Thursday, March 23, 2023
HomeRelationship Advicethe guy (m,26) i’m dating (f,18) got into a huge fight on...

the guy (m,26) i’m dating (f,18) got into a huge fight on first date. how to move forward?

UPDATE: i will NOT be seeing him again. i’ve phoned him and let him know that we cannot pursue anything more, due to his own actions.
thanks to everyone for the advice .

so i (f, 18) met this guy (m26) & i’ll name him ben, for the sake of this post, on plenty of fish.

ben and i would talk back and forward on the phone for about a week before he asked me on a date, which i accepted. we planned to have dinner and see a movie.

ben picked me up and while on our way to the restaurant, there was this guy driving next to us and made it seem like he wanted to race (i’m assuming from the type of car he and ben had, i’m not big on cars but i know they both were sporty type.)

long story short. the other guy beat ben and i laughed. not at ben but bc the mini race was fun. ben must’ve assumed i was laughing at him and from there he treated me rude. i felt like from the beginning he would try to do things to impress me ( like talk about how much money he made, his job, how many girls he dated/slept with… you know things that aren’t appropriate to talk about with a girl you’re trying to get with, but whatever) or he would act very condescending, like he was really overcompensating for something. i brushed it all off.

at dinner as were were leaving to the car and having a conversation, i forgot it’s entirety but i remember him saying something to the affect of “yeah like you wanted to suck that guy’s dick from the road) referring to the guy he raced and lost to. i asked him to take me home because he was being rude and i didn’t want to continue the date.

he got upset about that and shoved me against his car’s passenger door & screamed in my face. told me he was gonna make me feel stupid and embarrassed like i supposedly tried to make him feel.
before leaving me there in the parking lot, he put his hand up my shirt and groped my breasts.

i did feel really stupid afterwards. i requested a lyft and went home. yesterday he texted me happy thanksgiving and asked to see me because he wanted to apologize for his behavior. i met up with him this morning before work. he basically said i made him feel some type of way etc (basically his ego was bruised) i apologized to him for making him feel that way. he said he wants a do over. i agreed but
what can i do to ensure something like this doesn’t happen between us again?

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  1. This is your first date and he got physical with you, sexually assualted you and screamed in your face, why on earth would you want another date??

    You didn’t do anything wrong and shouldn’t have apologised did he even apologise? This all sounds like the beginning of an abusive relationship, the red flags literally screaming in your face. Don’t date this guy but block him.

  2. Please tell me this is a joke.

    If it’s not a joke, this “man” gave you a gift: he showed you what your relationship would look like if you choose to ignore allllll those red flags.

    It doesn’t matter how charming or nice or sweet he was before. It was a lie. He showed you his true self when he assaulted you physically and sexually.

  3. Are you for real?

    He left you in a restaurant parking lot after assaulting you, and you think it makes sense to go on another date with him.

    Just no. You don’t go out with him again. That’s insane.

  4. Girl. He showed you every red flag imaginable on your FIRST date. His behavior will only get worse from here. He is physically and emotionally abusive. He’s got anger issues and he’s immature AF. There is absolutely nothing here for you but heartbreak and physical pain. PLEASE do not see him again, it’s for your own safety.

  5. Do not go out with him again. And block him in every way possible.

    He screamed at you, assaulted you, and you ended up apologizing? No bueno. There’s no way to ensure it won’t happen again.

  6. This is an insane post. Why the hell would you EVER want a second date?

    He says inappropriate things
    He tries to flex about money and cars
    He physically assaulted you
    He shouted in your face
    He sexually assaulted you
    He abandoned u in a car park

    DO NOT GO ON A SECOND DATE! And tell ppl about this incident because I believe he could try and stalk u if u do break it off so you need to make sure ppl are aware of the situation.

    Do NOT go on the second date.

  7. Please do not go on a second date with this guy. If he was that bad on date one, which is when someone should be on their best behaviour, how is he going to be 2 months from now?

  8. 26 is too old for you and this is why he can’t get a date his own age. The guy is a walking red flag and you’re over here wondering how to move forward which speaks to your age and lack of experience. This is why he chose a teenager. You think any adult would experience this BS on DATE ONE and would be okay with it? No it’s 18 year olds pretending to be adult that ignore all the warning signs on night one

  9. Wowww he’s good. He screamed in your face, he sexually assaulted you THEN he gaslit you AND convinced you to apologise first AND talked you into a second date. Girl you’re absolutely MAD if you ever seehim again.
    He’s shown you his true colours and you STILL went back for more. Ffs cut him off now before you end up r@ped, beaten up or dead.

  10. You’re an 18 year old who just met her first narcissist. You ensure it doesn’t happen by not going out with the guy who sexually assaulted you in anger because he got into a goddamn car race and lost and his ego was bruised. He even blamed YOU for his emotional reaction.

    Red flag after red flag. This is the guy who starts hitting you or raping you when you say no to sex in a year what in the hell are you doing seeing him again or giving him another chance?

  11. Stay off of dating sites until you understand what happened on this date and how you should have handled it. If you date closer to your own age, you don’t have to wonder if a person’s action is a generational thing. You are 18. There is no rush.

    I would have filed charges for assault and battery and also reported him to Plenty of Fish.

  12. No, just no. The age difference is a problem here because while not huge, you’re barely an adult. He assaulted you, screamed at you, bragged, raced. The guy is a walking red flag and you apologised to him, meaning you’re already responding well to his manipulation. Just no. Tell him you never want to hear from him again, no explanation because all he’ll do is lie to you some more, block him and move on. The guy is worthless.

  13. There was no “misunderstanding” he showed his true colors. Even though your relationship is technically legal, the age gap is still relevant. There’s a reason he can’t get any women his age. Please walk away from this

  14. Okay so besides the fact he sexually assaulted you, look at this situation in a different light:

    You said you wanted to go home, basically you said no and took away your consenting to the rest of the date, and his response is to scream in your face, assault you, and ditch you all alone with no confirmation you had any way to get home.

    Even if this isn’t “who he truly is” like how you say (it definitely is btw), this is at least a side of him that can and will come out again.

    This isn’t just a “he’s a shitty date” situation, this is a HUGE safety situation. You could file a police report about the SA and then block him and never talk to him again.

    I promise you, there’s people out there who wouldn’t even think about putting a hand on you like that, so go outt and find a good person. This guy and his behavior isn’t worth a chance.

  15. is this guy hot or something? how could you even ask this question in the first place? this answer is beyond obvious. never see him again. also, you really need to learn self respect. maybe see a therapist for that.

  16. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. You go for another date, he’ll do something worse. If physically and sexually assaulting you is how he reacts to you laughing over a silly situation; what will he do the next time he gets mad at you? Beat you? Rape you? I wouldn’t want to find out.

  17. There is no nice way to put this; If you continue a relationship with this person you’re going to end up dead.

    Usually abusers wait a while before putting their hands on you and this man did it THE FIRST DATE because you LAUGHED? No. No no no no no. He is clearly scary and completely unhinged

  18. There’s a reason he’s 26 and going for 18 year olds. It was your first date I would block him immediately, you don’t owe him any explanations. If he’s showing these red flags already I would hate to see what he’s capable of further down the track

  19. Great job! This post hit every red flag in the r/relationship_advice red flag checklist. Well formulated and your execution was impressive. My favorite part was the dangerous cliffhanger where you said you had met up again and setup a second night of adventure! Keep it coming, very exciting stuff

  20. What is wrong with you, OP? This excuse for a human being *literally sexually assaulted you* on your first date, and you a) apologised to him, and b) are seriously considering round 2 with him.

    The appropriate response would be for him to get a visit from the police, not a chance at a second date.

    And honestly, the whole thing was a trainwreck before you even sat down to dinner. Most adults grow out of car races at traffic lights when they’re 17; they’re not still doing it when they’re 26. And even then, his reaction to ‘losing’ was totally unwarranted. Oh, and that’s before we mention his insanely immature attempts to ‘impress’ you.

    Honestly, the guy sounds, at best, like a teenager, and like a complete arsehole. Have you such low expectations of what is reasonable behaviour in a relationship, or how you want to be treated by a partner?

  21. I’m not saying this is fake, cause who the hell knows on Reddit… so if it’s not, I’m pretty sure 1000 other people have said it at this point… why OP? Just why??? There is no second date. End of story. A 26yo guy acts like this on the first date?! There isn’t a second. Good luck to you

  22. Girl, this is so worrying! You’re just a baby! I know being 18 makes you feel super grown up and you feel cool that an older guy likes you, but as someone who’s been through that all not long ago- it’s scary and bad!!! There’s a reason this sexually violent man is interested in an 18 year old and it’s not because he thinks you’re mature for your age or interesting- it’s because you’re young and inexperienced. That’s why he’s reached out to you again because dog how he got away with violating your body. You are not weak for letting it happen, it’s scary and horrible and that situation is fucking horrible to be in- take it from someone who’s been in multiple! This -will- happen again and it might even get worse.
    He got crazy road rage and assaulted you because his ego was bruised! You’re going to be on egg shells the entire time you know this man. Be strong, choose yourself, choose safety, choose a future where you meet a partner who isn’t going to put your mental health in danger and won’t see you as a fun little toy. In 10 years, even less, a year! You’ll thank yourself for doing this. I’m so sorry you went through that. And I am here if you need support. I’m 22, female, and have been through some horrible shit with grown blokes. You do not owe this man anything at all

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  24. Some people on here are saying “what’s wrong w you OP” – I just want to say that there is nothing wrong with you. You are young and still learning. I am glad that you posted here and got the advice to not see him again and ultimately decided not to see him again.

    Again- you are not wrong/insane to not know what to do in this situation. Many young women are not sure what to do in these types of situations especially when they are being gaslit into thinking mens behavior is their fault. Many times women are raised to accept abuse and to take responsibility for others emotions.

  25. You’ve gotten plenty of advice on how to deal with this loser.

    Here’s a different piece of advice: STOP GIVING YOUR HOME ADDRESS TO STRANGERS FROM THE INTERNET! Always, always, always meet your date wherever you’re going until they’ve shown you can trust them enough to know where you live.

    For your sake, I hope when you tell this abusive, rapey jackhole that you don’t want to see him again that he doesn’t show up at your house.

  26. He’s given you a glimpse of the relationship. Verbal, sexual and emotional abuse. And he’s even got you blaming yourself for HIS behavior/anger issues and fragile ego. He’s also shown why he’s interested in someone so young. Women his own age wouldn’t put up with it

  27. I’m going to be straight up.. This is fucked up.. He sexually assaulted you, screamed in your face and potentially put your life in danger by racing that other car. This is after one date!
    He is clearly an abuser and possibly a narcissist. He got you to apologize for his unacceptable behavior and that’s classic traits of a Narcissist.

    No one deserves this and you deserve better!!

  28. What would you say to a friend who is telling you that this same thing happened with a guy and she wants to go out again with him????

    Why are you asking here and not asking your friends and family? Are you afraid of what they would say or are they also bullies?

    You really need therapy to understand why you feel like you owe this guy another chance. You are putting yourself in bad situations and you don’t seem to have common sense or self-respect. It’s very dangerous.

    I also wonder if this guy already had red flags or bad vibes you ignored. Already doing a “race” in a street is dangerous! That’s how people get in accidents and die or kill other people. He is also very old for you; he is 26!!! Eight years older and he could be going after teenagers because women his age run from him, because they have more experience.

  29. What I would recommend is therapy for the events of that night and whatever makes you feel that the behaviour he exhibited is at all excusable. The last thing you need, though, is a second date.

    The person you just described is a predator. The behavior you just described is deserving of legal ramifications. The situation you just described is traumatizing.

    You do not want this for yourself, I promise. It will only get worse. He is not worth it, and you do not deserve this.

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