Friday, March 24, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceNew to the sahm life

New to the sahm life

I moved out of parents house at 20, went to college, very independent for years.

Met a guy, moved him into my apartment. He proposed in 2008, we didn’t marry cause he wouldn’t let me keep maiden name but stayed together anyway. Next thing I know, we’ve been together for 20 years and have kids.

Once Covid hit, I became a sahm. Tbh I don’t like it but who else will do it?

I live off of his money now and I hate it!!! He uses it to his advantage also. Told me he wouldn’t give me anymore after we agreed to me quitting my job.

I’m so over it and want back into workforce. But…I have to worry about sports and time…I need to get which kid to which place. Why can’t he worry about kids getting to/off bus, homework, dinner, etc.

I hate being a woman!!!! And I don’t know what to do anymore

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  1. Talking to grandparents, friends, siblings, about getting the kids to wherever they need to go and to babysit would help you to finally get back doing what you like. Take your life back. There are also government resources you can find to help and since you are not married (thank god) you might be able to get financial help for daycares/babysitters/ after school care.

    He is being financially abusive towards you and that is never a good thing. He needs to start actually being a father to those kids he helped produce so you can have your life back. Supporting the kids financially and not actually helping isn’t being a father. It is being a deadbeat that pays child support while living under the same roof.

  2. I feel your pain, I’ve been on maternity for a year, but I have worked freelance for a lot of it. The season I work in has ended now though, so I’ve been an actual SAHM for about 12 weeks, and it’s living hell. I’m going back to my ‘main’ job in 8 weeks and I cannot wait! It’s only 3 days a week, but I earn a full wage, and it’s for my sanity!

    Can you not work part time? What your husband is doing is financial abuse, its absolutely not on! You sound like a driven woman, take the control back in your life. You aren’t asking for anything unreasonable, you are asking to go to work.

  3. So go back to work and make him split the duties. He can’t exactly say no. Just go back to your pre-COVID existence. Hell, drop the bomb the next time he holds money over you.
    “You know, you’re right! I need to get a job and start pulling my own weight around here. I’ve got a kid schedule all set up. You have Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and I’ll take the rest. Don’t worry, I’ll start contributing more to our family “

  4. I’m so sorry. I know way too many women who’ve fallen into this trap, myself included!

    Absolutely start applying for jobs. You don’t need his permission. Let him sulk about it if that’s how he wants to be.

    How did you juggle kids’ activities before you quit? You could refuse to do more than 50% and see if he picks up the slack. If not, you could hire someone to help out.

    If worst comes to worst, your kids will survive missing out on extracurriculars for a few months. I know it sucks and hopefully it wouldn’t come to that, but your #1 priority should be regaining your financial independence. Don’t let him use kids’ sports to keep you dependent. It’s not worth it.

    I would also start getting things in order so that you can leave him.

    Edit: Also, consider telling people what he’s doing. Abuse thrives in the darkness.

  5. Yeah this isn’t about your gender. This is about your husband not being a good dad or partner. If he was you should be able to express your desire to work again and he should help you accomplish that. If he was he would already be helping with the kids more anyways. If your husband isn’t someone who would want you to be happy then should you really be together?

  6. What is preventing you from just going for it, finding a job and dumping half the responsibilities on him? He can’t exactly say no, or force you to be a SAHM, these kids are as much his kids as they are yours! I don’t think any woman should ever be financially dependent on a man, because of the exact problem you have now. Don’t ever put anyone in a position where they can hold you hostage for financial reasons.

  7. It’s better for your kids in the long term to not be in a shitty marriage. You don’t hate being a woman, you hate being married to a man that is financially abusing you

  8. In the UK that is classed as financial abuse. Which i understand he can be jailed for. You need to have a conversation with him and make him aware that he is being abusive. Then could you you start back to work part time ? Then build it back up from there.

  9. Um, you need to leave. If you have a true partnership, he should also be in charge of taking the kids places, homework, and housekeeping. It sounds like your “partner” is a mess. “wouldn’t let me keep my maiden name”? What the actual hell? You don’t live off of his money HE lives off of your contribution.

    I am currently a SAHM, before my husband and I decided to marry we talked about what our lives/future would look like, careers, kids, etc. We both felt it was important for me to be home when we had kids based on our own childhoods. We both agreed… even though I knew it would be an adjustment as I had been financially independent from my parents since I was in jr. high school. It was a HUGE adjustment in many ways that I didn’t anticipate, but I felt bad about not contributing to the finances in any meaningful way. My husband shut that nonsense down immediately. I was doing a bulk of the childcare because he was at work. I take kids to medical appointments, music lessons/sports/after school activities, manage the entire family social calendar, as well as looking after everyone’s emotional well being. My husband works full time, does more than his fair share of housework, cooks twice a week, does bedtime every night and is an extremely present father and partner to me. There has never been a “his money” because he’s working. It is OUR money and OUR collective future and we are both making enormous contributions. My contribution, while not monetary, allows for HIS contribution to exist at all. He sees it, values it, and helped me to see it in the early days when so much of my self worth/identity had been tied to my career.

  10. No, I don’t see you hating being a woman. You hate a sexist society and being at the mercy of a misogynist. Btw, if you are a SAHM and doing almost all the childrearing, his money is not his money anymore. His money is yours as much as his. You should have full access to it and as much control as he does. If he doesn’t like it, he can make a schedule of your children’s needs that will let you go back to work. Don’t let him financially abuse you!

  11. Correction……….

    You don’t “hate being a woman”.

    You hate trading away your self-determination and self-direction so capriciously……
    as a woman.

    Now you are up to your Ass in “have-to-s” and “gotta-s” and are probably on the very same trajectory that hundreds of thousands of other women are on: to wit:

    “When the kids are outta here, I’M outta here.”

    IDK how long you have to wait but until then you Can heal the damage to your Trust in your Judgement and Self-preservation. I rarely make this recommendation but you may well benefit greatly by finding groups that attract women in similar circumstances. I mention this only because BION you are just a hop-skip-and-a-jump from beating the shit out of yourself. The antidote to that toxin is to affirm to yourself that you still have the power of self-determination and self-direction.

    To get you started I am purposely NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU any suggestions about what kind of groups are out there, how to contact them or which are optimal.

    You would not believe how much better you are going to feel about yourself when you successfully accomplish this for yourself.

    Go Gettum, Tiger!!!

  12. If it means anything I would like to thank you for taking care of the kids and doing all the shit nobody wants to do. Thank for being there for them and just basically being a mom. Thank you for trying because there are people who don’t try at all. No, just thank you because you deserve that appreciation so again, thank you.

  13. I don’t get whyd stay with someone who wouldn’t “let” you keep your maiden name. You’re already a single parent, what’s stopping you from dropping the dead weight and starting anew.

    Either that or therapy, but I highly doubt he’d want to pay with “his money”. He’s financially abusing you. Suck up the pride and independence, move back home with parents or a shelter or a kind hearted friend, and wash him for all he’s worth. Unless common law marriage isn’t a thing or you’ve committed tax fraud (by not claiming common law), then the courts should favour you.

    >I live off of his money now and I hate it!!! He uses it to his advantage also. Told me he wouldn’t give me anymore after we agreed to me quitting my job.

    Just for clarification: he agreed to carry you after you quit your job and now he’s changed OR he said you had to quit and he wouldn’t support you?

  14. Break up. He isn’t doing anything to help anyway. The only difference is that he’ll be required by law to give you the financial support he currently seems to be holding over your head. And if he gets custody even 2 or 3 days a week, then you can have some of your individuality back. He sounds like he’s been doing something men have been doing since the beginning of time, using finances to control you. I’d also mention that this is emotional abuse and manipulation. Get out before it gets worse, and your kids start to think that’s ok relationship behavior.

  15. Wait.

    You didn’t marry him because he wouldn’t “let” you keep your maiden name… so then you went and had kids (as in multiple) for him? Like that’s not a *bigger* commitment?


  16. My suggestion is to look into remote work like data entry or something you can do from home but maybe don’t tell him about it as he sounds controlling. Save all your money and get the fuck out of there and live your own life. I’m a SAHM but I pay my own bills. Learned my lesson the hard way with letting my partner be the bread maker in my last relationship. I felt like a child, I had to ask permission to do anything. It’s not worth your happiness and mental health. And also don’t blame this on being a woman. Blame this on being in a relationship with a controlling person. This can happen to men too.

  17. I left a 10 year marriage with 4 kids after being a sahm majority of the time. He wouldn’t let me work because it was cheaper to stay home etc. When I did get a seasonal job when we needed the money, the patently duties still fell on me. I finally got fed up and left because of many reasons including financial abuse, him dictating all the money. I now have my own place and a really good job. It’s doable. I stayed too long because I thought it wasn’t. Don’t waste any more years in unhappiness.

  18. Get a job.

    Plenty of families have both parents working and kids still manage to go where they should. They can have a ride with the parents of other children, you can hire someone to take them, you can work in the mornings when they’re at school and have the afternoons free for them, you can tell your not-husband “honey, I’ll be at work on Thursday afternoon, and I know you aren’t working, so please take Kid2 to soccer and go buy the notebooks that Kid1 needs for school”

  19. This is just so unfortunate and i cant imagine how you feel… its just so wrong that he doesnt prop you up. I feel he should be helping way more to help with the kids ! DM me i would welcome a chat

  20. Pretty simple you can pull a power play and go see a divorce lawyer. Believe me he’ll end up having to pay child support for three kids and support you cuz he told you to quit your job. Go look into it you might be pleasantly surprised.

  21. I don’t think there’s really any advice anyone could give you when you deliberately chose to ignore all the red flags. Only you can make the best of it at this point. Good luck.

  22. Just get a job anyways and he will have to pick up the kids. It’s his responsibility too. Either that or look into resources for help getting out. Move in with a family member if you can and they can maybe help out with the kids while you establish your financial independence. You can definitely get his financial support if you divorce so that’s another option. If he’s abusing you financially, it’s still abuse

  23. i’m sorry you’re in this situation. you need to get family involved. is there anyone who’s in the loop and can help you out? family support is a huge thing in nonwestern cultures, even among diasporas in the west, but not sure what your background is. it would be my first go to if i were in your shoes.

    reasoning with him, especially if he’s not your husband, might be useless honestly. if you’re ready to work, do it! see if there’s anyway you can get child support under common law and separate from him asap

  24. Don’t hate being a woman, in reality, this is nothing to do with being a woman. It’s to do with the partner you chose, and you chose badly. Ive known lesbian couples, gay couples, and a few stay at home dads who feel like you.

    One thing, what does he do for a living? One partner doing all the household stuff while the other works is quite common and can be completely fine. If he works 80 hours a week, then I can understand him not doing much at home if you are a SAHM. If he works 40 hours though, he should at least help a bit.

    Another thing, how old are the kids? If they are very young, it’s completely different to if they are teenagers. You could work full time if they are teens and then just split housework.

    I have to say though, the surname thing is a little weird. It sounds very traditional. Nothing wrong with that imo, it’s not for me, but some people really like traditional values. If you are with a traditional person, without being traditional yourself, then I think thats just you (and him actually) making bad choices.

    I’m sure this comment section will be full of dump him, because it always is. It’ll probably say misogyny too (because it always does) but I don’t think either them are the right responses. If you love him, talk to him about what you want etc. You need to be happy, if you are unhappy you shouldn’t be there, but after 20 years, you probably want to make it work.

    What does he say about you going back to work? That’s the biggest thing. If he says no, then do it anyway, even if it means splitting up. If he is fine with extra money (and potentially working less as he won’t need to bring in as much) then this will all be solved.

  25. Giving him an ultimatum. Put the kids in daycare and go back to work or you can leave his ass and take him for child support… He’s controlling you and you should feel better than that about yourself.

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