keep having sex means, even if she’s not calling it that.
it’s confronting to deal with but being clear about what you both want and being explicit about consent is important. Her ex did something very violating and this isn’t an attack on your character, it’s more that she probably has some degree of trauma about having been raped and knowing she’s safe to say no is important.
I don’t believe in most immature tests I see on this subreddit, but this one feels fair to me as it’s about her safety. She needs to know she feels safe with you. She wasn’t accusing you of anything. Most women have had experiences where we trust a man, until we are vulnerable…until we fall asleep, have a few drinks, etc. I will also say “stop” with a new partner, just to make sure he understands consent. It doesn’t make me immature or traumatized. Just like having to carry pepper spray at night, or not going out alone, women do different things than you to feel safe, and I think in this case you need to respect that. She told you exactly why she needed to do it, to see if she was safe with you. If it continues, sure, tell her to see a therapist, but this was once. You showed you are safer than other men. She feels safe with you. Move on.
Normally I think relationship “tests” are dumb, but this is a weird exception where I understand your gf. I didn’t outright tell my boyfriend that I was doing this until years later, but I absolutely stopped things prematurely several times in the first year of our relationship for this reason. I trust him completely but sometimes my PTSD-informed lizard brain needs some reassurance. It just helps me feel at ease the other 99% of the time we’re having sex.
The reason why I started doing this was because I was having trauma responses to totally consensual sex. Even if I wanted to keep going and I was enjoying myself, I would have a panic attack sometimes. I would start feeling stressed out thinking “if I wanted to stop right now, could I?” It’s a physiological issue that comes from past experiences, it has nothing to do with the person I’m with. By stopping things in the middle like what your gf did, I was able to sort of rewire my brain into not (mistakenly) feeling like my body is out of my control during sex.
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I don’t see the problem. It’s not like a cheating test, it’s just checking to see if you respect her boundaries during sex which is a reasonable thing to worry about in new relationships, especially with prior trauma.
Ok I know I read this exact story before. Did you steal this?
Anyone can stop sex at any time. Whatever her reason, she hasn’t done anything wrong.
To be able to enjoy sex, women (and men too presumably) need to feel safe. She needed to check that you would respect her. It was your first time, how could she have any idea whether she’s safe or not? She can’t trust her instincts because they let her down before!
Tests are nasty when it’s things like asking a BFF to pretend to flirt or getting her brother to take you to a strip club. But when it comes to personal safety… would you enjoy sex knowing that your GF is shit scared you might rape her? Wouldn’t you rather she felt really safe? Don’t you think the sex might be a million times more wonderful when both partners are feeling safe and loved and comfortable enough to do whatever they think will give pleasure?
In the future, I suggest you take steps to make sure that your GF feels safe without having to test you. You can ask, for example, whether she’s up for this or that position or move, tell her to please let her know if she’s uncomfortable, or if anything hurts her, because it would be horrifying to find out that you’d hurt her when you definitely don’t mean to. You can suggest a safe word too, although that might make her worry that you’re going to try something weird or painful.
Editing to say that if women only ever had sex when they were 100% sure they would not be raped, men would be complaining a whole lot more about not getting enough. The first time with a guy is **always** risky.
It’s everyone’s right to stop sex whenever they want. Her basically being raped by her ex repeatedly would be traumatic, obviously. I don’t see the issue with this.
i think its normal to want to make sure your partner is going to listen to your boundaries and the only real way to find out is by “testing”. her safety is more important than you feeling sad that she had to do it. most rapists are people that the victim initially trusted
She didn’t wrong you with malicious intent, she put her safety first, which is the right thing for her to do with a new partner. Sure, it sucks. But she didn’t like, fuck with you for fun.
She wanted to know if she could feel safe with you. That’s super important. It was probably something she thought about every day, and worried about from the moment she considered sleeping with you. The only way to know if you’ll stop when asked… is to ask you to stop.
It’s not really something you can talk about randomly. No man is going to say “nah, I’ll keep going and effectively rape you”, every man would *say* “of course I’ll stop!”
The consequence for you is… that you did stop. And you feel odd. You’re entitled to those feelings, too.
So, now, you can sit down and talk about it. Tell her how it made you feel. Ask her to share more about how she feels. Use it as an opportunity to communicate and grow together.
She’s been raped in the past. You understand that, right? She told her ex to stop and he didn’t. Honestly, you should be a bit patient with her. *He* did something that violated her to her core, of course she’s going to be cautious with new relationships.
Wow some of these comments are absolutely disgusting. You know what a liar and rapist says? “just trust me”.
I dated a few men who talked a big game and promised things left and right that ended up doing the exact opposite of what he’s promised…you can’t just believe the “trust me bro” types.
She didn’t set you up to screw someone else or catch you in a lie, she wanted proof to know she was safe with you and could continue with you, you passed, move forward even if she needs more reassurance.
If you can’t handle someone worrying about themselves, then don’t be in a relationship that requires empathy and understanding for your partners needs.
What do you mean test you again? There will be times during sex she wants to stop. That isn’t a test…. You just stop.
You’re making too much of this. Just continue as usual. If she doesn’t say anything you’re good. If she says stop, you stop. Just like normal. People have to do whatever they think they need to do to move on. It really has nothing to do with you and I would let it go.
might just be me but i think shes valid for that. sa trauma is REAL and she wanted to protect herself. why exactly would you be doubting yourself during sex? i dont really understand why it makes you so uncomfortable.
She has trauma and this is what it led to her doing. She needs to heal from the trauma.
She has trust issues but I wouldn’t have a problem with that. Stopping during sex is normal and probably going to happen naturally anyway
She had PTSD, if you are not cool with it, you’re not the one for her.
This is a little different than the normal pathetic testing that you see going on.
She is a sexual abuse survivor. She has coped magnificently with that trauma, and just needed a small confirmation to allow her to commit to you.
Focus on the positives. Be glad that you’re in her life now, not some p.o.s. who raped her on the regular. Be glad that she felt safe enough with you to admit to her deception.
Of course it’s not ideal, but if you make clear that deception and that kind of testing isn’t okay, and you expect to be respected as a partner, it can all be okay in the future.
Tell her that a loving partner sets their S.O. up for success.
One, at least she told you. Two, she’s dealing with serious trauma from basically being raped in her last relationship. No, it’s not cool that she tested you, particularly during your first time together, but try to understand what she has dealt with in the past and have a real conversation with her outside of the bedroom.
Tell her how you’re feeling. While she’s welcome to be nervous based on past experiences, the way she went about it isn’t okay. Discussing her worries with you and her history outside of sex would have been a much better idea.
I gotta say, this 2 week relationship sounds really rocky. Your new girlfriend says she was coerced into sex or raped many times by her ex of 3 years, and your focus is on yourself and whether she will give you more shit tests. It doesn’t make you a bad person, but it doesn’t bode well for your relationship. Are you sure you like this girl enough to deal with the inconveniences of her trauma?
Yes, she may need to express more of that trauma in the future, and it is normal for someone who went through horrible things to do so. It’s weird as hell that people in the comments are roasting her for it. She did nothing wrong, neither did you, but you aren’t prepared for it and sound offended and inconvenienced by it.
Personally, I wouldn’t consider this a deal breaker given her explanation. I don’t agree with her doing it the way she did, but I can understand her rationale.
If she does it a second time to ‘test’ that would be a deal breaker.
As someone who has been through sexual assault along with being blamed for what happened by an ex, who also got upset on several occasions when I asked to stop and started calling me selfish or emotionless, I can understand your partner. It’s absolutely terrifying when you are intimate with someone, and you lose the mood, but are scared of the reaction from the other person if you say you want to stop.
I do understand your feelings, and I am not your girlfriend, but as others have stated it before, I think she just wanted to know how you react and she needs to feel safe. You did the right thing when you stopped, and I hope that she can feel a bit better now. I also think it’s important for you both to talk about this, to make sure that you both will always feel comfortable stopping and understanding it does not have to do with the person you’re with, it can be a billion other reasons.
Wishing you two the best!
Testing you on the very first time seems like a good way to irreversibly taint that first time memory.
I would just leave tbh. She can learn to deal with things in a more appropriate way without traumatizing you at the same time.
PTSD is a real thing and she was clearly in an abusive relationship. She may have been triggered by the sex and go in her head. I wouldn’t worry about it. However, I would ask her when she’s ready to talk to me about that relationship. That way you can learn her triggers. Furthermore, I would encourage her to get some counseling to deal with the trauma.
This is PTSD and she has clearly suffered some pretty serious abuse, likely beyond what she has disclosed. She needs therapy.
If you do pursue a relationship with her, this will manifest itself in other ways that may be less benign than a test during sex. Keep in mind that she is a victim and none of this is her fault, but if she doesn’t get therapy and you stick around, you’re in for a very bumpy ride.
Karma farming lol
She felt comfortable enough to tell you the truth. That shows a lot. Don’t see it as you being used… see it as her making sure she won’t be used/abused. Good on you for showing her there are good people out there
To be honest… we are all fucked up in our own ways.
Its not cool to *test your partner…* but if that is what she required to make herself feel more comfortable, so be it.
Be open with how it made you feel, that it made you take a step back and reevaluate things as whole.
If you two cannot at least discuss the incident in a healthy manner, that is a sign you two are doomed to fail. But if you both can see / understand both sides, then you’re in a step in the right direction.
None of us know wtf we are doing.
Red flag for me personally
Early relationship so leaving wouldn’t be too bad, I’d leave
It’s not worth it, she clearly has trauma which is awful but I’d be thinking she’s going to say I done xyz if I ever do something to annoy her
This would be a dealbreaker for me. I’d rather be single.
You have nothing to worry about, so when she asks you to stop, you stop. You got this.
This is what trauma does to people.
She was repeatedly forced into sex and is trying to stay safe baby you’re not the victim here. Every sexual assault surviver will do something like this in their life… It was dumb of her to tell you though
Normally testing your partner is not healthy behavior but here is a case where she is doing it literally to feel physically safe around you. She has survived sexual trauma and it takes more for her to feel comfortable.
Losing the control over what’s happening to our bodies is an experience that a page percentage of women experience, and it’s soul-crushing.
We have to take so many risks that men almost never truly understand just to live a normal life.
I know it sucks to feel judged by the actions of other men, but for women it is a matter of survival. Literally.
She at least likes you, clearly. She trusts you enough to let you into her. “Trust, but verify”. She verified that you care about her comfort and autonomy. This lifted an enormous weight from her mind.
And she cares about you enough to be truthful about the test, she could have just said nothing. I’d day you two have a good foundation to build on. I wish you both the best of luck!
This would creep me out and I’m not sure I could be in a relationship with someone who would do this. Think of it this way, if she isn’t sure she can trust you during sex, then she shouldn’t be having sex with you in the first place. If sounds like she has legitimate concerns given her past, but she approached this all wrong. She should have had an adult conversation with you. “Testing” a partner is a sick game and it never goes well in the end.
aw fuck, that’s really sad for her. i’m glad you passed her test. i don’t usually like “tests” in relationships, but this one seems necessary and painful for her. i hope that you’ve proven that you’re trustworthy to her and you can both work on healing together ❤️
That’s messed up
Don’t waste your time on emotionally unstable people who expect you to constantly prove yourself. Cut off contact immediately
Your girlfriend just did what she could in the moment to make her feel safe with you. She did nothing wrong. That trauma will follow her forever, no matter how much healing she does. Just help her in whatever way she wants to show she can trust you to respect her boundaries and care for her feelings.
At the same time, it also makes sense that you feel badly that your girlfriend wasn’t sure at first if she could trust you. Just know that it is not personal. She would be checking for safety in this sort of way with any potential partner.
If this were on AITA, I would definitely say NAH. I hope both of you are very happy together!
“Testing” is a big red flag. If you have anything then say it, set boundaries clearly, if they break it breakup.
Whatever the reason she didn’t communicate, instead decided to play games. This will be a pattern, she wouldn’t say what she should, she wouldn’t communicate, instead she’ll “test” you.
This is toxic.
No. Nope. Nopety nope nope. She is nowhere near ready to be in a relationship if she feels she has to do this. As a victim of R, I understand the feelings that come with being intimate for the first time after and it IS scary, but I gave myself the time to process and heal before I even thought about sex, and I honestly can’t imagine doing this to someone. It’s not fair, and it isn’t someone else’s job to be responsible for what the person before him did. Her testing you like this shows she still has stuff to work through. If you validate this behavior, you’re essentially letting her know you’re OK with paying for her ex’s mistakes. There could be a ton of other things that she’ll stop you from doing because of her experiences with him, and this can lead to an imbalanced relationship where her trauma and insecurities lead her to be controlling and toxic. This test was a huge red flag that she needs more time and some professional help to work through what happened to her. What her ex did was wrong and disgusting, but she can’t put the burden of responsibility on you just because she hasn’t worked through the trauma yet. In your position-I’d offer to be her friend and be there for her in that capacity, but I would absolutely not get into a relationship with this girl.
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