Saturday, April 1, 2023
HomeRelationship Advice I (30m) rejected one of my best friends (28f) that I...

[UPDATE] I (30m) rejected one of my best friends (28f) that I used to be in love with

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I (30M) rejected one of my best friends (28F) I used to be in love with from relationship_advice

Had some people messaging me asking for an update that I’ve mostly ignored but I wanted to provide an update today.

I had brunch with my sister the day after the first thread went up. I actually showed her the thread and she spent half of our meal reading through it. She actually agreed it’s not her place to butt in and apologized about making this situation more difficult for me. She said she’s gonna be on my side and I can count on her going forward. She also actually agreed with a lot of the posts that I should probably take a clean break or at the very least some serious distance between Jean and myself. So that’s what I’ve been doing, until last night.

Went to a party in Brooklyn last night for a friend’s birthday and took an Uber back home to lower Manhattan. Around midnight my front desk calls asking if they should let a Jean up, I’m confused and say yes. She comes up and she’s looking much happier and healthier than I’ve seen her in months. She hugs me and said she misses me and if we can just talk and hangout. Said she saw me in the party earlier that night on Instagram and our mutual friend that was there said I left early so she came over. I’ve been drinking so I guess it’s less awkward so we just start talking like old times about what we’ve been up to the last week and everything crazy that’s going on in the world over some beers. We’re in my godforsaken tiny kitchen again and she kisses me. I don’t stop her this time and she ended up spending the night.

Waking up this morning, I didn’t and still don’t know what to think. Left while she was still sleeping to pick up some coffee. When I’m back I hear the shower so I sit on the bed and wait for her with the coffee. When she got out she realized I wanted to talk about last night so she asked if she could talk first. She said she knows I’m confused, knows how it feels like I’m her back up, knows how it feels like I’m the rebound, but none of that is true and she loves me and wants to do whatever necessary to prove it and make it work. I told her I’m feeling confused about the situation and don’t feel the same type of love for her that she thinks she feels for me. She started crying and asking if she can do anything to prove it to me so I told her I think it’s best if we take some time apart to do our own thing and let all these high emotions settle down. And if necessary we can pick up this discussion with a cooler heads and maybe even become friends again. She cried some more and agreed. Left a few hours ago and I’m still feeling kind of shell shocked over the whole thing and have been just pacing around my apt. I think I made the right decision about taking a clean break for now.

Anyways, I appreciate all the great advice last time so thanks you guys.

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  1. Just my 2 cents when someone says they aren’t interested my brain usually just shuts them off as an option. It’s fairly natural for me. I think it’s a very healthy way to be. You did this and did everything right to stay a good friend and not some asshole nice guy stuck in the friend zone. I both commend you on that and think it gives you a perfect tool to explain it to her.

    Since you once had to shut all your feelings off and reshape how you saw her. Asking the exact same thing of her now is both fair and intelligent. It is now her job to not be a creeper and to simply be glad to have you as a friend.

    Now on a sidenote, if you both do know the other is an option and as real friends redevelop those feelings later that is awesome. Falling in love with a great friend is almost always amazing. However, it can’t ever be one sided at the start or it will always stay that way. So asking her to back off of that and prove she can still be a good friend with the roles reversed is the only logical path she should have to what she may potentially want.

  2. >She said she knows I’m confused, knows how it feels like I’m her back up, knows how it feels like I’m the rebound

    She can honestly believe this to be the case, and yet, you were the second pick, and she is on the rebound. Facts are facts, regardless of her desire for them not to be so. If I were hard edged I would imagine that her abuse in the previous relationship has taught her to settle for a more comforting person that doesn’t ring every bell in her steeple but is safe. You.

    >She started crying and asking if she can do anything to prove it to me

    She’s failing to see that this is not about you disputing how the *thinks* she feels about you, this is about how you feel about her. She seems to be still under the impression that you were hanging around waiting for her and she just has to prove herself. She doesn’t understand that her first refusal of you made you rewire yourself out of your infatuation with her. She’s just not getting it.

    You did good, you stood by your impression of your feelings as you see them and maintained your integrity, who can do more? You may be mistaken, it may be that you still have the capacity to feel for her like she thinks she feels for you, but what does “may be” have to do with anything, act on what you believe to be the case.

  3. Well done. When I read you slept together my heart sank for you because so many people would just…start their relationship from that point and you did exactly the right thing by putting some distance between you.

    I find it a little sinister that she came to your house, knowing that you had been drinking and initiated something you had already told her, sober, you didn’t really want. If I were you, I would feel tricked and a bit used.

    As someone else has suggested, if the genders were reversed, this would likely be classified as coercive assault.

    While she may be doing better now, her initial “I see you as a friend” is likely the truth and she is still looking for safety after an abusive relationship.

  4. Honestly, sounds like Jean is wanting stability right now. She sees you with a good gob, a nice guy, who used to love her and thinks you will be the stable boyfriend she wants/needs.

    You need to distance yourself asap. No more letting her come over unannounced, no more being alone, no more mixed messages.

    She needs to deal with her breakup and process any and all abuse before getting j to another relationship.

  5. Listen man she’s giving off creepy vibes and is trying to coerce you with intimacy knowing full well how you feel about her now. Don’t listen to comments trying to paint you in a bad light for sleeping with her when she showed up at your place unannounced knowing you were already buzzed. That’s some calculated stuff right there. She can try to convince herself you’ll come around eventually but that’s not taking your feelings into consideration and is just plain wrong. There’s a reason you feel so shell shocked as her actions are baffling at best.

    Don’t be alone together going forward for both your sakes she needs to heal from her previous relationship and you need to protect yourself.

  6. She can say what ever she wants, but the truth is you were her second choice. She thought that you would just be there waiting for her. I would be absolutely insulted by that if I were you. I wouldn’t stay friends with her.

  7. New update: “She came to me with the news that she is pregnant with my child”. Sleeping with her was a big mistake, she sounds like she’s obsessed with you and gives off stalker vibes. Good luck trying to get rid of her.

  8. It may be time to end the friendship, she’s not getting it. This isn’t a second chance, she had one chance and said no. Then 2 months later started dating LD, and you moved on. Her turn to move on now, she’s not your burden to carry.

  9. You did good for yourself and for her. Relationships that had a rocky beginning are always hard to make it work. It’s better for y’all to find new people and have a fresh start with them.

  10. You’re being really naive

    Yes your sister probably showed her the post

    Actions and words are different; you are her second choice and her rebound

    You’re being manipulated by your sister and Jane

    I don’t really get what you want in terms of advice? What exactly are you looking for? A push to give her a chance? How to tell her you’re not into her and you have more self respect than that? Hit and quit?

  11. Your sister probably mentioned how you think of her, that you see her picking you as the second choice. She purposely waited for an opportunity that you would be manipulated and she struct. She had been stalking you on social media and knows how you are thinking now. She is absolutely using you as a backup option and it is bugging her that yoh aren’t accepting it. Especially after having sex with her

  12. Remember OP. if dhe shows uo saying she’s pregnant after this one night stand DO NIT immediately jump into a relationship with her and DEMAND to see both the pregnancy test and a DNA test. Also absolutely DO NOT sleep with her Raw even if she says she’s pregnant it doesn’t matter or shes on BC. She’s already exhibited stalkerish manipulative behavior by tracking you when you left a party knowing you were drunk specifically so she could hook up with you baby manipulation to force a connection is not out of yhe realm of possibility.

  13. Comments in here are kind of gross. You made it perfectly clear how you feel. By the sound of it, multiple times through multiple avenues.

    How convenient that she came over when she knew you had been drinking, and that’s when she chose to make a move again. If you were the women in that situation, more people would be making the really obvious point… she was essentially trying to take advantage of you and use your impaired state as an in.

    Even if you weren’t too impaired to consent, she still specifically chose a night where she knew you’d been drinking to come over basically in the middle of the night and make a move despite very obviously having been told how you feel. That’s disgusting behavior for someone who claims to be a friend, claims to care about you, and wants a relationship.

    You’re not “sending bf signals”. You are not responsible for leading her on, as others are saying, when you made it perfectly clear how you felt and she went out of her way to come see you when she knew your decision making might be impaired.

  14. Well that was stupid. You want to distance yourself from her, you dont have those kinds of feelings for her, so you fuck her to get your point across. Smooth move.

  15. I remember your first post, and honestly I don’t really blame you. You don’t feel for her. But I might stop giving her hope? By saying ‘give it time’ she’s seems to be hanging on to the ‘maybe/possibility’ of it all and it seems pretty clear you don’t/won’t feel that same way which is perfectly fine. It doesn’t have to be harsh, just direct.

    Unless there is hope? Idk, I read your tone as hard no but I could be wrong lol

  16. You two need space from each other, and she needs to respect that. This sounds almost like a case of right-person-wrong-time.

    You *are* a rebound, and she is a mess. An abusive relationship on the scale she went through is not something easily skipped over. So she’s hunting for safety, in all the wrong ways, believing you’ll be the savior to her victimized abused self. She *needs* therapy for her trauma and you may want to look into it too, for self reflection and to make sense of what you’re actually feeling.

  17. This is really bothering me… you should have set a boundary between you guys long ago and not allowed any situation where you can confuse/lead her on.

    Her coming over late at night was clearly more intimate than someone in your specific situation should have allowed. And I wouldn’t be so certain about her not stalking you. It seems like she’s becoming obsessive and you’re close to becoming the a**hole if you allow her to continue to be in your life with any sort of idea that there’s a possibility you two might end up together. You may be stroking the flames of this idea she has of you ending up together while you don’t truly intend to follow through. And it seems like she’s not mature enough to be in a relationship seeing how she’s handled this rejection and the previous situation between you guys. She had a chance to have you and you were not her first choice. But now that she’s back offering you the chance after previously rejecting you, shes seemingly insulted and becoming obsessive over you and the fact that you don’t want her anymore. Or so you’ve said. Drunk or not, you’re a grown adult and you need to own up to your actions. Sleeping with her was a shitty move on all ends. I’ll leave you with some very wise parting advice.

    Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Figure out if you actually want to pursue a relationship with her. If you don’t figure it out now, you may look back 20+ years in the future on past decades of being with the wrong person because you couldn’t set boundaries and you went with the flow. Or you may have built a relationship on mistrust and resentment that could’ve blossomed into something if you allowed wounds to heal. If you do end up wanting a relationship with her, then stop treating her like this, learn to let go over your anger at being 2nd best to her and allow the relationship to move forward with a clean slate free of resentment. You owe it to both of you to honest and allow you both to be happy. Once again, if you don’t feel for her, no one can force you to. But figure it out so you’re not hurting other people unnecessarily and making it harder in the process.

    Edit for spelling and a small sentence here and there.

  18. ESH.

    The girl is very wrong. As another person said, she is not listening to you and thinks she can end up with you. She also probably is not in love with you and just wants a safe option after the abuse.

    But OP, for god’s sake, what the hell are you doing spending the night with her?

  19. I know she’s pushing you into something you feel like you don’t want. But you also slept with her. Pick a lane – are you protecting your heart from her changing her mind or her realizing she’s not ready for something serious? Or are you honestly not into her romantically?

    Because you keep saying that you are only interest when someone shows ‘golden retriever’ excitement. She sounds like she’s bending over backwards to show you she’s interested. She’s a close friend and you’re clearly attracted to her. You need time away from her to sort through your feelings and figure out what you want. If it’s not going to be romantic, STOP KISSING HER. That’s unfair to her in so many ways.

  20. Good news about your sister – though it reads like she probably passed along some Intel here.

    You kinda strung this girl along. You know what she wants and that you don’t want that. Know how you shut that down? Probably not by sleeping with her, letting her stay the night and then going out to buy her breakfast….

    Stop sending bf signals ASAP or this will get messy for you and hurt her even more.

  21. You’ve mentioned a couple times that you don’t like that you lose interest in people if they don’t show interest in you. I want to say ***that’s a very healthy mindset!***

    That’s a good thing!

  22. You most def are a bandaid, rebound and is settling for you, dont fall for that crap. As soon as lawyer dude 2.0 comes in, she’s going for that.

    Maybe in time, she can show you that her maybe love os real and you can eventually pick from that..if you feel that. Lile you said, why start relationship if you dont really feel that.

  23. You had it right the first time but I mean dude letting her come in and sleeping with her? You’re kind of a dick for that. Stop stringing her along to make yourself feel better. Whether you want to admit it or not, you enjoy the attention she’s giving you. Stick to what you say because this isn’t all just on her.

  24. I don’t think what you’re doing is some form of payback at all. I think for myself I was rejected in a similar way and within a month the girl I liked started a relationship with a friend of mine. That really just killed all feelings I had for her at that point in time. I just moved on with my life. I never had your situation here when she came back in my life, but I can tell you I would have shut her down before she even got close to me had she tried. It’s no revenge nor is it some sense of justice. It’s just that your feelings for her have changed and you can’t force yourself to have feelings you don’t have. If she feels it’s because of what she did then that is something she needs to learn to deal with. Sounds in all seriousness the reason she is thinking the way she is due to the fact she probably feels guilt for going with the other guy and not giving you a chance. Thats something she will have to figure out and resolve in her own mind. You did the right thing and processed it in your mind and moved on with your life.

  25. You have all the right to reject her earlier, you don’t feel the way (she thinks) she feels…but what you did next, having sex with her after rejecting her romantically kind of made me think that you took the wrong turn there.

    I think she’s just rebounding with you too, imo. I mean, she remembered that you were into her, however, she preferred another man and he basically let her down and they had an abusive relationship. Right now, I’d say, she’s probably not the most stable emotionally.

    Next time, just don’t give someone whom you’re NOT interested in romantically (and you’re aware that she is romantically interested in you) hope by progressing in the physical intimacy/sex department.

    Just stop giving her hope whatsoever.

  26. People in the comments saying he was leading her on sound dumb AF.

    She showed up unannounced (after she got rejected weeks earlier)

    She knows he doesn’t want a relationship with her. She decided to throw pussy at him as a hail marry and it failed. That’s a risk she decided to take.

    Btw sex doesn’t necessarily mean you want a relationship. He was clear with her the first time they kissed in the kitchen.

    She should’ve believed him then.

  27. Actions speak louder than words dude she can say whatever but her actions show that you were her second choice and in her eyes you are expendable the moment someone that she’s thinks is better than you comes along she’ll dump you

  28. I used to have a rule that I would not date friends.

    If we were friends first, if I valued the friendship, dating was off the table.

    My now husband was a dear friend, and I got together with him a short time after a break up.

    While it appeared as a rebound, it was really that I was actually happy with him, that I loved him as a friend and a partner and still am very much in love.

    While I don’t know your whole situation, I know that I initially drew a very hard line about dating friends, that could have kept me from marrying my best friend, and I believe I would have regretted missing the shot with him for the rest of my life if I hadn’t taken the chance.

    You value each other. You care about each other. You have both had romantic feelings for each other. It’s worth the conversation, and it could be worth the risk.

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