One of my closest friends got engaged a few months ago. She said her and her fiancé want to do a big wedding in 2024 but recently due to her grandma’s declining health, they decided to elope the morning after Thanksgiving coming up. At first she invited me, I was super happy for her and able to join cause I live locally in our small city. Most of the their friends and family live out of state. They decided on a small chapel wedding and then get a lunch celebration afterwards. This was something said they randomly decided to do because of her grandma.
Well, the other she texted to let me know she decided to only have her roommates (another married couple whom I’ve met several times), her mom and grandma there and said she didn’t want me there anymore because they felt guilty not inviting other guests… She said I could join the lunch afterwards and they still will be having a big wedding in about 2 years (and I will mostly likely be a bridesmaid, I hope). It really confused me cause I’m one of her closest friends, live locally and other people they know are not. I told her I understood and wish I could be there but I feel saddened that she decided to u-invite me now. Has anyone ever been in this position? Did it make your friendship feel weird? Did you say anything? I have accepted it but I’m still really sad.
TL;DR: One of my closets friends invited me to her micro wedding/elopement the day after Thanksgiving because her grandmas health is declining. But then decided to un-invite me because they feel guilty other people cannot come. I’m local to our small city and their other friends/family are not. It’ll be their roommates (married couple whom I have met several times), her mom and grandma. She said I can join the lunch celebration after and they plan to have a big wedding in 2 years. I feel saddened that she in-invited me, I was super excited to be there for them. And now it’s a let down.
It’s in poor taste to invite someone to a wedding and then uninvite them.
It’s okay to feel slighted about that, you were slighted.
I wouldn’t take it personally, to be honest. It sounds like she jumped the gun with inviting you in the first place. Once she did then they had to figure who else, and who to not, and it just got ugh.
She clearly wants you share in it, so go to the luncheon and be happy for her.
It sounds like she wanted to invite her. Maybe the groom couldn’t have some of his friends or loved ones there so he made a fuss. So in order to compromise and not stir the pot she uninvited her friend, if she truly your friend don’t take it personal and support her.
It sounds like the whole thing has been a bit of a last minute mess with her family heavily involved. You’re likely someone who inviting means socially feeling obligated to invite others, which can spiral out of control. Either as part of a group or because there are too many similarly close people on the grooms side or her family views you as equivalent to cousins and others who aren’t invited and she is just about ready to explode from it all.
Often weddings, especially last minute micro weddings for family reasons, aren’t about the couple but are heavily about the family.
I wouldn’t take this personally at all.
I’d probably tell her not to worry about it, sounds like a mad house, let’s grab brunch the week after and celebrate together?
Yes, your feelings are valid but honestly cut your friend some slack. It sounds like she’s trying to put something resembling a wedding together on short notice and having to please more people than she can given the circumstances. The uninvite was not “Miss Manners” approved but showing understanding might help your friendship in the long run.
I don’t follow the bride’s logic. You’re not good enough for the small ceremony, but good enough for the lunch afterwards. The lunch invitation sounds like an afterthought only for damage control purposes.
I would reevaluate the friendship and determine how close the two of you really are. This sounds a bit one-sided.
You just have to understand that you’re not as close to her, as you felt you were. You can still be friends, just understand you’re not as high on the list as you thought.
Weddings make people act crazy. I know it hurt your feelings, but it sounds like this wasn’t your friend’s plan for her wedding to begin with. Go to the luncheon. Be supportive and have a good time.
I would go the optimistic route and say inviting you started a conflict about who could and couldn’t come and the bride uninvited you as a “barganing chip” to avoid having someone she dislike present. Still rude, still worth an explanation and apologies and it’s legit it make you feel down. But it’s probably not as bad as it’s making you feel and probably not even about you.
Is it a case of they feel guilty, or her partner feels slighted that she was going to have a close friend there, and he couldn’t?
Maybe decline the lunch, ask her for a raincheck dinner celebration later.
I’d be miffed. It’s just rude to uninvite someone after inviting them. There’s not a cost/space issue that they didn’t know. They’re still inviting you to the lunch which is where cost/space should be. Plus I don’t see how you being at the lunch avoids others not getting mad at you being there – you’re still there.
I’m not saying write her off, but I’d be beyond sad and couldn’t guarantee this wouldn’t change things. She let guilt for other people cause her to hurt you – and being in the wedding industry herself she should know that uninviting someone would hurt them.
Does this mean you don’t have to buy a wedding present?
It’s not about you. Say that. Remind yourself that you are invited to the lunch after, not very many people were invited to celebrate with them, you were. Your friend is trying to pull together an event in a very short time, while dealing with her grandmother’s declining health. Give her some grace.