Sunday, March 26, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceTL/DR-F (35) M/SO (50) Husband cannot elaborate on specific details regarding my...

TL/DR-F (35) M/SO (50) Husband cannot elaborate on specific details regarding my attributes.

This is a new account created to remain anonymous. Please be kind because I am feeling pretty vulnerable and not sure if I am over reacting but I feel the rugs been pulled from under me.

Husband and I are in marriage therapy and we were asked in our homework for today to answer questions about what we like about the other person why we fell in love etc. he has been talking all week about us doing our homework and we just got around to it today and it was so underwhelming and weird after the way he kept stressing all week us doing it which made me feel happy and flattered and that maybe something good was going to unfold. So I am not sure how I feel because in answering the questions he described as his first impression of me is that I was silly and weird, but not like quirky nor buffered with kinder terms. The other answers about why he loved most about me etc were non specific and vague. No elaboration. All boilerplate type answers or he mirrored my exact response if I answered first. Then when asked what could be done to make our marriage feel new and exciting he answered that he didn’t know but he hasn’t felt close to me in awhile. Our therapist had to cancel the session and he seemed very mad, almost like he wanted to hurt me in the session and wasn’t going to get the opportunity.

Also today he saw some of my notes I had written at my desk about my feelings and he read them without my permission. When I confronted him he said it did not matter because they were all just drivel.

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  1. Drivel is a horrible word. It says that the other person thinks that your thoughts are nonsense pointless garbage and not worth listening to. At least that has always been my take on it. Their is massive disrespect towards you.

    You are not overreacting, and I don’t you are feeling vulnerable.

    He isn’t working on your marriage, he is dismissive of your efforts and the work that is being requested as pointless and a waste of his time and efforts.

    He says that “he hasn’t felt close to you” which is blame shifting for it is your fault that you are being distant. He seems to have wanted to continue to blame you and didn’t get the chance.

    I would go see the therapist by yourself and ask for an honest evaluation of the situation.

    Also he set you up by talking about this all week and then nothing. I do wonder what was going on there.

    Sorry you are going through this.

  2. Sounds like he’s over his mid-life crisis now and reality has kicked in. The only attribute that he was interested in when he met you was being a hot piece of ass. He didn’t care that you are different generations that can’t relate to one another. Hopefully he was single, single when he met you and not from being in an affair or rebound from a recent divorce. Because then you never truly got to know each other.

  3. My assumption? He married you cause he needed a wife/mother/bang-maid to take care of him, and you were the most attractive option.

    Could have been you, the barista down the street, or the mail lady. Doesn’t matter who, he just needed a companion, and you were available.

  4. To me, it sounds like he’s feeling insecure about himself- you’re in the prime of your attractiveness & he’s on the wrong side of middle age.

    That’s such a spiteful comment, doubly so when you’re in therapy & supposedly working on improving your relationship that this seems to be the most logical conclusion- instead of being vulnerable and honest with you he’s trying to put you down to make himself feel better.
    I’d do the homework as it was meant to be done but then also call him out on this petty behaviour in front of the therapist so that it can be addressed by a third party.

  5. That sounds like a nightmare therapy session for a struggling relationship. If there is anger, frustration and resentment a homework essay is only going to make things worse.

    Never done therapy, not sure how normal or effective this approach is.

  6. Why would he care to put in any effort? As long as you‘ll still fuck him he doesn‘t care about you. That‘s why he‘s 50 dating a 35 year old.

  7. I’ve been reading the comments and some of their responses and here is my interpretation of your current predicament (because it doesn’t sound like much of a marriage). You bring more to the table but you don’t actually value yourself and your husband takes advantage of this to manipulate you and keep you emotionally invested in trying to preserve this sham of a marriage. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE HERE. You’re young. There is time to find someone who values, respects, and connects with you on all levels. Why are you putting up with this? Why are you allowing this to happen to you? Look at your circumstances logically, without the false idea that you are someone the problem here and realize you deserve BETTER than this.

  8. Ouch. Sending you a hug. So… everybody is different and I (44m) don’t know either of you more than your short description. In some long term relationships… people get resentful and that can turn toxic. It does not always make sense. A lot of the time people get unhappy about work, about getting older, about their social lives, about missed opportunities in life, about money, the coffee filter not being changed etc. Etc. Etc. Too often the most convenient thing to do is mentally blame one’s partner. If we aren’t fulfilled in life… the closest person to us can become an easy target.

    It sounds like your husband is blaming his much younger wife for his own problems. You suspect a manipulative plan to make you look and feel bad in front of the therapist. You should tell your therapist this stuff! You should also have separate sessions and respect each other’s privacy. I’d ask the therapist about that too.

    So I have not had good luck with therapy, but I have found a lot of great stuff online. Check out Esther Perel (in general but especially her tedtalk about “it takes a village”). I liked the podcast “dear sugars” and “savage love” (warning: kink friendly). All of that stuff involves real people talking to experts about their relationships. It’s valuable stuff for anyone struggling.

    Best of luck.

    My advice is to take care of yourself 1st. Invest your time and energy on your career, your education, your hobbies, friends, and your happiness. You can’t make your happiness depend on changing your 50 yr old husband.

  9. Ouch. He sounds like a narcissist and from what you describe I don’t think your husband loves or respects you. Are there any redeeming features to your relationship?

    If your therapist cuts a session short to prevent your husband’s aggressive reaction to you, that is a huge red flag.

  10. I think he is not doing right by you. He put no effort in to the assignment and I think he is looking for a way out and to blame you. Think about yourself and talk to the counselor alone as was suggested earlier and a talk to a divorce attorney just in case.

  11. Easily explainable if he isn’t a) good with words cannot and b) doesn’t usually talk about his feelings, like many men.

    Your assumption about him wanting to hurt you is very strange to say the least. Why jump to such an unusual conclusion?

  12. These are very difficult questions. I would never recommend homework like this, especially to someone who does not express emotions with language.

    Tell your therapist to find different homework that accommodates his style of communication, as well as yours. Or find a new therapist.

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