My bf (20M) and I (22F) live together. My bf goes home almost every week and calls his mother every day. My bf and I went out to dinner with his family who was visiting us as they live about an hour away. They had us Uber to the restaurant because they wanted us to ride in his mom’s new car on the way back to our apartment. Once we get there, we see that his aunt and uncle were also there (I had never met them before). We were not told they would be coming. I immediately get accused of being pregnant by his mother because I am not feeling well due to high stress and anxiety. His uncle starts making jokes about us having sex and doing sexual acts. I am clearly uncomfortable. Everyone tells me that he’s just that way and has no filter. Once we get seated at the restaurant, I tell the waitress I’m just going to eat off my boyfriend’s plate since I wasn’t feeling well and had thrown up right before coming to dinner. His mom repeatedly accuses me of being pregnant to my boyfriend and I just sit there awkwardly as he tells her no over and over and to stop. She accused me at least 10 times. Throughout the dinner, my bf’s uncle would make sexual comments about me and kept trying to get me to touch the food provocatively. He made inappropriate comments about my body as well. The entire time this is happening, his mother is laughing at everything he is saying and encouraging it. After dinner we refused to walk around with my bf’s family but they made us go look at his mom’s new car a block away. His uncle kept trying to hold my hand and saying more inappropriate things to me the entire way. Nobody stopped him. Once we get to the car, my bf goes inside it with his dad and brother to try it out. I am left alone with his uncle and mother. His uncle still continues to try to hold my hand, tells my I should’ve touched my food in the provocative way he wanted, pets my hair, and keeps grabbing me on my sides right above my hips. I was scared and kept telling him to stop and was squirming to get away from him. His mother just stood there laughing and telling me that’s just how he is.
Once we finally get back to my room, I have multiple anxiety attacks. I have been SA’ed in the past so all the memories of it started flooding back and I kept thinking that his mother would’ve let that happen to me. His mom ended up texting him the next morning asking how I was doing since I seemed unhappy at the dinner. He told her that I was not okay and that everyone was extremely inappropriate including her. She responded with “well you gf is always sick so i just wanna make sure (HOPE YOU’RE BEING SAFE), you know how your uncle is” and then she asked for my number to “apologize.” She told me her sister invited herself and told me she’s sorry for her sister’s husband but that’s just the way he is. She told me she wanted to do a redo dinner. I responded telling her that I do not feel comfortable doing a redo anytime soon. She never responded.
My bf tells me he cannot distant himself from his mother after the way I was treated because it would damage their relationship and he is too attached. He also refuses to move all the way out of his family house and insists he still needs to visit there on the weekends. I feel incredibly hurt because I am having anxiety attacks every day and nightmares. I honestly don’t know what to do because I’ve tried to talk to him multiple times about how all this affects me. Any advice would be helpful because I feel so lost and helpless right now.
The only thing to do here is leave your BF. He is enabling all of his family’s disgusting behavior and these people will never be out of your life if you are with him.
Your mental health is worth more than this. Please prioritize this.
His uncle is a lunatic. If your BF witnessed this and still refuses to side with you, then he ain’t the one. Drop his ass
Momma’s boys rarely get better. There are at least three people in your relationship and you are the third wheel. You know why his mother is so obsessed with you being pregnant? It’s because a baby is the only thing she can’t give him.
Are you ready for marriage and parenthood with your bf spending every weekend with mommy? You have a baby on Wednesday and he takes off to be with his mommy on Friday, leaving you alone for the weekend? Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
He is not going to change.
He is not long term partner material. He failed the rest. He should stand up for you (it’s his job,) with his family.
Plus he’s a momma ‘s boy.
Your boyfriend is a weirdo and you need to leave him, he should’ve been defending you, he literally abandoned you
You are not safe with these people. Your bf is more worried about upsetting his mother than your physical safety.
No one else is going to make you safe from these people. Only you can decide to do that.
> My bf goes home almost every week and calls his mother every day.
Strike one!
> I immediately get accused of being pregnant by his mother
Strike two!
> His uncle starts making jokes about us having sex and doing sexual acts.
Yer out (of this relationship)!
Guess what the sad truth is? Your bf doesn’t give a single fuck what they did to you. Look at his mom? He isn’t under the impression any of the was bad at all.
Your boyfriend won’t stand up to his family for you. He’s made that very clear. You deserve better.
Stop trying to discuss the situation with your bf. He understands. He chooses to let you feel the way you feel rather than confront his family. Either live with that or leave.
Oh my goodness! I felt bad reading this. Im so sorry this happened to you and that your bf and his mom failed you. You didn’t deserved that!! Honestly if I were you I would leave that relationship because his whole family sounds toxic and he has no back bone to defend you. You deserve a man, who will love you and Protect you. Thats one of the points of finding a partner in life. Best wishes to you!!
Yeah, I had a boyfriend like this once. I thought it would get better. I married him. It didn’t get better, it got worse. I’m not married to him anymore. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it won’t change.
In my instance, the foul uncle that everyone enabled was my husband’s dad. He was a sick fuck that made my life miserable. Everyone said oh, that’s just his way.
Please take care of yourself.
Girl, first of all, i am so sorry you’re going through this. And then, you did nothing wrong, all of his family sound messed up. Actually this “just the way he is” is ridiculous and just a way to excuse doing nothing to stop him. The “way he is” is criminal (don’t know about your country, but in mine this behavior is considered a crime of sh).
I had myself some people in my family who would harass me and say it was normal and “just what relatives do”. As i grew up i stood my ground and refused to visit/talk/hang out with them. And although my parents weren’t happy at first, they eventually got around it. Sometimes they try make me feel guilty, but my conscience is clean: I don’t have to be around people who treat me like that.
As for your bf, it is his family, he can’t stop talking to them just to make you feel better. But, the fact that he himself did nothing to stop this uncle is a little…”get yourself a better man”.
I think you need to distance yourself from your bf.
Also I think you need to take a self defense course or three. You need to learn to shout STOP IT! NO! You also need to know how to knee guys in the balls or whatever it takes. I think part of your anxiety is feeling powerless. But you can be powerful!
Fucking hell… “That’s just how he is” so how he is is a sexual predator. That’s not an excuse.
If your boyfriend isn’t willing to stand up for you then don’t stay with him. You deserve better than that
If your boyfriend is too much of a momma’s boy to stick up for you, you have no future with him. Any man that cared would have stood up for you and not allowed this. Please move on for your own mental health. Be honest about why.
“Your family treated me like garbage, and you let it happen. I cannot be with someone who won’t stand up for me or protect me. Enjoy your family without me.”
Sounds like a family of gaslighters and minimizers. I can’t believe your bf watched his uncle harass you all night and didn’t intervene. That’d be it for me. I’m so sorry that happened to you. You deserve to feel safe, always. If you’re boyfriend doesn’t feel comfortable advocating that you be treated with basic human dignity while you’re around his family, sounds like you’re not compatible.
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In my opinion your boyfriend didn’t protect you from his family and that’s a deal breaker. I would just get out because otherwise those people are gonna be part of your life and he isn’t going to stand up for you.
Among the many red flags with boyfriend, one thing that stands out to me is he got in the new car and left you outside with the uncle after it was obvious how inappropriately the uncle was behaving. A good boyfriend would not do that, he would make sure to at the very least stick by your side to make sure nothing physically happened to you. I get that it’s hard with family, but he also should have done more to stop the things being said too.
I’m gonna give you the perspective of someone whose husband also talks to his mother everyday.
My MIL also did some jokes about me being pregnant in the past. At some point I was done and told my husband about it. Idk what he did but the jokes suddenly stopped after I told him. I didn’t even tell him to do anything, he just understood (he was also quite uncomfortable with them) and did the right thing by his wife.
About the uncle, as a victim of SA myself I feel disgusted your bf did nothing to help you, how could he just let that go? Someone makes sexual advances at you and he’s just ok? I don’t even understand.
You deserve someone better than this. Protect yourself from this family.
Your boyfriend witnessed all this and still left you with the predator. Not only that but he’s the worst kind of mamas boy. Run.
He understands. He will always choose his creepy family over you.
I am sure I am going to get hated on here, and yes, your boyfriend should have stood up and gotten you away from his uncle – but your boyfriend is not your therapist. It seems that you have some serious mental issues that you need to work on with professionals. Having said that, right or wrong, your boyfriend has made it clear that his family comes first so if you think you only deserve second place in someone’s life, you, again, need to seek professional therapy to figure out why you think you don’t deserve to be first. Work on yourself before you get into a relationship. Good luck to you. With appropriate therapy I bet you are going to find out how strong you really are.
No way around it you’ve got to break up and move on. This would be the family you would have to deal with and frankly you are a kid with another kid right now and it’s not appropriate to expect him to disown his mother because he’s not really, that’s his family, and you although his family is gross and in the wrong you can’t win in this. Protect yourself, you’ll have many new boyfriends over the years, this one isn’t even he one.
Your boyfriend did not protect you.
Your boyfriend is more loyal to his mother / family in a way that prevents him from protecting you.
Your boyfriend watched this all happen.
Your boyfriend does not help you feel safe.
As a survivor of SA I could not remain with this person. I have never had a panic attack but if his uncle had touched and stroked me just once I’d feel sick and could NEVER. EVER be around his family again.
Please, save yourself, you have already been re-traumatised and your boyfriend is not mature enough to be in the type of relationship that is healthy and nurturing for you.
You deserve to heal but I fear you can’t do it with this person.
At this point, given how egregiously disrespectful mom & uncle’s behavior was, I think your boyfriend needs to choose between you and his family. Or, to be more precise, he needs to choose between obeying whatever limits you set regarding his family (and I think just about any limit you set would be reasonable) or being single.
Honestly though, the fact that he’s seemingly unsympathetic to the fact that his family’s behavior re-traumatized you is reason enough to dump him, IMO.
I’m so sorry you have to go through that. It’s a really traumatic situation. And the worst part is that your bf didn’t go anything to help you. I think you should leave him to avoid his awful family.
You need to break up with your boyfriend. He’s putting you and is going to continue to put you in a dangerous situations with that uncle. Get away from that family asap. I would stay with a friend or family till I get a new place.
Leave your boyfriend and get away from this family of perverts. Otherwise the triggers to your trauma won’t stop. Unfortunately, his uncle has probably done worse to other females and everyone just laughs it off.
Sounds like he is normal but his family clearly is not. It also sounds like he won’t give up on his family. So you need to decide if you should move on. You can’t be in a relationship that will end up damaging your mental health.
You deserve to be safe and not have to be around people who trigger anxiety attacks from past trauma. You deserve a boyfriend who cares enough about you to make that his top priority. Maybe your boyfriend is selfish and putting his mamma first or maybe he doesn’t really understand what PTSD is like. I suggest you get a therapist who specializes in PTSD to help you work it out. If your boyfriend is willing to put in effort you might be able to save your relationship but you have to put your mental health and healing from trauma first. I am in the same situation as you. My SA happened many years ago and I’m still trying to work through it. My husband just came with me to therapy. The therapist said we have to work as a team to heal the trauma and he has to be onboard with that as our #1 goal. I’m really sorry that happened to you.
You’re going to have to find a new place to live. I’m so sorry you had to go through this experience. I’m assuming there were complications about getting home on your own (while also feeling sick) and maybe that was the reason you didn’t walk out in the middle of dinner, whether or not your boyfriend joined you. Please get away from this boyfriend and his family. This is not a reflection of how he feels about you and it’s not a reflection of your value as a partner. This is his issue around having extremely poor boundaries when it comes to family. This will ***plague you*** until the relationship ends. It will not stop, he will not cut ties with them, he has made his choice and hopes you’ll sick around and put up with it because you love him. *You have to love yourself* ***more*** than you love him and walk away, ASAP.
I’m so sorry there are people like this in the world and that you have to deal with them in such intimate circumstances.
Girl run
If my husband’s family did this to me…. They wouldn’t be physical people any longer.
I can’t believe you call this man your bf. He is just as bad
Runnnnnnn
I would tell him that you will continue to date him on the condition that you never have to be around his family EVER. He probably won’t find that acceptable and you’ll end up breaking up, which frankly is what you need to do.
Leave him. This is absolutely not normal. Any growth your relationship makes in the future will always involve them. Imagine having them as grandparents, forced to let the kids be near them? The fat that your boyfriend was so passive in reaponse. You’re not safe near him or his family. Please end it.
Break up with him and find someone who will stand up for you right then and there. That is such bs.
And why are you still with him? You know he won’t defend you if something more serious happens, right?
My MIL was a piece of work. I put up with years of degrading, humiliating, infuriating treatment from her in the name of keeping peace in the family.
After too many arguments with my husband over it, I finally put my foot down with him. Never stopped him from seeing her, but I was out. Had a few BIL’s tell me I just had to put up with her, that’s just the way she was.
No. No I don’t.
Once I stepped back, I started to see how controlling she really was and how she had abused and trained five grown men to follow her every word. They were all victims and had no idea.
If you stay with bf, you have to distance yourself and not fall into the trap that is his family. Decide on and voice your boundaries – loud and clear. To him and all of them. Do it now. Early on. And don’t put up with their shit.
Be supportive of bf. He will figure it out one day, and he’ll need someone on his side.
If you’re not prepared/feel strong enough to do that, walk away. It is not okay for them to treat you this way. You deserve so much better.
Your bfs allegiance to his mother, over you, even when faced with injustice, WILL NEVER CHANGE.
Leave. Asap.
If you had to write that much about them making you feel like shit, you already know what needs to happen.
Your BF never said a word or stood up for you? You should leave him, family or not assault is assault and if you don’t condemn it, you’re an enabler. I hope you recover from this!