Hi everyone
Apologies if I’m posting in the wrong place or if this topic is inappropriate (or if it’s been discussed before).
I’ve (28F) been with my partner (35M) for 4 years and we are serious about each other, engaged and planning to have children in the next year or so.
My partner is friends with a woman roughly my age. They were colleagues and have been close for a while. I have little interest in being friends with her and have found her to be condescending and dismissive toward me on several occasions. However, I have no problem with my partner being friends with her and accept we will both have friends separate to the relationship who we may not be personally keen on.
Whilst I have no problem with their friendship, I feel she has crossed the line on several occasions. The first time was when she asked my partner – in front of me – to be her plus one at an upcoming wedding. The second issue I have is that, alone and over dinner the other night, she asked him if he would have considered being her sperm donor and raising a child together, before my partner met me.
EDIT: My partner responded with a ‘no’ but only on the basis that he would like to be involved in the child’s life – there was no mention of me. My partner previously had a ‘thing’ for this friend and prior to us getting together asked her out. She turned him down.
Has anyone encountered this before? I feel outraged.
TDLR: Partner’s friend asked him if he had ever considered being her sperm donor, I feel appalled and sidelined.
She turned him down, and wants him now because he’s unavailable. Notice how she’s always suggesting 1 on 1 activities with him? She’s trying to break you up.
There is no fucking way I would ever stay in a relationship with a partner who responded like your partner did
I wouldnt date someone with such friendship.
Thats not common nor normal to ask such a thing.
If something like that happened i would only overcome it if the friendship veased to exist. She is into him and being toxic about it, not mentioning her condescending ways toward tou that he is overlooking again and again.
There is a lot going on here.
She didn’t ask only for a sperm donor, she did offer for your partner, hypothetically, to be in the child’s life and help raise the child. In that regard your partner saying no doesn’t matter, because he would be getting what he wants aka be a child to this imaginary baby.
Also she’s not actually looking for a sperm donor, just trying to push your partner’s boundaries with inappropriate questions?
In cases like this, it’s on your partner to draw the line with people like this and put them in their place. If your partner isn’t doing that, its because he is either too weak to have a spine or he likes the attention.
‘I understand that you’ve been friends with her. But as you can see with action 1 and 2, she has been clearly trying to cross a line. Imagine if the roles were reversed and my friend said something like this to me. I like our relationship and see a future, but as you can imagine I dont like being disrespected like that. I trust in you to take care of it and do the right thing.’
No nagging, fighting, ultimatums- none of that. If anything, you will put the ball in his court and make him responsible to preserve your relationship.
If he still doesn’t put some distance, then there’s your answer
WTF?! She asked him to be her plus + to a wedding?! Then asks him hypotheticals about raising a child together?! Absolutely not. This friendship is weird and you need to tell your fiancé to establish some boundaries.
I don’t think it makes sense to attend a wedding with someone who isn’t your SO. Any wedding he’s allowed to attend but you’re not is probably not the kind of drama anybody is looking for.
Being a sperm donor isn’t always cheating, but it is something you should decide together. The dynamic of having a biological but not familial child can be a hassle. I don’t feel like it’s a good sign at all to ask him but not you.
And it’s incredibly weird and a huge red flag that he didn’t immediately turn down raising a child with her. That’s 100% a call to dump you and have sex with her for the purposes of starting a family, and he’s not telling her to get away? Even if this man hasn’t left you yet, he has a backup plan entirely set up for when he does. You should feel outraged.
It’s like you’re in a relationship triangle. And you are the side character of their relationship… that friend is toxic towards you, and is keeping your partner on a leash. you got yourself involved with weird disrespectful people.
I’m confused you said that she asked him before you and your partner met but then say he didn’t mention you when he declined how could he mention you if he didn’t know you
As long as this woman is in your partner’s life your relationship is doomed to fail because she will do everything in her power to destroy it and he seems unfazed by her actions.
I’d not be in a relationship with a man like this. I have a lot of male friends. I’d never dream of asking any of the married/committed ones to be my date for a wedding and I cannot think of any circumstances under which I’d ask one to be a sperm donor.
She is doing these things because your partner has fuzzy boundaries with her. On some level he’s enjoying the attention and having you two Pick Me Dance for him. Neither of them respect you or your relationship. Throw him back and find a better one.
Why would you put yourself through this. His only response to that should’ve been “No, I’m in a relationship with the woman I love, and I’m honestly offended/grossed out that you would ask me such a hypothetical question.”
If you want to keep up the relationship you should definitely tell him to set some *very* hard boundaries with that friend, cuz all that shit is *not* normal.
They wouldn’t even be my partner anymore
While it does appear that it would be useful for your partner to erect a couple boundaries with this friend, could it be the case that things are less bad than they feel?
Specifically, when your partner turned down the sperm donor concept, he indicated, didn’t he, that he couldn’t co-raise the child? Certainly, that is because he is committed to you; he is building a life with you; and could not possibly involve another woman and other offspring.
These premises may have gone un-elucidated. But to the degree they emotionally informed his decision-making, it sounds like your need is to hear your partner speak up and be heard with specific words to prioritize you. Perhaps you can ask if he would be willing to meet that need, starting immediately.
‘Would have considered before he met me’ … so this is a hypothetical conversation about something in the past that didn’t happen?
Your title makes it sound like this is something she’s actively pursuing right now.
Did your partner ask why she brought the subject up?
Way to bury the lede that your partner’s friend is a recent crush of his that he tried to date right before getting with you.
They’re both the problem. She knows he liked/likes her and enjoys fucking with your relationship for the ego boost. She may even view your bf as a plan B. He still keeps her around, which is the biggest problem of all. She has no allegiance to your relationship, while he does.
I think the bigger question is why are you dating a guy who takes the woman he has unrequited feelings for out on solo dinner dates? That’s so inappropriate! I’d rather run down the 405 free way in LA naked than date a guy who treated me that way. Can you imagine doing that to him? Have some standards!
She basically asked if she could be your Co-wife to him. Of course its a No…
Your partner’s response is far more alarming behavior than the friend’s. Because your partner seems incapable of managing your relationship and his friendship with this person, I think he needs to choose between the two.
The sperm donation question was asked before you were ever in the picture. Can’t really hold that against him or her. If it was a recent request that would be totally different,
Asking him to be a plus one for a wedding knowing you’re together is out of line. When you need a wedding date you don’t ask someone who’s in a relationship.
Info: what did your so say to that? Did he put up boundaries with her?
She asked if, prior to meeting you, he ever considered being her sperm donor? And you consider that inappropriate?
Relax. Your guy has female friends. And asking him what he thought about an issue in their relationship prior to meeting you is not inappropriate.
Look, I’ve been asked to be a donor twice. In each case I said no for various reasons. Both time were prior to me marrying. I’ve told my now wife that I was previously asked and she sort of shrugs it off.
And if I were asked again I would want to discuss it with my wife as well as lay down ground rules for any donation and expectations going forward before committing to an answer.
Messy
This is such a weird relationship b/n the two of them. She turned him down for dating, but now wants him to be her sperm donor? Why? Because she can’t find a man to date and make babies with? She literally had the chance to be with him before you came along and ruined that. I would be so uncomfortable being in a relationship with a man who had this going on. And only said no to her asking because he wanted to be involved with raising the baby?! Time to move on. There is very little respect for you from either of them, and you deserve better.
What is the problem with him being a sperm donor? That’s usually not meant in the traditional sense and is clinical. If he’s got solid legal documents to make sure she can never come after him for support for her child, I just don’t see a problem. Why does it cause such a hostile reaction from you?
Well, what does she mean with the term “sperm donor”? If what she means by the term is the concept of his donating his sperm, conveying that sample to a third party, and having the sperm implanted medically, that’s one thing.
If her true meaning is as a one night stand, that’s a horse of a different color. < :-))>
So what you’re saying is that she asked your partner to be her sperm donor.
And he said “Only if I get to be the child’s dad”?
Walk away from that mess. Sperm Donor by *definition* means you have no say in raising the child. That’s why sperm banks usually maintain anonymity.
So what you’re saying is that she asked your partner to be her sperm donor.
And he said “Only if I get to be the child’s dad”?
Walk away from that mess. Sperm Donor by *definition* means you have no say in raising the child. That’s why sperm banks usually maintain anonymity.
lol she’s used to stringing him along.
she liked the attention before you two got together. now he moved on so she’s doing her worst to get his attention back.
the fact that he responded the way he did suggests that he’s not over her. one can only hope he was dumbfounded by the question and didn’t know how to answer without hurting anyone’s feelings.
either way, i think he needs to leave his friend or you need to leave him.
Friend asked your partner to be her date, and he apparently said no… right?
Friend asked your partner to be her sperm donor, and he said no, because it would
inescapably become an emotional entanglement; as he’d have a natural desire to be
involved with the baby, and thus with the mother –IOW, he said no because,
**he doesn’t want a family with anyone but you, right?**
So far, the only problem is that this Friend is still around.
That’s solidly on your partner. He can’t be so stupid as to have not seen what a toxic
POS his Friend is, from the moment she brazenly tried to get him to accompany her
to a wedding.
Unless the two of you like to play stupid games, making each other jealous (please
understand I have no idea if YOU are up to such shenanigans, because we’re only
getting your side of things), he should have deep-sixed her and all traces of her
from his life, long prior.
Is he going to the wedding?
You have a partner problem. I would never be friends with someone who was condescending and dismissive towards my partner. Yet, your partner seems fine with it. Didn’t he see the inappropriateness of her asking him to be her plus one to a wedding? Did he go? I won’t even go into her asking him to father her child.
I think your partner likes the attention and has a thing for her. You deserve to be with someone who respects you and puts you first. This guy clearly does not.
Devil’s in the details with this one. At a high level, it’s fine for a friend to ask another friend to be a sperm donor.
But the details you laid out… yeah… not good, not acceptable.
That said, I’d be curious to hear his side of the story.
First off, your man shouldn’t be friends with an ass who disrespects you in front of him. Second, she’s a hoe. Third, if you’re in a serious relationship with this guy, you both have to come to terms that some people aren’t meant to be in your lives as you two are one whole. You grow out of friendships and in order to find peace to be with the one you want you have to let go of hoes.. I mean toxic people in your life. Hoes serve no purpose, I mean toxic people serve no purpose in your life except for lessons that need to be learned. Soooo what’s it going to be
Here’s a great example of why the “we can both have friends of the opposite sex” thing is a danger to marriages.
Wait… so partner came home and told you that while they were having dinner she asked him if he would have been a sperm donor before he met you? Is that right?
If that’s the case there are two things that could be going on here. 1) she’s playing the long game and trying to plant the seeds of a future relationship with him or 2) her self-worth is super low and she is looking for a friend, a man specifically, to say something nice to her. “Yeah Spatula, don’t worry you’ll find the right donor, of course I would have before I met the love of my life, Fearless Locksmith, you’re a catch!”
Obviously I’d be more sympathetic to option 2 then option 1.
I’m predicting an update in 4 months where she’s pregnant with his baby that he “donated sperm for”
I would never stay in a relationship with someone who is ok with having kids with another person, by either donating sperm or having sperm donated to them.
Sounds like she played hard to get and you popped up. It’s her fault for playing games, I’d just maybe have a talk with your bf about his boundaries with her. Don’t wanna end up marrying and two years down the line he cheats.