Sunday, March 26, 2023
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told (30f) the guy(35m) i am seeing i don’t want to have Thanksgiving w his family if he’s still swiping on tinder

We’ve been dating, not exclusive, for 3 months. We don’t get to see eachother often and a few hours away from eachother.

We’ve been getting along really well, everything would be great and I’d not have any thought otherwise except I see him updating his tinder almost weekly.

He invited me to Thanksgiving dinner w his family as they always have a big gathering and he knows my family doesn’t celebrate it.

I had a conversation about how I would like to go, but I do not want to if he’s still looking for/sleeping with other women and I mentioned being on tinder specifically.

It was a very quick conversation as it was late and we were tired. He didn’t say yes or no that he would stop using it. But implied he would (which would not be acceptable under normal circumstances but I let it go because of the terrible time I had to bring it up)

I have met his mother once before. She was so sweet and gave me a small gift bag. He told me how excited his mom is that I am coming to Thanksgiving.

BUT, I noticed new photos and new interest tags on his tinder page today. Now I’m not sure what to do.

I don’t like having these conversations over the phone. And we won’t be seeing eachother until Thanksgiving. Also feel a bit more pressure because he told his mom i was coming. Feel almost roped into going. Even tho I know I have the option to not go, and since he’s on tinder why would i care about embarrassing him in front of his family…

I REALLY REALLY do not want to have this conversation over the phone but I also don’t want to get there sit thru a dinner as a fool. Also might be weird to do all of that since he’s going to be driving 4 hour round trip to get me to his part of town.

Should just go ahead and bring it up over the phone before the holiday or wait, go anyway, then bring it up face to face?

Tldr; told the guy I am long distance dating with I didn’t want to do family stuff w him if he’s still actively looking /on tinder. We talked and decided I was coming, his mom is excited. Found he updated his tinder 3 days later.

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  1. I would do it over the phone, you don’t owe anyone anything so don’t worry about hurting his family feelings or feel roped into it. If exclusivity is something you want and he doesn’t, wouldn’t you rather know before spending an entire day with his entire family?

  2. You’re going to have to bring it up again. You can try FaceTime instead of phone of that helps. I think you’re smart to want exclusivity before meeting families and I don’t think you should budge. After 3 months, he should know.

  3. Just because this loser told his mom you’re coming doesn’t mean you have to go.

    Tell him (however you want) you aren’t going because that’s what couples do and you’re not a couple. Do it sooner rather than later and let this one go. Stop entertaining bullshit, otherwise that’s all you’ll get.

  4. You really really should bring this up over the phone as I agree with you 100%. Doing things like going to an SO’s family thanks giving party is exclusive relationship territory.

  5. 3 months is enough time to decide whether or not to be exclusive. Just tell him ASAP that you want to be exclusive and you won’t pretend to be his gf or give him the gf experience without the actual relationship.

  6. It honestly sounds like he invited you more as a FWB and invites friends to events like this, not as an ‘introducing my girlfriend to the family’ thing. The conversation should be less about Thanksgiving and more about if he’s interested in an exclusive relationship, which it sounds like he isn’t, and you are, so probably best to end things.

  7. Forget “not updating your tinder,” I wouldn’t do holidays with someone’s parents unless we were exclusive. There’s no point in getting families involved if he’s not serious.

    Bring it up over the phone, make it clear this is something you expect. And don’t get manipulated into going if he doesn’t respect your boundaries just because “his mother is excited you’re going.” Boy seems to want gf privileges without gf commitment.

  8. >I had a conversation about how I would like to go, but I do not want to if he’s still looking for/sleeping with other women and I mentioned being on tinder specifically.

    You already told him. You don’t need to talk about it again, unless he brings it up.
    You told him you wouldn’t go if, he did if. So…

  9. You can do a video call. Definitely clear this up before you go, or that could end very awkwardly.

    I’d just tell him, “family stuff is for couples. Are we a couple? Time to delete some aps”. If he doesn’t agree, then don’t go. I wouldn’t want to get involved in someone’s family if I wasn’t with them either.

  10. No, no, no. Do not go to Thanksgiving at his mom’s house. Listen, the only person who will have embarrassed him is himself. I don’t care what your relationship is (friend, roommate, classmate, random individual, etc.), you DO NOT tell your mom someone is (definitely) coming to Thanksgiving without clearing it with that person first. Ask if it’s okay? Sure. But that’s it.

    This guy is playing games with you and, in addition to his behavior towards you, involving his family is just sad and juvenile. What you want – what many people want – is a person they are attracted to (in many ways) who is interested, honest, up front, and on the same page. You do not have that with this guy. The tinder stuff is just sad – meaning him. Will he eventually adult? Who knows. But a nice mom is not a consolation prize.

    Tell him over the phone. Think of what you want to say (keep it brief and calm…like you’re looking at random tinder profiles). You’ve made other plans. And if you start to doubt yourself during the conversation, think about how uncomfortable you would be if you went. The only people anyone should voluntarily wade into a situation like that for are family or good friends – and he is neither.

  11. Call him and call him now. There’s no need to continue wondering especially if he is still on tinder. You would even be good to ghost him at this point as he is being sketchy and you already addressed it once.

  12. Phone or video chat is needed if you can’t do it otherwise. I think you should reconsider the way you are asking. Instead of saying if you are still swiping just tell him you want to be exclusive before getting involved in family functions.

  13. Holy smokes this is ridiculous. Just say no and end it with this guy. You are an option for him and he’s just bringing you home to make it look like he’s not a middle aged man dicking around on Tinder to his parents. Why you are bending over backwards to accommodate his lack of real interest in you is baffling. Just tell him you decided not to go. You don’t even need to explain yourself. You are casually dating a guy who has made it clear he is available to others. If it embarrasses him that his mom thinks he has no serious partner that is not your problem, that is just the literal situation he is in.

  14. Here’s what it looks like to me baller8338. You told the guy that you’re dating that you don’t want to do Thanksgiving unless you’re exclusive. He’s not willing to be exclusive, but he’s trying to slide you into showing up at Thanksgiving.

    Its all good as long as you’re OK with him getting you to do something you told him you aren’t comfortable doing.

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