My partner is a sex-positive artist and we are both very liberal. We have been together 3 years and long distance for 4 months. During that time she never sent me a nude. She said she would without me promoting, but never did. I’m ok with that if she doesn’t feel comfortable. I haven’t asked, because I’d rather not have one at all than make her feel obligated. I guess I wish she would want to send me that kind of thing naturally.
Recently, she posted a request for some old items for a project and used a nude to get traction. I trust her and don’t have a problem that in itself. But I did feel hurt and kind of excluded that she would share this on instagram but not with me.
I don’t know how to talk to her about it without making her feel like she has to do it as an obligation, that kind of defeats the point for me.
It seems that I want to have my cake and eat it, but I don’t know how to resolve my conflicting emotions about it. Any advice?
I wouldn’t overthink it. Just tell her what you wrote up there. “I know I have never asked, it was because I didn’t want to make you feel pressured to do it. I have to admit that seing the post on instagram hurt me a little and I want to talk about it”
Add: Honestly I understand your point, however, sometimes we have the tendency to get upset about things without having taken previous action, or because we kinda expect a behaviour without having comunicated it to the other person.
>I haven’t asked, because I’d rather not have one at all than make her feel obligated. I guess I wish she would want to send me that kind of thing naturally.
The only thing I can say is that, as you state here, you did not ask worried that she may feel obligated to do it. However, as long as comunication is respectful you have the *rigth* to ask and she has the *choice* to answer. You can always ask in a playful way. If it doesn’t work, play it cool.
Cant post full on real nudes on ig or u get banned. It’s probably implied or censored unlike what op expects to recieve
I don’t think she’s cheating but I also don’t think she’s purposefully doing something for others that she’s unwilling to do for you.
Some people just don’t send nudes to their partners. It doesn’t occur to them. Or they don’t think you’re wanting that. Cause you already get the real thing. The only relationship I’ve sent nudes in was a long-distance relationship because it made sense in that setting. Since that relationship became an in-person one, I’ve never sent him a nude again.
Also, I assume this is an artful nude if she was able to post it on instagram. For her this is simply her art and her work. Not a nude just for her bf.
>I don’t know how to talk to her about it without making her feel like she has to do it as an obligation, that kind of defeats the point for me.
Voicing your sexual desires (or any desire) isn’t making it an obligation for her to do. You can keep it simple and say something like “I would love getting a nude from you. That kind of thing is a turn-on for me.” As a grown woman she’s free to let you know if she’s comfortable with that or not. But seeing as she’s willing to post nudes online, I’m pretty sure she’d be down. She’s not a mind reader. Tell her what you want.
Yes. My advice is to reevaluate your boundaries. What really are you ok with? If you’re not ok with her posting nudes, then you’re not ok with it. You’re allowed to have boundaries, just like she is. There’s not cookie cutter relationship.
But you need to establish those boundaries because what she does that bothers you or you consider not acceptable in a relationship, will eventually come to a head and cause a massive problem.
>I would want her to send me that kind of thing naturally.
Are y’all sexting tho? “Naturally” isn’t gonna be a random out-of-context nude for most women. Most of us have gotten the rando dick pic too much to just do the same back.
You gotta just talk it out. It was clearly wearing on you even before she posted one publicly, or you wouldn’t have been so sure she hadn’t sent one yet. If she told you not to ask, and that’s why she said she’d send without promoting, y’all definitely need a new arrangement. Because you’ve not been prompting and she’s not been sending.
She probably doesn’t send it to you naturally because it’s all business to her and your relationship with her isn’t business.
If you want nudes, just ask.
> I don’t know how to resolve my conflicting emotions about it. Any advice
Ya, you talk to her about them.
Coming from an artist…making nudes as art vs making a nude for your bf is different. She may see it that way too. My parents used to think I was having sex with every model I photographed nude when I first started doing art. Lol. I’d have been exhausted! In art, nudity and sex are not always conflated.
Having your cake and eat too, refers to wanting something you shouldn’t have and being allowed.
A gf whose willing to share nudes but would go out of her way to send it to the public before her intimate partner…
I feel is a very understandable thing to be hurt by.
Its like knowing your S.O is a chef but never cooks for you because they are tired….. which is OK, only to find out that after work one day they decided to cater a dinner for free with the dishes you’ve specifically requested.
To me…. this is unfortunately something to break up over… you can no longer feel valued by them unless you say something, and if you say something that means you’re FORCING THEM to treat you EQUALLY with STRANGERS…. and that will also make you lose your self value.
I suggest breaking things off
She’s trolling for male attention and validation now that youre not present…why else put a nude photo out there.
Guarantee in a few weeks she’ll ask for a break to “find herself”…find herself in a bunch of guys beds.
So what she’s saying is don’t bother me about sending a nude I’ll do it when I’m ready. Yet never sends one but is fine sending a nude for everyone to see.
That’s a shitty thing to do.
I don’t understand why so many people have problems just asking their SO these questions but come here to ask strangers.
Staying mute on the subject just won’t make it better. Telling her how bad this has hurt you and gaging her response will tell you w you need to know. Communication is extremely important in relationships. If you say nothing she’ll do it again and make you feel even more left out.
If y’all had an active sex life of every other day and have been apart for LDR and she’s posting nudes to everyone but you says she’s fishing for compliments from others. She knows you’d like to have her send these to you because she wants to share herself w you long distance but she just doesn’t.
Basically she has you waiting on a photo of her that will never come because if you ask for one it’s too much pressure but if you don’t she won’t send it.
Talk to her. You’ll never get anywhere but a broken heart if you don’t tell her how you feel.
honestly, she probably never thinks of it! I bet if you talked to her she’d like oh fuck shit of course lemme send some just for you
No need to stress too much here- this can be solved with just a little bit of communication. Social media with relationships can be tricky and it’s a conversation that feels kinda silly to have but it’s necessary in this day and age. Just be sure you tell her how you feel and own it- don’t say anything like “you made me” or “you should” statements because that can put her on the defensive. Make sure she knows that you’re wanting to share your thoughts and feelings and inquire about hers as well. Good luck!
Hey! I first want to say that I love how much you respect her and it’s evident you are a solid human being 🙂
As for the conversation, what’s underneath it? There is a need not being met for you and that is where I would focus as it’s less about the photo and more about something deeper that you would like to have with her.
So what exactly is it bringing up? Why is important to you? What is triggering about YOU?
Share from this place of “when I saw the photo you posted it brought this up for me , _______” Then come asking for a collective solution to the issue and ask her what it is bringing up for her too.
I’m sure you can find out what the root of it is 🙂
Being liberal doesn’t mean you have to accept this, and it’s not a excuse to repress or deny your feelings.
Most guys wouldn’t be ok with this.
Dude just ask for nudes if you want one. I feel weird sending my bf unsolicited nudes because I’m worried he’ll open it in a public space not realizing what it is until too late. I feel flattered when my bf asks for a nude because it makes me feel wanted and attractive. If you never ask she may assume you don’t want them, hence why she doesn’t send them. If you ask a few times she may even get the memo and send them unprompted after.
What she posted on Instagram was likely tasteful and artistic, especially based on what the guidelines are. I’ve done nude photoshoots and gone streaking and generally just been naked. To make something inherently sexual there needs to be intent and context.
Hope yall figure everything out 🙂
What you’re feeling is completely valid specially if there was already a verbal discussion about it. Why did she have no issue putting what I’m assuming was an artful nude in Instagram but she’s not considering sharing any private pictures with her partner? And when the partner had already asked for some? I’m also assuming that she’s sent nudes to partners before.
There’s no way around having this discussion with her as far as I see it but maybe someone more sensible than I will have a better take on it.
Are you comfortable sharing more about whether or not you’re sexting or having phone sex?
Tell he you want a nude? Or don’t. Either way, she’s not a mind-reader.
Personally I’m always hesitant to send nudes out of the blue in case it’s bad timing or send the wrong message. I always appreciated when my partners would ask so I knew they were interested
Idk, you can be liberal and sex positive and still not be okay with your committed, monogamous girlfriend posting a nude on the internet for all to see, BEFORE factoring in she’s never shared one with you. I honestly would consider that a huge breach of trust/fidelity if not a total dealbreaker, but you’re entitled to handle your relationship how you see fit.
Knowing my personality I could not handle this.
I understand the feeling, I’m the type that wants a relationship that has that unexpected spiciness of getting random nudes from my partner when I’m at work, running errands, etc.
I would approach it this way, tell her that you had seen what she posted and have no qualms about that at all, her body her choice and nothing wrong with exhibitionism. You do however would like to be open about kinks you have and see if she would be open to it. Don’t reference ehat she said previously, that will make her feel like she is obligated to send you nudes and/or feel attacked that you’re getting on her for not sending it to you first. Approach it from the angle that you would love getting pics like that because on top of her traits and characteristics, you find her very erotic and seeing that pic online made you really hot. So if that’s something you two can do randomly here and there you would love that.
It brings back that conversation from before but it isn’t outright telling her she needs to send you nudes
I don’t think it’s worth being upset about
Other way to think is – you have to work on yourself and your inner self. You expect others to behave in a way (includes your wife partner), so you can be happy inside . You are trying to control the external world so you can be happy inside . Channeling Michael Singer – you process this uncomfortable event – with no self preference and experience it and be done with it. Never expect anything from anyone. What ever happens be happy inside. Never give others an opportunity to make you happy/sad then you have given too much power to others to control you.
This is what I am learning from my recent in progress divorce experience after 16 years.
You might say something like
“I want to talk to you about something, but I want to preface this with the fact that I know I’m in charge of my own feelings and this is for me to work through. I’m not asking you to fix or change anything. I just need to kind of talk it out. Ok?
I’m ok with you posting whatever you want to post. You are your own person, and I trust you. All of that said, I felt a little hurt and confused when you posted that photo online for everyone to see, but you’ve never really sent nudes to me, your partner. I’m not saying you have to do that. I’m just letting you know it left me with some uncomfortable feelings that I need to work through.
Thank you for letting me talk about this. I appreciate you making me feel safe enough to share these feelings with you.”
Dude. I think you’re mixing up sexy nudes with artistic nudes.
Sexy nudes and artistic nudes may look the same, but they are interpreted and appreciated in different ways.
And OP, You seem to want a sexy picture, so it would be a sexy picture if she sent it to you.
OP…. uhhhh…. have you sent you a nude and hoped for one back? Or just asked her for one?
Send us her insta, so we can rep her for nudity
Honestly this would be instant breakup for me. OP your edit doesn’t make it seem any better either. Actually your edit is almost more red flags than this post
Im so confused by her tactics of obtaining old items
People will have said the exact thing that I’m about to say but write what you’ve put here in her message inbox man. I’ve had a similar situation with my gf whilst we were long distance and it’s completely ok to feel a little put out. It doesn’t have to be a big deal and i would imagine she’d rather you tell her than you feeling bad alone about it
Lol so your gf has never sent you a nude, but she send one to complete strangers… and here you are being civil about it?
I’m all for alternative thinking, but honestly I’m tired listening to men casually use being “liberal” and “open minded” as an excuse for their lack of spine.
Its simple, If your partner shares herself sexually for other men to look at, especially if its in a way that she wont do for you, then its cheating.
Stop acting like a 14 year old and grow a bloody spine and tell her how it effects you!
This is the same advice as so many posts get: communicate. Your partner isn’t a mind reader. I know it is great when a partner does exactly what you want without asking, but the truth is, we aren’t in a romcom and people need to be told what others want.
Try starting with an “I feel _____ when _____. I support you making your own decisions and would never ask you to stop, AND I am struggling a little. Do you think you could help me, perhaps by sharing one with just me that you don’t post?”
The goal is to share your feelings, not the make accusations and make a clear tangible request. If she doesn’t want to do that then ask if she has some ideas to make you feel special.
That is the effect of trying convincing yourself that you are so liberal that you are ok with your partner posting nudes online . In reality no men is ok with that , it is our nature to want loyalty and exclusivity which is symbolized by not showing your naked body to anyone
Isn’t it against the rules of instagram? O.o
Being sex positive and liberal doesn’t mean you’re a doormat
Ahhhh. You must be young.
I remember dating a girl like this in college.
If any woman posts or sends naked photos online or to other people etc. She’ is not the kind of woman you want to be in a committed relationship with.
Even if she says “I’m an artist.” or “I’m my own woman.” that is totally fine and she is completely free to do that. Women are totally free to do whatever they want but at the same time are not free to freedom of consequence of their actions and choices.
“I’m a sex-positive artist” Great! have fun being sex-positive with the kind of guy that dates “sex-positive artists” That is not going to get you or the guy very far in life.
Haha I wonder how that would be for a dude that sends a dick pic to a girl and says “I’m a sex positive artist” and if you have a problem with it you are a sexist pig!
Dude, it’s totally reasonable for you to have this discussion with her.
Looking at some of your other comments, it just seems as though your needs aren’t being met, especially now that you guys are long distance. I also find it weird that she won’t send nudes, but posts them publicly right when you go long distance. What’s up with that?
You are perfectly within reason to discuss this with her. It’s not a “her body her choice” issue. Obviously she can do whatever she wants with her body. The issue is why doesn’t she want to do these things with her SO, and that’s perfectly reasonable to bring up.
Next on OP’s post history,gf has refused to be sexual with me(she knows intimacy is important to me and Im not asexual)and I respected that but a week later went on a bender and amassed a body count higher than Genghis Khan.It feels like I want to have my cake and eat it too,how should I resolve this 🙁
She wants male attention but apparently not from you
She is not your “Partner”, its just your turn, get rid of her.
Play stupid liberal games, win stupid liberal prizes. Sorry but it comes with the territory. Man up.
You say she is an artist. With that information there is a very high propability that she just doesn’t like just snapping a nude of herself and push it to your phone. It’s more like: If she does that, then it also has to cater to her needs as an artist and has to look good. That is not done easily.
That old nude photograph of her meanwhile is something that fullfills her needs and with witch she is comfortable in sharing.
What is her IG?
My friend, i can tell you that any men can see through her bullshit. You’re under the effect of love but never let a woman no matter how beautiful she is disrespect you and your values. If she’s posted a nude of herself without your permission or without think there would be any consequences, it means she has absolutely no respect for you my guy. Dump her, look at yourself in the mirror and start treating yourself like A KING, A LION. Do you think that any TRUE KING is gonna let some peasants look at his woman naked? absolutely not. That being said I hope you are aware of the shit women do to get attention. She doesn’t want you and no one should have to say no to you twice for you to understand. Have dignity, have integrity, be strong and improve yourself. WAKE UP KING!
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