Saturday, May 27, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceUPDATE: Boyfriend seems to actively discourage me trying to be healthier

UPDATE: Boyfriend seems to actively discourage me trying to be healthier

I posted about this a few days ago about me (24F) and bf (37M) [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/x3p8b2/boyfriend_seems_to_actively_discourage_me_trying/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf).

First of all, thanks everyone for your comments and advice. I really appreciate all the responses.

After reading a bunch of comments that mostly revolved around him trying to keep me unhealthy and overweight so that I’d always be insecure, and a few people suggesting he liked the extra flesh on me or has a feeder fetish (I had no idea something like this exists till I read it here), I decided to have an outright confrontation (again).

At first, he -as usual- tried to laugh it off and said I’m taking myself too seriously but then I broke down and begged him to clarify things while I was in tears, cuz my medication has led to me gaining a lot of weight but I finally have the motivation to do something about it. After a couple of hours of me crying and reiterating all of this plus my mental health issues that are worsening due to this, he finally told the truth.

It’s something I was dreading. He accepted that he has always been fascinated with feederism but never tried it out with any of his exes cuz they’ve always been athletic and thought it would be harmless with me cuz I’m already overweight. I was stunned and heartbroken. I’m not the one to kinkshame but this honestly does seem like something unethical and abusive. If not the fetish in itself, then definitely his approach to it.

I completely lost it and yelled at him that how could he even think about doing something like this without me consenting or even knowing about it. He kept on insisting that I look better with the weight and that he wasn’t open about it cuz I’d react exactly like how I’m reacting now. He also said he wouldn’t be as attracted to me as he is now if I became slimmer.

I was speechless after a point. He thinks I’m overreacting.

He’s asleep right now but I’m reconsidering this whole relationship. I definitely need a break, if not a break up. I’ve decided I’m going to ask him to stay at his own apartment while I think things through.

I’m disgusted and so so hurt.

EDIT: I really appreciate all the comments here, and I am going to have a talk with him first thing today and put an end to things. It’s causing me a lot of pain to dump him tbh cuz I do love him but what he did is so cruel. Thank you again for all the advice, I’m reading all the comments and they’re all super helpful and something I really really need right now.

EDIT-2: Most of you are being really kind here but those of you who are messaging me, asking me things like if I’m stupid or if I have any self-respect, are you fr? Also, don’t expect any replies whatsoever, I’ve enough emotional trauma going on without having to entertain your cruelty.



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46 COMMENTS

  1. *he kept insisting I look better with the weight and that he wasn’t open about it cuz I’d react exactly like how I’m reacting now*

    He just fully admitted he doesn’t care about you or what you want. You exist as a fetish for him and now he’s pissy because your desires aren’t aligning with what HE wants.

    Dump him immediately

  2. Let me be clear – this kind of behaviour is frowned upon even in the feederism fetish community. Why? Because he did it *without your consent*

    He abused your body without you knowing all to fulfill his fetish. That’s selfish in the extreme, to say the least.

    You can do better than him. Better than this. You want to lose weight and be healthy – do exactly that. Drop him and focus on you. You deserve it <3

  3. The feederism is a red herring.

    At its core, the issue is this: this guy never revealed his true motive. He lied (by omission, at a minimum) and then actively sought to derail your perfectly healthy progress for his own selfish needs.

    I mean, his motivation isn’t the point. The point is that this guy is massively selfish and manipulative, to the point where his sexual gratification trumps your desire and active movement towards a healthy life.

    This guy is completely incapable of a healthy relationship with open and honest communication. He’s got to go, period. Full stop.

  4. He non consensually involved you in a kink that can have long term affects on your physical health when he knew you were trying to achieve the opposite, and when you called him out for it he said he didn’t tell you because he knew you wouldn’t like it? He’s prioritising his kink over your comfort, consent and health. You’re not kink shaming, you’re shaming him in how he went about it- non consensually.

  5. Yes the age matters. To say it doesn’t is just one massive gaslight for creepos to justify it and not except that they’re aging, with some exceptions. Cool he’s napping while you’re so upset, how caring. I’m probably just going to advise what other have, and that’s to get out. Find someone who’s not so mentally unstable. To even consider to do this is one thing, but actively sabotaging you, to think he’s entitled to that level of control over another person, and at his age. No. Just no. He’s only out for himself and clearly can’t be trusted.

  6. I’m not surprised that a man dating someone more than 10 years younger is acting this way.

    You should break up for good. He’s trying to double talk you and make your concerns seem like “technicalities.”

  7. Omg break up with him. He basically admitted that the needs of getting his dick hard takes precedence over your health and well being. To him, you exist for his sexual pleasure. He’s trash, get rid of him.

  8. Please get and stay away from this AH. He’s gaslighting you saying he put you in his kink without his consent is normal and not a big deal is absolutely abuse and is unhealthy.

    Consider therapy to undo what he has done

  9. I am not at all surprised that a man in his late 30s dating a woman in her early 20s would further abuse such an imbalanced relationship by manipulating and violating you like this.

    It’s great and healthy that you still have your own place and aren’t reliant on him. I wish you strength in leaving him.

  10. Don’t know if you’ll see this..
    but he’s 37 – passed a certain age, people don’t want to change.

    You are incredibly young, if you become healthier he knows you’ll find better matches than him…

    He’s just trying to keep you for himself, because he’s probably had a lot of trouble finding someone.. i don’t think he has a fetichism with food, i think it’s more so to make you undesirable to others. Unfortunately, we still in a time where non-slim people have a hard time dating, so he’s probably learned that early on in life.. and made this his “kink”.. but it’s pure selfishness

  11. He knows you’re not overreacting. He is not going to get better, he will always objectify you. His fetish might actually involve sneakily making you gain weight, and he might even get off to you being upset/frustrated about the weight gain/inability to lose. Take it from someone who has this fetish, it does not go away.

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  13. OP I saw your update and I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself and making the decision to leave him packing. You have the right to both mourn the relationship and be proud that you stood up for yourself. This a big step in getting healthy both mentally and physically.

  14. GIRL KINKS ARE ONLY KINKS WHEN BOTH PARTIES CONSENT
    YOU DID CONSENT. HE CLEARLY DOES NOT RESPECT YOU AND EVEN SEES YOU AS A PERSON BUT MORE LIKE AN OBJECT TO EXPLORE THIS KINK OF HIS
    DUMP HIM RN!
    (sorry for the caps, actually not sorry cuz this really made me as mad as it made you)

  15. You are not kink shaming.

    I’m submissive sexually, but I wouldn’t put a collar on, gag myself and tie myself to a partners bed without talking to them about it first.

    He didn’t give you the chance to learn about it first. He didn’t respect you to make your own choices. He is in the wrong here. What if his sneaky feeder tendencies resulted in you getting seriously unwell or anxious again. This isn’t okay, please keep yourself safe: your partner isn’t going to do it.

    Good luck.

  16. A 37 year old man is abusing a young 20-something? Color me surprised.

    OP, dump him, work on yourself, and don’t allow yourself to fall into this trap in the future.

  17. Ahhhh! When you said “He is asleep right now”, I thought for sure you were going to say that you packed up everything to get the heck away from him.

    Tell him to go home and spend sometime with yourself, getting healthy, talking to friends and putting him into perspective. If he is literally trying to make you unhealthy then he is just like all the other things that make you unhealthy and he has to go away or be with you in strict moderation.

    I am in that boat of not spending a lot of time with a BF because he f’ed up and I can’t handle him right now. I am busy with school and he upsets me so much that I have to keep him at arms length. I know he might get sick of it and break up with me, in that case oh well at least I am healthy.

    And also… Byeeeee

  18. Please please dump him immediately. What he did was disgusting and emotional abuse. I would say it’s bordering on physical because he was trying to get you to eat. Not only that, he told you you’re overreacting. That is gaslighting 101. You deserve better.

  19. The fact that he subtly manipulated you into his fetish without ever being up front honest and getting your consent tells you every thing you need to know in regards to his respect of you. That, and him caring more about his own selfish need to satisfy his fetish than he does for your health and well being. Although overweight ppl are lovely, an unhealthy weight carries serious health risks that include type 2 diabetes, fatty liver disease, etc. A partner worth keeping is one who supports and works with you achieving your goals, rather than making themselves a stumbling block and sabotaging your efforts.

  20. I’m glad your dumping him. It’s is NEVER okay to engage someone in a kink/fetish without their specific consent. It is unethical. It’s is abusive. And it’s disgusting.

  21. ***NO NO NO***

    > I really appreciate all the comments here, and I am going to have a talk with him first thing today and put an end to things. It’s causing me a lot of pain to dump him tbh cuz I do love him but what he did is so cruel.

    GET SOMEONE THERE WITH YOU – A FRIEND OR COUSIN OR BROTHER OR SOMEONE!!!

    This is the most dangerous time! When you leave someone you know is cruel you need someone there for support to keep them from going nuts and hurting you.

    Do not do this at home alone with him!

  22. It’s not kinkshaming when what you have issues with is not being informed of the kink while you were unintentionally participating in it.

    You’re not grossed out by the *kink* itself, you’re disgusted by the fact that this person you loved and trusted decided to play guinea pig with you and test his new kink out on you without letting you consent first.

  23. I was one of the people to [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/x3p8b2/boyfriend_seems_to_actively_discourage_me_trying/imslgvt?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) that I thought he may have a feeder fetish. I’m so sorry that I was right OP. Though, I’m glad that I could help make you aware.

    I wish you all the best luck moving forward both with the relationship (where ever that ends up) and the weight management journey.

  24. You’re 100% right, what he did was not only cruel and selfish, but more importantly (in my opinion) he did it without your consent or even your knowledge of his true intentions. Either he never even considered how damaging his actions could be to your mental and physical health or he decided he cared more about his sexual satisfaction than you, your health or your happiness. If he really loved you and had your best interests at heart he would do everything he could to help support you in achieving your goals, especially when your literal health and happiness are at stake. I hope you see this as the massive, deal breaking red flag that it is and leave his ass immediately. He has very clearly demonstrated that he is willing to not just disregard something so important as your physical health but to actively, intentionally and repeatedly lie to you, trick and manipulate you into fulfilling his unhealthy fantasy. All while denying any malicious intentions and gaslighting you when confronted. It took hours if you crying and literally begging for him to finally tell you the truth and instead of being ashamed and apologizing profusely, he tried to justify his abusive actions with selfish, inadequate excuses while dismissing your feelings as an over reaction. He clearly see nothing wrong with how he treated you, hurt you, betrayed your trust in him or how he disrespected your right to consent to a sexual fantasy of his. He has shown you the kind of person he is; believe him.

  25. If ever you change yourself in any way, do it because YOU want to. Regardless of whether it’s colouring your hair, to working your arse off (in some cases literally) in the gym, to surgical enhancement. For him to do this, if it were me, the relationship is over. Someone that loves you wouldn’t do this. What he did was wrong on so many levels.

  26. Fetishes don’t go away and he has shown that he doesn’t care about your health or your needs (the fetish isn’t the issue, obviously, I just meant if this is how he handles things with HIS fetishes, there’s something really wrong with him).
    There are those who would love their partner no matter what and put their health first in every scenario. But then there are those who only care to (pardon the turn of phrase) feed their sexual appetite regardless of the person’s health and personal wants.
    This isn’t salvageable because your needs and wants aren’t his priority. His sexual desires are.

  27. I think that I listened to Dan Savage make a nice observation about it once: you can find a compromise and enjoy the feeding fetish ethically by toning it down in scope, (not fattening your partner up like a goose) and putting the health of your partner first, (duh).
    So maybe concentrating on the feeding part with big dinners/occasional “feasts” and balancing it out with roleplay, imagination and a sensible diet and exercise regime.

    Your partner taking advantage of you by feeding you on the sly and manipulating you into his desired behaviour is unethical on so many different levels it’s abhorrent.
    I usually advocate for people to talk and try to sort things out and figure out if there is compromise or a way forward, in this case, after being used and abused by someone who should care about you, I really hope you tell him to fuck off.

  28. I remember the original post, and I did thought about that kink thing. Nobody should ever force a kink without the knowledge or consent of the other person, you really shouldn’t stay with him he is abusive and only looking out for himself.

  29. Leave, as everyone already said; he did this without your consent. I get that he was ashamed of it but that doesn’t make his actions okey. You had to cry for several hours for him to come clean, i bet the manipulation got him off too. You go make healthier choices and work on the binge eating without him sabotaging you :))

  30. A lot of people waiver and don’t leave abusive relationships. Please don’t be one of those. You deserve – and are responsible for achieving – a happy life. Good luck!

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