My fiancé (30M) was sharing his screen then I (26F) accidentally peeked at his messenger. Saw his first ex’s name.
At the beginning of our relationship, I was okay with him being friends with his exes, especially his last ex which they own a dog together. And I am not the kind of partner who goes through my partner’s stuff. I got cheated on and just found it out because my ex told me.
Anyway, my fiancé and I are in a LDR. One time, on our 3rd month, we went on a trip and his last ex kept calling him, leaving VMs, texting him (he ignored everything) I saw some pictures of her on his phone (also by accident. He told me she asked him to sent them to her. And he forgot) these things made me feel uncomfy tbh. Though I trust my fiancé 100% because he’s just the nicest person on earth. I let this slide.
But after a month, while we were on a video call, his last ex called and I basically waited for an hour for them to finish talking (they were just fighting)–at this point, I told him that I don’t know what I would feel if this ever happens again. He said he’d just block her. My boyfriend is tolerant of these things even if it’s taking a toll on him (super nice guy problems). These instances made me feel uncomfy about his exes, because it’s stressing him out a lot too. I had to ask him why does he even tolerate it?
So his 1st ex of 7 years (manipulative. He was emotionally and physically abused by her. They broke up, she cheated on him and got married 2 months after the break up. This was almost 5 yrs ago) messaged her on Thanksgiving. He told me before that he doesn’t think he can be friends with her (just a casual conversation about past relationships) but while he was sharing his screen, I accidentally saw her name. I told him “Baby I saw something on your messenger with a familiar name by accident.” Then he said “She messaged me on Thanksgiving.” But he didn’t reply. Before this, she also messaged him last September.
I told him that it made me uncomfortable and I know that just by seeing her name, it would bring back a lot of bad memories (I came from an abusive relationship too) And he admitted that it did. I told him, if it affects you negatively, why would you even have to let her message you. He said that he doesn’t want conflicts with people so he doesn’t block people especially when they’ve talked that they won’t be speaking w each other anymore. Told him that manipulative people will just try to reel you back in. He blocked her.
I trust my fiancé 100%. Idk if I am actually doing the right thing or I am being controlling. Need advice.
I don’t see the reason why people are still friends with their exes. When you break up that should be the end of it unless you have children together.
There’s no reason at all for him to not have blocked her all this time. The pictures, constant messaging, calling etc is a red flag. If he truly was annoyed, and if she truly was abusive, he’d have blocked her. It’s been 7 years already, why is he choosing to keep her in his life?
>my fiancé and I are in a LDR. One time, on our 3rd month, we went on a trip and his last ex kept calling him, leaving VMs, texting him (he ignored everything) I saw some pictures of her on his phone
So on the rare occasion that you actually are physically together with your fiancé, his ex blows him up. Do you think it’s more likely that this is how things normally are when you’re not around, or that she blew him up because you were physically together?
>while we were on a video call, his last ex called and I basically waited for an hour for them to finish talking
Hell no. Why would you tolerate this and sit around for an hour? Do you have challenges around your self-esteem? Why would your ‘super nice guy’ boyfriend make arguing with his ex a priority for an hour directly at your expense? This doesn’t add up.
I think this all sounds good from both sides actually. He can’t control if ex’s message, why should he have to go to the trouble of blocking over and over… honestly been there done that, and the option of leaving them on read sends a stronger message imo.
You were right for communicating what you saw and expressing how it made you feel. He was right for being honest about it and telling you how it made him feel.
Y’all sound good to me. Just leave it for now, your man is not sending out warning bells for me at all. He’s not being shady about it, he’s not reciprocating. This is a *her* problem for sure and I feel like he’s limiting if from becoming a *him* problem, I.e feeling guilty or something for blocking. I think you just keep your head up and leave her in the past.
Hope that’s a useful perspective!
His story sounds believable enough, she messaged him and he didn’t reply. If you see it pop up again I would ask to see the messages. For the most part it sounds like he’s distancing himself and separating their friendship in his own time. I think if it did bother you and he refused to stop having these emotional conversations with her that would be a problem but that doesn’t seem to be the issue.
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