Sunday, March 26, 2023
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Should I (21f) give them a reason why I don’t want to see my siblings anymore?

My mom had 9 kids, 5 baby daddies, I was one of the kids that had no ‘full’ siblings, just half siblings. We were raised by her until I was 10, we got removed, custody agreements got changed, all of my siblings lived with their dads, mine was dead and there was no family that could take me so I went to foster care. Parental rights got terminated and I ended up having a less than good experience in foster care. I tried to write to all of my siblings’ dads, begging them to take me in, it didn’t happen and I was aged out of care (I understand I wasn’t their responsibility, but child me thought if they took my siblings, why won’t they take me)

Two years later my sister found me, I met with her and she talked constantly about our siblings, their dads used to get them all together for play groups, good memories she had with them, and I haven’t seen them for nearly 11 years at this point. It was too much, when I left I decided I didn’t want to see any of them again, if any more reached out I wouldn’t respond. I don’t know if I should just ghost the one I have been talking to, tell her I don’t want to talk to her anymore, or give reasons as to why.

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  1. “I’m glad you had a great childhood and grew up with our siblings. Yet since i never had that, I’ll need some time to process this before we continue this sibling relationship. When I’m ready, I’ll reach out.”

  2. Your story breaks my heart… I’m so sorry you went through that. I’d maybe just explain to your sister that your can’t have a relationship with her or your other siblings because it brings up too many painful memories.

  3. You should give her the reason you don’t want to talk to them anymore. As explaining to her that your childhood was much different might let her know that what she was saying was upsetting you. And then wether you block her or not is up to you afterwards, but I would say explaining to her why you might cut her and the rest of them off would be better than just ghosting them.

  4. I’m sorry this happened to you. It sucks they had people to take them in and you didn’t.
    Do you think you might be angry and hurt and maybe somewhat jealous you were left out of being taken in and then their “play dates?”
    If you are, it’s a valid emotion. I hope you think long and hard though before you cut off your siblings. If you choose to cut them off though, family doesn’t always mean blood. You can pick and choose who your family is. I just hope you work through your feelings with someone, maybe a therapist before doing anything rash. I’d hate for you later in life to regret your decision to cut them off. We never know how long anyone will be on this earth, so make sure distancing from the is truly what you want. I sincerely hope your life improves and you live a long happy and healthy life.

  5. I would just tell her you won’t be talking to her anymore and then stop responding/block if she continues to bug you. No need to give any reasons

  6. Your sister has the empathy of a rock. I’d let her know quite frankly. Maybe it’s a wake-up call and she realises how insensitive she’s been.

    “I’m sure you’ll be able to understand that I have a very different view on our upbringing. As you know, I grew up in foster care and when I tried to reach out to any of your fathers I was told I wasn’t wanted around you or them. So while I’m glad that you had a happy childhood, got to spend it with our siblings and their fathers and think of your fathers as good people, I had a very different experience. I’d rather not stay in contact in the future as I feel we’re too different now and our views don’t align anymore.”

  7. OP, there’s no “right” answer to this. You were dealt a really shitty hand of cards. If you have a way to get counseling for yourself, I’d recommend that.

    Your siblings weren’t the cause of your abandonment, however they are connected to deep trauma. You don’t have to do anything, regarding relationships with them. You don’t even really know them.

    At this point, I would advise that you do whatever feels best for your mental health. You may feel differently in time, one way or the other, but don’t burden yourself with feeling obligated to communicate with them if all it does is bring you pain.

    Best of luck – take care of yourself and do what’s best for you.

  8. Wow, I thought for the first few sentences that you were my daughter – She’s an adult now, married with kids. I didn’t know about her until she was 16yo, met when she turned 18, and have a good relationship. She was the first child her mother had, then had eight more, with several different husbands. The kids got split up on several occasions. It’s all heartbreaking stories, and I feel cheated to have missed out on the those first 16 years of her life, and the opportunity to have a hand in rearing her. I have a stepdaughter and another biological daughter, both with a former spouse, both also adults now. They missed out on having a sibling.

    My heart goes out to you. Protect yourself.

  9. I have an older half-brother who I barely know because I haven’t seen him in 20 years (and I’m only 23, so I was a toddler) nor do I remember my time with him. I’ve spent the last 10 years trying to meet him in person but it never would work out, I only have him on some social media. We never talk. He has never given me a reason for staying absent. My sister who is his full sibling has tried to explain it but she also doesn’t understand as she wants a relationship with me. Knowing a reason at least let me know it wasn’t my fault and I learned his feelings were beyond my control.

    I won’t say the one you’ve spoken to deserves the full truth or any amount of it, but giving one of them some information would at least mean if you ever came up, they might get some perspective why this is happening and learn to cope with it better. I was 18 when I found out about why he is never around so I was much more mature about it because I was able to understand that it’s all complicated. I can’t necessarily say your siblings will understand and handle it well. I can’t say the sibling you speak to now will be able to communicate it like my sister did with me.

    I think there is nothing wrong with any option you choose, and you can also wait to give a reason later after you start ghosting them. Do what is easiest for you, and best for you. I will say that you should consider reevaluating if you want a relationship or not in the future, especially if you get an opportunity to be in therapy.

  10. My biggest suggestion would be to move at your own pace. Do not feel obligated to talk to anybody until you feel 100% ready. My boyfriend was also one of many half siblings, there are so many we lost count after 20. He was in foster care until the age of 12, where thankfully he finally got adopted. When I first met my bf he had absolutely no contact with any of his biological siblings and had no interest in speaking with them. Slowly over time, with healing and messages from his youngest sibling (who’s still in foster care), he has opened up communication with some of his siblings. This has brought him immense amounts of joy and healing as he has finally been able to repair the broken relationships he had from his childhood. However, this is also a double edge sword. My boyfriend has learned the hard way that you cannot open up communication to everyone because there are still a few bad eggs. He is very limited with who he chooses to speak to from his biological family, but the ones he does speak to he has a great relationship with. I’m not saying his situation is the same as yours, but there are similarities so hopefully this provides you with some insight. I wish you nothing but healing OP.

  11. I would ask the one why did they not include you and leave you in hell and then expect you to be happy to hear how they all got to be family and have happy fun times while expressly excluding you. I would love to hear those answers if I were you. They’re shit siblings and people and wouldn’t wait for the answer and disown their asses.

    Let them live in the guilt and ask their dad’s why they didn’t help their sister at all. I would go find a real loving and loyal family and leave the trash on the street where they belong.

  12. You have no reason to be angry or hurt with your siblings. They were children themselves. They went to their bio family. It’s understandable the bio fathers only wanted their bio kids. It would have been nice for one of the fathers to take you, but it didn’t happen. You can’t hold that against your siblings.

    I am so sorry you had to go to foster care and that no grandmother or aunt came through to get you.

    But it’s wonderful your sister reached out, and I think you should stay in touch with her, go to therapy to deal with your hurt and pain, then try to keep in touch with the rest of your siblings.

    Judge your siblings on their actions now, not by what their fathers did or didn’t do. This is your last remaining family. Don’t let envy of their lives and comparing your life to theirs keep you away.

  13. I understand not having a normal family and childhood. And i also understand that you couldn’t have a life they had. But none of them were responsible for the situation (atleast not your half siblings and their dad’s).

    You may have lost 11 years of time with them, but now you have your whole life to built it back.

    Take your time to understand and heel, and take it slow. Don’t miss out on having a family if they want to and treat you right.

  14. Aww. So sad.

    Whatever u think would help u heal best. Maybe write a letter explaining everything and then saying u don’t want contact for the time being.

    Just a sucky situation

  15. You need to tell her your side of the story if your both going to have any kind of relationship! She might of had a better upbringing meeting the other siblings but you didn’t and she needs to understand that!

  16. Whatever your decision, make her Calmly and prudently. You seem very hurt about what happened in your childhood, and honestly I think you would be too.As I understand it, your sister wanted to spend time with you and tried to share her childhood memories, obviously her intentions could be different but I personally believe that’s the case.

    I also believe that your siblings didn’t have much choice being separated from you and they are not to blame for their parents not wanting to take you along with them, it’s not exactly their fault that his parents didn’t want to.

    If you feel the pain is more intense around them, this is valid and understandable and no one can blame you for that. For reasons I mentioned in the previous paragraph, I think it would be good to explain why you’re pulling away from them, this conversation can take many directions, including them telling you that they missed you and wished they could have you with them during this time.

    I wish you the best

  17. Honestly you don’t owe anyone anything. Whatever feels the best to you is the right answer. Where your mental health and feelings are concerned you get to prioritize that and decide what feels best to you.

  18. OP, you do not need to give anyone a reason. If you feel like you want to just say “I was abandoned for 11 years. No one would take me in and I suffered in the system. I owe none of you anything.” And leave it at that.

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