I actually posted this update before but idk it was deleted without any reasons. So reposting this again.
The original post
I(26M) found out that my GF(26F) was an Adult video actress and it made things really complicated. from relationship_advice
I am genuinely sorry for my reaction. I acted in a way I believed to be right. No I’m not justifying my actions after I left the room, when i could clearly hear crying. I was not thinking it with a clear mind but now i do. No matter what we do afterwards, but that was not supposed to be the way, i should treat her after she trusted me with such information of her life and I realise that and genuinely I’m very ashamed of myself. I’m not usually a man like this, thank you everyone and i hope you all can forgive me.
I’m also sorry for “i don’t know why I’m feeling guilty, when it should be her feeling it”. I’m honestly not proud of the line i said. I now understand what she meant, when she said she trust me. She wanted support, care and love from me after she shared her past and I reacted completely opposite of it.
There was a comment of a lady who also lost her whole family very early, if you are reading this i thank you so much. I was just saying she has gone through a lot but i never really understood it. She was 21 when shot the videos and I didn’t know her situation at that time, so its not right to judge someone who’s had completely opposite childhood from me. I never had any problems growing up, i was provided every thing i needed, so obviously i was not able to relate with it and act accordingly. Again I’m not justifying my mistakes.
So we talked after work. And it went well. I’m not going with every detail of the talk. She was hurt, her eyes say it. I apologised and explained everything. She broke down after that but this time i was there to hug her and to tell her that it was her past and I’m okay with it. I love her for the person she is now and the fact that she opened up to me out of all the people she’s been with shows how much she trust me and I’ll not betray her trust again. We talked more after that, I confessed to her that it was a little uncomfortable after watching the videos but there’s so much more good memories that we made with each other. The way she reacted to the situation shows her maturity and patience again. I am truly lucky. And yes, she expected a better reaction but she also knew the possibility that I would react differently. Well the good news is that we are now on the same page, and she has forgiven me. Although, I’m still ashamed of myself to hurt this beautiful women. After that we cuddled and we both were laughing. So i think it went well. Now I’m in the bed beside her writing this, she’s asleep, she had gone through a lot today so probably she should take a nice nap.
We got up and had dinner. I thought of posting it an hour ago but i think there are some comments on the last post that i want to clarify:
1) NO, she didn’t enjoy that part of her life. She is completely a different person now. I also found out that she went to therapy after that. She has no social media, she likes a simple life and that’s one of the reason i fell for her. She is a very real person.
2) Yeah we both understand that 8 months is a very small time to decide marriage and all. But one of the things we decided to have is an early family. She loves children and is very good handling them. I know she will be a good mother. Please understand that we are not rushing things here, we are in a good position financially so we thought about it. But there’s a lot to discuss about this.
3) And yes we will be going to therapy.
4) There were a lot of Dm’s after the last post and more than half of it are asking her stage name and similar things. Many actually wrote really disgusting things. Think about your life losers. Well again it doesn’t even matter.
Apart from the hate, i also got some really good advice and I genuinely want to you all. It’s funny that how a bunch of strangers actually help you to realise things. Thank you everyone.
(Last post was removed but it was preserved or something like that, im not very familiar with Reddit. So if this post gets removed too, you can find both the post on my profile, it will be there and i wont delete it, have a nice one)
From what I gather, you aren’t okay with it, but a combination of your love for her and social pressure makes you want to stay.
She needs therapy for her past. And you need therapy for yourself.
Good luck OP, nobody’s opinion here matters but your own. If this is something you can look past, then I wish you luck.
Only thing I’ll say is don’t be fooled that this is something you will be able to accept after a day or two. This is something you will have to put a lot of work into in order to get to a comfortable place mentally. Maybe try therapy for yourself. Don’t get complacent with it, and you should be alright.
I didn’t read your first post but this consistently apologetic, backtracking update pretty clearly says that you’re *not* actually okay with it…
If you have to convince yourself to look past it think again. I knew someone who thought they could look past something like this and it still haunts them decades after
I’m sure this will end well. /s
I read your original post, and now this one. Break up with her dude. You are gaslighting yourself into thinking you are ok with it when you clearly aren’t. This isn’t going to work man.
Why do you apologize so much?
Reddit fucked up with the advice in the last post, what they should have said is that if you aren’t okay with this you are allowed to break up NOT pressuring you to apologize and shaming you for your emotions, WHICH MAKES THE SITUATION WORSE. they were understanding with your gfs situation where tf is that understanding with you? If you don’t like it you can’t force yourself to like it and by doing that you harm not only yourself but your gf as well. It’s gonna build up until one day you lash out or use it in an argument and cause more trauma no therapy can help and then both of y’all wasted years of your lives being with each other.
Ignore what everyone here has and is saying. If you are uncomfortable, leave.
Wtf are you apologizing reddit for?
You are a fool if you think you will ever truly get over this.
Don’t go down that path bro. See you back here in 2 years lol
Youre making a mistake you clearly aren’t okay with it and are just staying with her due to love and guilt break up with her now while you dont have kids or marriage cause once you do that it’s gonna hurt her alot more if you decide to do it then
You guys should just honestly not be together
I would have broken up with her.
people were too harsh on you and as a woman i don’t think there’s anything wrong with expressing boundaries. she waited almost a year to tell you, i’d have to leave. yikes.
This guy needs some self respect. She waited 8 months to tell him, at which point they already lived together. That’s mega shady and he’s clearly not ok with it. Instead it’ll fester and quite possibly come to an ugly head when kids are involved.
OP you don’t have to apologize for shit, how you initially felt is how you felt. How does this change her hiding this from you knowing you would never have continued the relationship or your close friends and family finding out?
It is nice that you are being understanding of her past and what she has gone through. I think the fact that she didn’t tell you about this for 8 months while you’re thinking of even proposing to her is concerning. I think your reaction was kind of understandable honestly that far into the relationship and considering how deep your feelings and intentions for her were; she blindsided you. It is good you are working things out but I would really hold off on rushing into marrying and starting a family with someone who holds a secret like this (while kind of knowing the impact it would have). Take time getting to know each other more and build trust before you make these big commitments to someone you haven’t known for that long and that kept a potentially relationship changing secret from you for that entire time.
Reddit women, guilt tripping and gaslighting dudes into accepting this kind of crap. OP’s brain hasn’t even fully developed yet. I do feel sorry for OP’s girl. But as a person who dated a former child prostitute (she was 33 at the time) the trauma is real and her behaviours were scary. She liked having sex with knives to the throat etc.
OP you have let the Reddit echo chamber bully you into the wrong decision you traumatised your self watching the videos. That is a cat that will never go back into the bag! Why are you apologising so hard you just found out something that is hard to swallow(no pun intended) and the commenters expected you to accept this info with no concerns. How? Now you are based off of the a woman’s choice should have no consequences current mindset going to make a catastrophic series of choices which as you are not cool with and seem unable to even properly process this situation will only end in a complete train wreck. But at least you have appeased the rabidly super secure, super mature apologists who can only show empathy for women regardless of the awful choices they make. Just a question for you op how many of the apologists are no hypocrites who also would not want to date or be in a relationship with your ‘gf’ but want to appear to be politically correct!
I’ll pray for you, because will be hard in the future do deal with this relationship.
It really sounds like your apologizing for finding out traumatizing information and not taking it with a smile and positive attitude.
Also if you’re going to be upset about people asking you for her stage name…. I don’t think you will ever get over this.
Love a happy ending! Good luck in your life OP!
There will be a lot of dudes who watch porn 7 hours a day telling you you are making a mistake. Don’t take advice from wankers.
Bruh I could never get with a sex a worker that’s just me. Really surprised you didn’t break up with her. I sure would have, you aren’t okay with it at all. STOP LETTING REDDIT GUILT TRIP INTO NOT BREAKING UP WITH SOMEONE IF YOU DONT LIKE THEIR PAST. I’m so over the “oh I didn’t know then so what they did doesn’t affect me.” Uh yes tf it does. If you were a sex worker that affects things A LOT. Really shocked you stayed but I highly doubt it’s gonna work out
Peer pressure made OP stay in the relationship. Clearly he should have left.
Just want to say the people who DM’d you for her stage name need help. Like wtf. Glad you saw how wrong you were initially — I hope it all works out for you guys. It takes a lot to change your mind, so, good on you.
Idk folk I don’t feel too confident in the update
OP you are not okay with it, and that’s okay too, I personally wouldn’t date an ex porn actor and I’m a woman, it’s a deal breaker for a lot of people and you are feeling forced to stay by some internet strangers. I would just leave before you start to resent her.
You should have left her. You let yourself be swayed into ignoring your gut reactions and feelings. These people will not be there for you when things inevitably go sideways. She’s not marriage material bro. Assessment is not judgment nor is it wrong. You don’t have to marry her. She’s likely lying to keep you. Get the entire truth.
Glad to see you two were able to talk about it. I saw the last post and was really wondering how you were gonna handle it. Best of luck moving forward.
whats ur gf name? i wanna fail NNN
right or wrong you’re allowed to react. from the way to post reads you didn’t berate her or tear her down. you took a walk to figure things out. you also apologize too much and it looks like you’re doing it due social pressure. if she knew there might be blowback by possibly telling you then she was probably expecting that. The internet is forever and you’ve managed to back yourself into a corner emotionally and feel guilty for The way you responded. You’re allowed to have an opinion and you’re allowed to have confidence and a set of beliefs.
her upbringing is tragic.
going out that morning to view the videos was not a very good idea. what’s worse is now you’ve seen images you wish you never saw and have a hard time forgetting.
She needs therapy and if you’re having trouble but want to maintain a relationship and a future with her, you’ll need therapy too.
I find it interesting how it matters whether she enjoyed that time in her life or not. Everyone loves a redemption story. It sounds like that ‘her’ was totally unacceptable to you OP, only made acceptable by the fact she didn’t enjoy it. Interesting, is all I’m saying.
Thank you for updating. This so good to hear OP. I’m so glad you had time to think and reflect and could go back to your gf and give her the love and support she needs from you.
Best of luck to you both xx
I still don’t think you deserve a second chance and I’m sad she didn’t leave you… Would’ve been better if you broke up with her so she could find someone emotionally mature and empathetic.
Well I got down voted yesterday for basically saying that was her former life and should be left behind.
Glad you guys had the talk and are continuing the journey together.
the misogynistic sex worker haters got to this post. you and your gf deserve happiness, good luck going forward!
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Feels like a happy ending (no pun intended), good luck and congrats.
You met her vulnerability and honesty with a cold shoulder. IDC if you weren’t expecting her to say she had been a sex worker, if you actually loved her you would have treated her like a human being and had a bit of empathy. What a juvenile and selfish response. Your reaction is the reason she’s never shared it with anyone, and probably never will again.
It’s okay to be uncomfortable with sex work. It’s not okay to cold shoulder and silent treatment your partner like this.
Just please don’t waste her time and life pretending and convincing urself that u r ok with that
Honestly, fuck you for watching those videos. You knew they were something she deeply regretted, was probably traumatic before and after for her, and yet you searched for them to satisfy your own victim hood.
I can’t believe she actually seems to be getting on with you after you confessed that YOU were uncomfortable after watching them without her consent. Boo fucking hoo.
You’re saying that you know better now, and yet you still found a way to make it about you when it was supposed to be a moment to apologize and be a better man for her. You have a long ways to go before you deserve a woman like her.
If you’re serious about this relationship and interpersonal communication, go to therapy and figure it out.
Do better.
Glad you apologized, she doesn’t deserve to feel shamed. It’s sex work, it was before you. I have an OF and on that OF I had old vids w my ex and my new bf never ever cared. Never. No other guy I talked to ever cared either and they all wanted a serious relationship. Sex work is just work and while some ppl have hard times grasping that, which I can understand being in a relationship, I’m very very happy and proud to see you came around and comforted her about something she wasn’t happy about doing. Good on you. These comments are useless, you guys are happy be happy.