just for some background info my bf and i have been together for almost 1 year.
today i celebrated his birthday by taking him to a fancy dinner, bowling and buying him a gift. He normally does not celebrate birthdays with family and friends but i wanted his first birthday with me to be special and i think i did a pretty good job! he kept thanking me and had a huge smile on his face the entire time.
but towards the end of the night i couldn’t help but think i wish i had the same effort put in for my birthday as well…
my birthday was last month and he didn’t do anything. we made plans 2 weeks before to celebrate. i just wanted a simple dinner, quality time. but a week before the day, he messages me asking if we can reschedule because he wanted to play basketball in a different city with his friends. i was initially upset and told him but he was really excited to go as he really does love basketball.
he said this was not only to play bb but to clear his mind from things and get away(he was going thru family stuff) he mentioned wed do something when he comes back (he was gone for 1week) but nothing ended up happening.
while he was in Chicago he wished me a happy birthday and said “ i bought u a gift but it wont come in time.sorry, i tried)
ik birthdays arnt big in his family but he knew in advance it was for mine and it really didn’t need to be much even if he got me a cupcake with a candle on it before leaning i would have been happy
maybe i’m being a little sensitive but i couldn’t help but feel like “awe i kinda wish the same effort was put” but i do feel guilty for feeling that way
tl;dr today im celebrating my bfs birthday while also wishing he celebrated mine
First I would like to know what you mean by birthdays aren’t big in his family? Do they not celebrate at all or do they just not care about them? If he grew up with birthdays not being special I think it is worth to remember in this situation, since he would then probably don’t understand how they are very important/know how to celebrate them.
Secondly had you just hinted that you liked your birthday or said that it was important to you? If you hinted then he might not have understood it clearly.
Third and finally you showed him how he should be celebrated on his birthday, after your birthday. If the dates had been reversed then I could understand your feelings much more. If he has never made a big deal out of a birthday he might not know how to and you just showed him. Maybe he will even apologise in a few days for not having done more for you on your birthday. I get why you are feeling like this but just remember that his came after and he therefore did not have a chance to do better on yours. Next year he might go all out because he now understand how you think one should celebrate a partner on their birthday.
I’m sorry but if someone I was dating told me they wanted to reschedule my birthday dinner because they felt like playing basketball that would be an instant breakup for me. You can play basketball any other fucking day of the year, your birthday is ONE day a year. Jesus, that is just so disrespectful.
Honestly? It sounds like you’re not a priority to him. You made plans in advance for your birthday, it’s not like they were a full day affair. You literally just wanted a dinner and to spend some time together. That’s not asking for much at all.
Instead, he goes off to another city for A WEEK to go “play basketball” with his friends. Then he says you’d do something when he gets back, cool. That was a lie. Then he says he got you a gift but it won’t come in time. Whoops, my bad sorry about that. Another lie. Because he never got you a gift in the first place.
I don’t care if birthdays aren’t big in his family or whatever, dude literally didn’t even bother to do the bare minimum for you. Shit, he literally didn’t do anything except send you a Happy Birthday text. He could’ve sent a card, flowers, cake, etc. he couldn’t even be bothered to do that. I know people hate the break up advice but quite frankly, I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who couldn’t even do the bare minimum for me.
You chose to go all out for him after he did nothing for you. Talk to him about wanting some effort put in for your birthday, and remind him in the weeks leading up to it. Did he at least give you that gift he mentioned?
Op, there are many reasons people don’t celebrate their birthdays. It seems in your bfs case it’s because he doesn’t return the emotional investments that others put into birthday celebrations. Probably his family is like this also.
I think if you think this guy is salvageable I’d sit him down and communicate. Tell him your expectations when it comes to holidays and birthdays. And be frank. Don’t cut him any slack but you can compromise. I’d also bring up family events and expectations about that.
You’ve been together for Christmas and Valentines. What happened then??
My answer really depends on that. If he did nothing special or thoughtful for either of those, I’d just end it. You’re not compatible.
If he made those days special then I’d talk to him. Start by asking him how he felt about his own birthday and the effort you put into it. Then tell him that you feel you deserve the same care and consideration on your special day. Does he agree? Anything other than a profuse apology and a promise to make it up to you and do better in the future then end it. If he doesn’t follow through next year then end it.
There are plenty of women out there who are miserable every year when the person who is supposed to love and cherish them more than anyone else make no effort to celebrate their special days. Value yourself more. You deserve it. You know that you will not be happy with a partner who ignores your birthday year after year. Don’t accept someone who won’t do this fairly minor thing for you
is this normal behavior from him? has he been able to go all out for you to make you feel special before? if the answer is no i would seriously consider reevaluating your relationship. if the answer is yes, it could simply be because his family is different than yours. i always have to remind myself that my bf doesn’t know what i want him to do for me until i tell him. i talk for at least a month about holidays and birthdays so he knows how important it is to me. maybe for a future occasion (halloween, xmas) speak with him about how excited you are to celebrate with him. if he doesn’t try to make a special day for you too then that’s fucked.
Some people don’t do birthdays, some people do. Start talking about your birthday atleast from one month before, so he gets a heads up that you are excited and birthdays matter to you. If your birthday came after his birthday, he would have picked up and made yours special too maybe.
Communicate. Tell him you want him to make your birthday special. Maybe even remind him like a couple weeks before your next birthday.
If your 1 year anniversary as a couple is coming up, work together to plan a special celebration so you can train him a little bit in planning this sort of thing.
Is this his first relationship? I don’t see how anyone over 20 thinks it’s ok to skip his girls bday to play basketball and clear his head (lol)
Get a man who treats you like a queen. I won’t lie, your going to have to get through a few jokers (like this one) while you search for the him- but he is out there. I promise. Don’t settle….if it helps you, imagine that your best friend came to you, and said this exact same scenario was happening to her? Would you tell her she was being sensitive? or would you say, fuck that guy, and then throw her a bad ass party?
It’s hard for dudes to do this kind of thing but he shouldn’t have been in another city playing basketball on your birthday.
So I grew up in a family where birthdays weren’t a big deal. We would have one get together party for my birthday which I shared with my brother, two sisters, grandpa and two cousins. Since I’ve been grown I’ve straight up forgot my own birthday and it’s just another day to me really. My ex wife was the opposite and birthdays were a huge deal to her. I always underwhelmed her for her birthday no matter how good I thought I did, it was a disappointment. I just went thru my gf birthday (first one together) and again find myself with someone who cares so much about their birthday. She had a big party and I didn’t go, both because we haven’t been dating long and I haven’t met any of her friends yet and because a party bus sound like my own personal hell lol. I instead a week after made her one of her favorite meals from scratch for dinner and she didn’t say anything but I knew once again it wasn’t enough pretty quickly. It’s hard because I know others take it way more seriously but idk I’m just not wired that way. She is already asking me what she should do for my birthday and I was like maybe we can go out for dinner? She said that wasn’t enough and was lame and wants to do something bigger. I don’t want a big birthday or anyone making a fuss. A nice quiet dinner with her sounds great to me. I wish she would just give me a list of whatever she wants to happen so I could do a good job because my brain doesn’t seem to match up to the expectations of either of these women.
I suggest you cut him some slack and in the future be more clear about your expectations. I know that’s not very romantic to tell him what your birthday should be like, but as someone who suffers from this issue I can say it would be so helpful. I want my partner to have a great birthday but I can’t seem to wrap my head around how to do that right. I also need to communicate that a big birthday party for myself sounds like the worst time to me so my gf doesn’t do like my ex and throw parties I didn’t want for my birthday. So as usual my advice is communicate your needs to each other.
Sounds a little passive aggressive. Dude doesn’t know how to do birthdays, give him a learning curve since it’s the first y’all have celebrated. Doesn’t sound like he has a decent blueprint and y’all are so young still.
Yes, it might hurt, but you have set a new standard. I could understand if it were your birthday AFTER you went all out for his.
Since it’s the first year- probably didn’t know what to do. Almost sounds like you used his birthday as a weapon to show him what YOU wished he did for YOU, which is a tad selfish if you’re kind of resenting him and celebrating HIM in a way you wished he celebrated YOU. He’s not a mind reader. Regardless, happy birthday, hoping you have people in your life who treated you the way you want to be treated, or at least you made your day special to you.
I’d give him a week to step up the way you did, and if he hasn’t come through by then, bring it up with him.
So you want him to see the future?
Uhhm… Errrm… Anyways, Happy birthday to him!
He sounds very immature which is not surprising given that he is only 22. He doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to realize how important BD are to you (since they aren’t important for him). He lack empathy which again isn’t overly surprising for a 22 year old male.
You should learn about love languages. Your love language is being thoughtful with celebrating various events, his might be completely different.
You two are speaking two different languages and aren’t realizing it.
You haven’t been together even a full year , what do you really know about each other. If celebrating your birthday is huge to you, you need to tell him, he can’t read your mind. As far as his deciding to go play basketball with friends indicates he isn’t all in and this. More time and communication needs to happen. You really didn’t need to do the big birthday for him , it was unnecessary and ended make you feel diminished. Slow down
Find someone who is into birthdays?
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