I (20M) got into a relationship with a girl (20F) that id been seeing for a many years as a no-attachments sexual partner, constantly explaining to her that I didnt feel strongly or romantically about her. A few years later and I wanted to try see if I had those feelings and werent aware of them so I half heartedly agreed to an exclusive relationship to test the waters. Immediately she came on really strong with the “I love you” and regularly tries to get me to say it back. I cant bring myself to do it and a few months in now Im acutely aware of the fact that I really dont feel romantically interested in this girl.
The only problem is I feel stuck, its not my business to disclose her private life but she’s told me tiome and time again that im the only real support network she has. She gets along poorly with her family and is banking on getting work and moving out with me to escape it, despite me clearly expressing my disinterest. I want to leave her but her mental health is also so far gone that she zonks out for atleast 12 hours a day on the crazy anti-depressants her docs have her on, I dont want her to deteriorate any further or lose the a support/coping network. I cant motivate her to get a job or to even look, when she’s with me she vapes to the point it makes me ill from 2nd hand ingestion, she wants to do nothing more than smoke all my weed and sleep. The reason I feel so stuck is because I cant help but feel like its not her fault, shes just never been given or shown ways to deal with or process her trauma and I feel so helpless watching like a spectator as she continues to get into fights and drama with her family. I don’t know if I can really help her in any meaningful way and I can’t see myself having a future with this girl. I just dont know what she’ll do or how she’ll cope when I leave.
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Im sorry if this read like it was written by some self-gratifying god-complex douche, I really do believe this girl has an unhealthy over-dependence on me and that she’ll deteriorate if I leave and mess up her emotions even further. Should I wait and try to help her develop a healthier headspace or should I leave now before I get any more involved? Hadn’t been in a relationship ever so I’ve no clue how to approach the breaking up aspect with maturity and appropriate timing
Please kindly break up with her. It’s unfortunate she doesn’t have a strong relationship with her family, but right now you’re beating more than 100% of the mental and emotional load.
Each day you’re with her it will become more difficult to leave. Do you want to be in this same position in 5, 10, or even 20 years? You are young and have most of your life ahead of you.
Your mental, and likely physical, health is suffering. Be kinder to yourself and break it off.
Additionally, if the two of you are sleeping together, you need to stop. Birth control is never 100% effective and you don’t want to have a child with this person. Trust me.
every day you wait it’s only going to get harder. I was going to say talk to her mom but in this case, maybe not. she’s got a doctor and anti depressants so perhaps a therapist but you aren’t responsible for her mental health. you are responsible for your life, mentally and physically… this girl isn’t good for you. stop swallowing poison.
>I really do believe this girl has an unhealthy over-dependence on me and that she’ll deteriorate if I leave and mess up her emotions even further. Should I wait and try to help her develop a healthier headspace or should I leave now before I get any more involved?
Leave now, and learn from this: don’t try to be FWB with someone that wants more. It’s always a shitshow.
Break up with her. She needs professional help (sounds like she is getting some). Youre not a professional. You cant help her in an effective way. You’re not going to save her from herself and as long as you’re in this relationship with her, shes using you as a way to not have to address her mental health crisis fully. Ive had this happen to me before. Its best for the other person if you end it.
Bro, why do you keep putting your peepee inside of her?
Spare her the additional burden of a half-hearted boyfriend. It can’t be helpful for her.
Split the difference, break up but also help. Tell her you’ll be her friend still, but set limits, and require that if she’s going to hang out with you she can’t vape or smoke weed. That if you’re going to hang out, then it has to include discussing plans to get her a job and her own place and how she can get more friends.
I’m sorry to say, If you continue to enable her, she never will get help and deal with her trauma. Her mental health is her responsibility, not yours. If you break up and she is unsafe, call the cops. That would be one way for her to get help. It’s not healthy for you and not helpful for yer for you to drag it out if you don’t have those feelings for her. The longer it goes on, the harder it will be. I’m sorry you are in this situation. You seem like a decent guy who cares, you just aren’t in love with her. I’ve been there. I tried to love him, we just had no chemistry. He was a great guy, just not the one for me. The harder I tried, the more I started to resent him, and that wasn’t fair to him. So I broke his heart. A few years later I heard he was married with kids. So it turned out, but he didn’t think it would at the time.
You are not trapped, you just need to speak up and kindly tell her it isn’t working. There are services that can help her IF she chooses to use them. Sadly, she likely never will as long as she is with you. Again, it her responsibility to take care of her own health, not yours.
you are 20 man. what do you mean by many years. when did you start having sexual relationship?
Perhaps it would help you to consider that it doesn’t sound like you being with her is actually helping her in any significant way.
Stop being g a fucking pussy, focus on yourself you obvs don’t want to be in there, break up with there its easy in the long run, stress free afterwards, you csn fuck whoever you want afterwards.
Break up with her but still be a support. Do it sooner rather than later
Healthier headspaces are tough to come by.
I don’t see what you have to lose by brutal honesty.
You don’t dislike her and want what is best for her, but you also feel trapped, and overly depended on, and you are too young and haven’t lived your life. You would like the relationship over, you don’t want the old relationship where you have sex (I think you need to stop having sex with her immediately), but you want to give her a soft landing. She won’t want to hear this but it is bad tasting medicine she needs to ingest.
Maybe being with her is holding her back. Her mental health is hers to manage, you can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. She deserves a loving, committed partner, and so do you. Stop wasting your time and hers and move on.
Staying with her is actually the worst thing you can do for her. You are enabling her to not fix her life. Stop it and break up with her, so she will be forced to deal with her issues the way they should be dealt with. By her.
You put yourself in the situation, you need to get out of it. Simple as that. You knew she liked you the whole time if you had to keep reminding her that it wasn’t like that.
I’ve made the same mistake. It happens. We’re you g and dumb sometimes. You need to just break things off with her. Don’t let selfish attachments and the fear of loss of the comfort of having her around stop you from doing what’s right.
Because you know what’s right.
It sounds like you should form an exit strategy, BUT, if you think there’s some chance she could have a huge turn around you could maybe try to get her to help you with things. I’ve found restoring someones confidence and competence often starts from making them feel useful and so maybe she would start to understand a relationship is meant to be a two way street, give and take. Right now you’re certainly the only giver and that’s not healthy for either of you.
Get rid of the weed. Don’t fuel her vices.
Can you at least try to make her a pay it forward project for a better life to her and you clearly she need professional help not just the drug prescription type of help she needs to learn tools to help care for herself by a therapist stick around until then.
I’ve been where you are and it’s hard to really understand it but as awful as it sounds, her mental health is not your responsibility. If you are not happy you should not be in the relationship. Also the beginning of your relationship sounds like love bombing.
Staying isn’t helpful to either of you. If you do stay, you’re denying her a chance to be with someone who genuinely wants to be with her and you’re denying yourself the chance to be with someone you genuinely want to be with. Staying won’t help her mental health. Eventually, she’ll notice you’re just going through the motions. Maybe she has already.
Breaking up should be clear and kind. Make it clear that this is a breakup and that’s your final answer, but don’t list everything wrong with her. Just say you don’t want to continue this relationship, or that you’re just not feeling it, or something along those lines. Don’t say anything that implies that the breakup is temporary. People being broken up with often latch onto any hope they can find that the other person might change their mind eventually.
It won’t be easy, and it will hurt no matter how you do it. But the longer you put it off, the longer you’ll both be stuck in a relationship that’s not a good fit.
NO! Staying in a relationship because you want to help someone or because you don’t want to hurt them will only end up making it worse. It’s not working for you, say so. If she wants reasons say what you said in this post. If it damages your friendship or she deteriorates, that’s not on you to fix.
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Edit: Be kind but be direct. She’s allowed to feel her feelings, that doesn’t make you responsible for them.
Her mental health and recovery is not your task; it’s hers. You are not on the earth to “save” her; she has to do that work. You were clear from the start that you were both conveniences for each other, probably stress relievers, and shelters from the storm of early adulthood. Life has changed, especially for you, and she still has work to do. You don’t know if she’ll “deteriorate” or not, so crystal balling the actions of others will not prove useful in deciding what to do. What you do know, now, is that her actions make you very uncomfortable and unwilling to spend more time and effort on her. That means it’s time to kindly and lovingly tell her so.
>The only problem is I feel stuck, its not my business to disclose her private life but she’s told me tiome and time again that im the only real support network she has.
>The reason I feel so stuck is because I cant help but feel like its not her fault, shes just never been given or shown ways to deal with or process her trauma and I feel so helpless watching like a spectator as she continues to get into fights and drama with her family.
Her mental health is not your responsibility. Her family situation is not your problem to solve.
>I really do believe this girl has an unhealthy over-dependence on me and that she’ll deteriorate if I leave and mess up her emotions even further. Should I wait and try to help her develop a healthier headspace or should I leave now before I get any more involved?
How long do you think you could “wait”? If nothing changes and everything stays exactly the same, how long? Three months? Six months? A year? Three years? Five years?
Get out now.
And stop sleeping with her. You do not want a kid with her.
You have no obligation to be her anchor, she will most likely drag you down. You should make it clear that you aren’t interested. If you still feel some sort of responsibility to her you could help her get started on therapy.