Sunday, March 26, 2023
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Partner not well and refusing to go to the doctors

I (24F) am in a long term relationship with my partner (25M). He is quite big and in the last 6+ months has been having chest pains, breathing problems etc.
I am not the healthiest person myself but I am worried about him. Since he has started having these issues I have begged and pleaded with him to go to the doctors. He refuses to go because he knows that they will likely tell him he needs to change his eating habits and do more excercise.

I’m worried he will eventually get diabetes or any other health issues related to his unhealthy habits.

He has a job which involves sitting at a computer all day and he barely leaves the house. I try and encourage him to go out for fresh air and walks etc which he doesnt mind doing, but he doesnt neccessarily enjoy it.

The main reason for this post is becausw today he has been having particularly bad chest pains and I suggested calling the doctors again which is insisted not to.

TLDR I am really worried for his health and fear it will only get worse but he won’t go to the doctors!

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  1. He’s a grown man so you can’t force him to do anything, sadly. The chest pains could be signs of a heart attack though and he could be looking at a significant change for the worse in his quality of life without treatment, or death. Ignoring it won’t make it less real or make it go away. Hopefully he’ll pull his head out of his behind, grow up, and go to the Dr. If not, I hope he has a good plan for hospitalization, rehab, and possibly home health care. Or good death benefits that also cover funeral costs. Breaks my heart to see people fundraising for funeral expenses.

    Sorry to be so harsh but your boyfriend clearly isn’t taking his health seriously.

  2. My only advice is point out to him that his body his choice but this is supposed to be a partnership and his decisions about his health affect you too not just him.

    If he is pre diabetic he can reverse that. Choosing to continue down a path of serious illnesses like diabetes strokes and heart failure is a choice he is making about your future not just his own.

  3. I dated this girl who grew up in an “all natural” family. anti Vax, all organic. Never took there kids to the doctors once. Well while we were dating she started having really bad abdominal pain. And she would not go to the doctors. She was scared. As the only time she had been to the doctors was when she passed out at school and they took her to the hospital. But I had to sit her down and let her now how serious this was to me. I told her I care about her health as much as I care about mine. And seeing her in pain with something that could be very serious really scares me. Probably more then the doctors scared her. But all it took was one really deep heart to heart. I told her I would be there and I would hold her hand the entire time. Well sure enough the visit did not go well. They had to be very invasive, intrusive? Idk the word. to find out she had a cyst on her ovary. And mind you this girl had never been to the doctors. She had never been even touched below the belt before (even by me at this point) so even as traumatizing as it may have been for her after it was all said and done she was happy she went bevause she felt better and she had no reason to be worried about what’s going on. And I imagine she had all kinds of anxiety, and a battle going on in her head on whether to go or not.

  4. It’s not your responsibility to take care of someone who doesn’t want to take care of themselves. If you say that you have to because you are in a relationship, then why are you in a relationship with someone who doesn’t take care of himself? It’s not sustainable and it just burdens you.

  5. My aunt had a neighbor that died of a heart attack at 34. I know a lot of younger guys that think they’re too young to have a heart attack, but it happens. I myself lost my mom in her early 40s. There is no guarantee on life. I hope you can convince him to get checked out. For both your sakes

  6. Not to compare the effect of the two situations, but I think the advice is going to be the same to anyone dating an addict. You can’t change them, but you can put up boundaries. You can accept the situation you’re in. They’re not going to change until they want to change. Read the advice given in Naranon and pretend it’s about food.

  7. My partner has asthma and sleep apnea. Diagnosed young. My partner treats these symptoms but he rejects the doctor frequently. Especially if they correlate with pain. When he knows he needs to go in, he needs to go in. You’re just going to have to let him deal with it. Bring up health in subtle ways. I watch documentaries that will freak him out or youtube videos. Fear will probably be the motivating factor or a near death experience.

  8. It sounds like there might be some mental aspects contributing to this as well, perhaps he’s struggling to take care of his physical health because he needs to take care of his mental health. Not saying he has depression but we all have our ups and downs and they tend to be reflected in our health attitudes as well. I hope he is doing okay and it’s nothing serious.

  9. Not coming from my personal experience but my sisters, she was always afraid of calling her doctor because NO MATTER WHAT was wrong with her (depression, personality disorder, suicidal thoughts, full body hives, etc.) doctor would always blame her being overweight. Speak with him and if this is his fear he needs a new doctor.

  10. If you’re in the UK try calling 111 next time he has an “attack”. They may very well call an ambulance based on his symptoms, which might finally drive home how serious it is!

  11. former/kind of current fat guy,

    I 100% believe he needs to realize himself the important of his health, for himself, for you, and anyone he cares about. Its good that youre trying to show him this, but its really hard to listen and understand at times, it was for me too.

    The only thing that I can say, to him, is that once you think about why youre doing it, it becomes easy. You can fully turn your health around and get into the best shape of your life, in only a couple of months to a couple years. and remember that every step of the way counts. The first couple of pounds are also the easiest ones, and the most dangerous ones healthwise, so even if its just walking around, or skipping that nighttime snack, its going to help tremendously.

    good luck

  12. I work in an office where we see many diabetics. Please have him come spend a day. I see how things progress. First you have problems with the feet/toes, then you have a toe amputated, then a foot, then a leg. Maybe another leg, or an arm. Then comes dialysis, or cardiology appts. One hospital stay, then another, then another. You’re not driving, walking, working, your whole life is spent dealing with the health issues that have come up because you couldn’t address these things sooner. Then we’re finding out that you didn’t show up for your appt because you’re dead at 58.

    He doesn’t want to be that guy. He wants to be around for his family, his friend, a life. Tell him to suck it up and get his ass to the doctor and deal NOW because he won’t like the alternative.

    edited: typo

  13. TL;DR: we all need that person who forces us to go to the doctor sometimes. Don’t accept a “no”.

    Hi, doctor here. Sometimes I really really wish that I was the next of kin when meeting/hearing of patients refusing visits/vital treatment. Next of kin can force (or strong-arm quite heavily) their loved one to go to the doctor. I can’t. If the patient says no and is not severely psychiatrically ill then I can’t do anything. I’ve called daughters/sons/spouses in the past and informed them of the situation with the result of them dragging their loved one to the hospital (which was my intention). But I can’t do it. I can only treat patients who consent.

    I have definitely strong-armed my loved ones to the ER though when they themselves were to scared, stubborn, tired or flat out lazy to go themselves. I get that not a 100% will allow this to happen to them but a good 90% can surely be yelled, threatened or even just physically taken to much needed medical care.

    People may be as smart as they come but can still be idiots when it comes to their own health. I met a stroke doctor who convinced himself he didn’t have a stroke despite typical symptoms (he did get care in the end just later than what he should have). A lesson I learned in medicine is that we may all be oblivious to our own health, even smart people/doctors. The reasons are many but can quickly be summed up in emotional myopia. TL;DR: we all need that person who forces us to go to the doctor sometimes. Don’t accept a “no”.

  14. He’s an adult and probably has a mom already. Let him make his own mistakes.

    His mistakes are too great for you to have to bear. Find someone who doesn’t have health problems so young.

    While looking for someone else, work on making yourself healthy so you won’t likewise be too great a burden. If we really love someone we respect them enough to be an asset, not a burden.

  15. Is this in the US or elsewhere because if it’s the US u could probably know why he’s not going it’s God Damm expensive and I don’t blame him for not wanting to pay for it if it is nothing

  16. I’m sorry he’s having these physical symptoms and I’m sorry you are in this position well.

    Unfortunately, you can’t force him to go to a dr or the ER. If ypu call ambulance and he refuses then they won’t take him. Only if he’s unconscious will they transport him.

    So here’s my suggestion… stop being nice and loving and supportive. Instead, sit down with him tell him what you are going to do and what YOUR boundaries are. Tell him WHEN he passes out, you will be calling an ambulance. And what happens after that is up to him, IF he survives.

    You could also tell him that you love him, but his refusal to take care of himself is making you reconsider your relationship. Tell him if he has a stroke (which is way worse to me than a heart attack) that you are not going to take care of him if he refuses to seek help now, while he can.

    Since he refuses to take care of himself, take the focus off him and put it on you and what your boundaries are. This is NOT being selfish! This is designed to get his attention.

  17. He needs to grow up and go. I know it’s hard on you but if something happens to him, ITS NOT YOUR FAULT! yes you’re gonna feel guilty and that’s ok it’s hard to get people you care about to listen to your concerns regarding their health.

    My ex was like this. He refused to go to the doctors, half the time I had to make the damn appointments and then drag him there.

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