So I am not sure if I am trying or not. And would like outside perspective. My husband and I are geographically separated due to both of us being in the military. Before we got separated we found out that I am with child. We are super happy and excited for this baby. Anyhoo… in his new base he made this new friend who knew about me and our pregnancy. My husband and her would hangout all the time, instantly becoming close. Apparently within a month of knowing each other she said he is like a “bro”. Idk about anyone else… but if I was to consider someone like family, we would have to gone through and overcame so much deep sh*t to be that close where I would consider someone family. Then from what he told me, she would talk about how she doesn’t like to be single and that he has to help her find a man. He said he would jokingly point out different guys for her making her laugh.
I felt like from the things he would tell me about their conversations and times they would hangout that they were flirting. I also thought it was strange how she would tell him “I hope I meet your wife” but also say she hates Mexicans. She knows I am Mexican. I’m usually cool with people and feel like I am generally easy to get along with. But there is no way I want to hangout with someone who is incredibly xenophobic like she is.
I told my husband how uncomfortable I feel with him hanging out with her, and that I have suspicions that she is trying to get with him. (This was over the phone because again, we are geographically separated) He lost it when I told him how I felt, and was automatically defending her. He’s never gotten that mad at me before. He told me that if I feel so stressed about having the baby that he can take the baby and raise it. Mind you, I never said that I didn’t want my baby… I just didn’t want our family to be geographically separated anymore. Anyways, I lost it during that phone call, crying like crazy. He hung up, then 20 mins later he called back calm and apologizing, telling me there is nothing going on between him and that other women.
Fast forward to today. We are working on moving past it. I am now 7 months pregnant, in my third trimester. We are still geographically separated but have orders to be together in July. So today we were talking. I honestly forgot to how we got to this conversation (pregnancy brain fog) but somehow we were talking about when we had the rough patch in our relationship. He wanted me to explain how I thought she was trying to get with him. And I explained to him my thoughts. He still was defending her and got upset to how I think she was trying to get with him. This is honestly rubbing me the wrong way… I don’t know if I am being a paranoid pregnant woman, or if my feelings are valid. I just think if you really love your significant other, you would without a doubt be on their side, not on the other person. I feel really sad and hurt that after months he still defends her.
I just want some outsiders perspectives. For so long I tried to hold it in. But I can’t anymore.
Edit: I forgot to mention, again due to having pregnancy fog. I apologize for my brain farts. The a week before he snapped at me I was talking to him about possible bases where we could be stationed together. I told him, if he would like I can try to get orders to where he is because it seems like he likes it a lot. Or the other option is Japan. He got mad and said it would be stupid for me to go there. And I told him “well.. ok we can go to Japan” and then he snapped at me again saying he didn’t want to leave his current duty station. At this point I was lost and told him “if you don’t want me to go there, and you don’t want to go to Japan (which is one of our few options)… than do you want our family to not be together?” This lead to a huge argument about orders and what was to happen to our family. I wanted us together, but he didn’t mind us being apart from what it seemed. This was another reason why I was suspicious about the other woman… like he was trying to keep us apart.
She’s the least of your problems, there’s not enough there to say she’s a homewrecker. I do think this has opened your eyes to your husband’s behavior though.
Your husband is the bigger issue. I’d be questioning why your husband is hanging out with a woman who hates your ethnicity, unless he agrees with her views? And I’d also question why his first reaction to a disagreement was to snap and threaten you with taking your child? That’s not normal at all and honestly raises a huge red flag IMO.
Wow. The taking the baby and raising it without you…his foot is literally out the door. No, I doubt he would take the baby…but he is considering leaving you. Why did the ‘tell me why you think she likes me ‘ come up out of the blue, and honey, that is classic schoolyard stuff….he wants to hear you convince him that yes, she likes him back, and he wants to hear why you see that without seeing it if you know what I mean? He has no one else like a buddy he can ask, because that buddy would say, um asshole you’re married. Dishonorable discharge. I don’t know if she’s racist actually, I mean , if she is, he can sense that and shouldn’t like it. I would actually liken her comment to be more on par if he said you were blonde, to say ‘ I don’t like blonds they’re ditzy’. She was disparaging you, whether truly with racist intent or not, but there is some real danger here for you.
He is having an affair and mentally he is expecting you to be okay with it. He doesn’t want to get called out on adultery at work because they could be separated as a result and in trouble. As soon as you go postpartum that’s who he’ll be definitely be fucking so he can’t leave her now.
When he defends her, he is also defending himself. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be worried about it. The biggest problem I noticed was when he talked about taking the baby and raising it. That sounds like a threat, or a possibility that he is thinking about divorce already
I’m going to come across as quite negative here as this is how I would be reacting if I were you in this situation.
His reaction to your concerns sounds like you struck a cord with him, and by that I mean that you pointed out something ugly to your husband that he deep down thinks could be true. I think your concerns about the female friend is valid and normal but it should have been so easy for your husband to explain that there’s nothing to worry about, rather than him blowing up at you.
You’ve tried to reunite with him on your end by he doesn’t seem to be trying the same thing on his end.
I think the worst case scenario here is him successfully cheating (with or without you knowing) and then trying to crawl back to you afterwards.
If I were you I would start thinking about the logistics of being a single mother. And then put the ball in his court on working out how to reunite your family.
Why is he friends with and defending a xenophobe? That’s enough right there to ask WTF is going on here.
Ask him why her feelings are more important than yours? You may be letting your hormones get to you but during pregnancy (but I dont really think so) he needs to be reassuring you, not messing with your emotions.
The strangest part to me is how your husband can be friends with someone who says they hate the race his wife, and future child, are.
My husband is Mexican, and my best friend is a male (I’m female). If my best friend one day said he hated Mexicans (not that he would, his own boyfriend is Mexican but still) knowing that I was pregnant with a child who will also be part Mexican, I don’t see how I could be friends with him.
I don’t see how she‘s a homewrecker… but if I was in your position there is no way I would accept my partner hanging out with a „friend“ that is so openly racist.
And as an actual loving partner you wouldn’t hang with someone who‘s basically wanting your wife extinguished.
Either way he sounds like a terrible partner and I wouldn’t rule out that he’s actually cheating or at the very least planning to leave you.
From what you said there is absolutely no reason to think she’s a homewrecker or at all trying to get with him. She’s racist – that’s an issue. But there is nothing suspicious about the rest of it from my perspective. It sounds perfectly platonic.
Why does he want anything to do with someone who is racist towards Mexicans?
I would see if you can get transferred there with him and don’t tell him till he sees you. That way he won’t have time to hide shit if something is going on.
sounds like he is kinda emotionally into her. i can’t think of another reason to explode on you like that so immediately.
any solid partner (solid human, actually) is going to automatically jump AWAY from the side of the racist/xenophobe. this speaks more about him vs her, imo.
1000 red flags
I get him being friends with her at work but they seem to be spending too much time together. And I find it odd that he seems to bring up that other lady a lot in your conversations. That’s a red flag to me. And another red flag is him getting mad about you possibly moving to where he’s stationed. Um hello does he not want or be with his wife and child? Something is all the way off and I don’t fucking like it. And why would he stay friends with someone like her that admits to not liking Mexicans?! Idk all I’m gonna say is follow your gut feeling on this.
She could be a homewrecker, but keep in mind that even if she isn’t, she’s xenophobic and prejudiced against the race that his wife is, and not only is he keeping her around, but he’s also making excuses for her and putting you down. He’s emotionally abusing you, threatening to take your baby from you, refusing to be moved to your location, and having an inappropriate relationship with a woman that he’s not married to. Throw the whole man away, and maybe mention to his superiors that he’s possibly having an affair once you get proof. Any committed man would move heaven and earth to be with his wife and child. If he’s not giving you a resounding yes, it’s a no, and he has made it clear that he doesn’t want this marriage anymore. It looks to me like he’s deep in affair fog. Check out Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. You deserve better, OP.
Every week there are posts that crop up here about how spouse or SO got caught cheating with their so called “best friend” that they swore up and down they don’t think if them that way, they are like a bro. or sis, etc.
If your gut it telling you something is off, then it’s off. You know him far better then any of us (we don’t even know him).
Yikes. He’s cheating or about to. Or he just doesn’t respect you. Do you want to be a single mother? I would give him the child & walk away. She’s the other woman
He doth protest too much. He’s fucking her.