Thursday, March 23, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceWe were together for 7+ years and she found someone else while...

We were together for 7+ years and she found someone else while we were together

We were together for almost 8 years. About a month ago she dumped me but things ended amicably. We had realized prior to breaking up that we weren’t suited to marry each other. We wanted to stay friends, and up to this point we were each other’s best friend. She’s very important to me.
Recently, I noticed some different behavior from her. I would find out she’s dating someone. Someone she had told me about while we were together – A patient of hers that was friendly and sweet towards her. He asked to be friends and she added him on facebook, even though it’s against company policy. I trusted her so didn’t think anything of it. She almost seems uncomfortable with it, like she didn’t want to but her patients love her. When we were together, she would talk about her patients and often their friendliness towards her. She works with patients suffering from depression and she is quite a ray of sunshine.
I flipped out because now it’s clear to me that she dumped me so she could see this guy, her patient. She waited a month and now they’re dating, which makes me feel like it was all developing while we were together. Now I feel like when I was listening to her talk about her patient, him, I wasn’t just listening about her day or patients, but her infatuation.
I feel like I lost my best friend. She tells me I deserve what I get and I didn’t do enough to make her happy and stay.
I’m so sad I lost my best friend but she seems happy dating this guy, but like, she made me feel safe about her “patient-friend” and I feel so betrayed. She just keeps telling me how I didn’t do good enough.

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  1. Oh, buddy. I’m sorry you lost your best friend, but she’s not being a good person right now. Let’s rewind: you *both* decided you weren’t good marriage partners for *each other.* She was already behaving unethically with her patient – whether or not anything was happening behind your back. And now she’s turning it around on you, that this is *your* fault? No.

    None of this is your fault.

    Take some time away from communication with her, because she is not acting with integrity. For the benefit of the patient, report her. Take screenshots of them being FB friends so you have evidence that can’t be denied or hidden. Take time to grieve and heal, talk with other friends and/or a counselor. You’re going to be ok.

  2. This kinda seems like a variation of the stereotype of the bitchy high school girls growing up to become nurses. Similar field I guess, it’s kinda scary how the people you trust to take care of vulnerable people often turn out to be some of the worst and most problematic people.

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  4. You have done nothing wrong. And it’s natural to be sad at losing a special bond with someone. There will always be someone who can treat you better. But to maintain a healthy relationship, both should be considerate towards each other. Don’t keep in touch with her. She’s ruining her life. Move on and find someone who respects you and deserves your respect too.

  5. Bro things will get better. It sucks now it really does but keep your head up. Things with that guy won’t last forever. They rarely do in situations like that. Just focus on yourself. Go the the gym, hangout with friends, do better in your career and stack money. The best revenge is self improvement. If you ever see them again and you’re doing 1000 times better than you were with them it hurts. Especially if the old SO is single at the time. Don’t take them back.

    Also don’t try and date anyone else right now. Take time to let your hurt subside before you find someone new. If you ever need to talk about it then hit me up. Stay strong.

  6. Um. There’s a reason she isn’t supposed to befriend patients. It’s unsafe for the patients. I would 100% report her if you care at all about another human being’s safety. But that’s up to you.

    Anyway, my advice would be to stop talking to her. You’re still hurt. And she’s being horrible to you.

  7. You stated that you both agreed that you two weren’t suitable for marriage! At some point she was going to move on and find “the one”. I suggest you block her on everything and move on. Make the best of your life. Shes not your Bestie, you thought but clearly she isnt. Be glad it was 8 years and not 18… Best wishes!!!

  8. I would report her to her employers as it’s highly irregular, potentially disastrous, unprofessional, and it’s unethical. It can lead the company directly into a ton of illegal issues as the patent could sue on the grounds of sexual harassment, exploitation of the patient and she can get more than terminated and loose whichever medically based field from psychology to nursing. So report her.

  9. You are well rid of her, now that you know what she’s capable of. She is not that person you knew. Secondly as a professional she is in a position that requires trust from patients and her dating a patient is a breach of that trust. Please report her.

  10. No one leaves someone for another person if they are in a genuinely happy relationship. She wouldn’t even notice this guy and look at him that way if she was happy and her needs were met in your relationship. She didn’t leave you for this guy, she left you for you. Sorry if I sound harsh. But I feel like people love to blame others for their problems and don’t realise the value of the person their with until their with someone else or if it’s super clear you don’t have any chance.
    This is coming from someone who has been in a 7 year long relationship. I however didn’t jump into another relationship after that.

  11. You don’t know that she was doing anything while she was with you. She was friends with him. She may have had “thoughts” about what it might be like to date him, but didn’t act on it. Once you guys were separated, she started dating him.
    You can either sit around and over think this stuff and convince yourself that each and every conversation now has a different meaning. Or, you can take her at her word and just move on! You said you BOTH didn’t think it was right to continue your relationship. So, by coming up with things that make you the injured party does nothing but make you upset. I will never understand how people will say you trusted your partner for years, and now you think she has lied! Not saying she couldn’t have lied… But if she was “your best friend” for 8 yrs, I don’t think she cheated and I don’t think she planned this. It was just timing and although it looks suspect, you can’t prove it and all you are doing is driving yourself crazy!
    If she truly is your best friend, then stop acting like a jealous ex boyfriend. Talk to her and try to fix your friendship! But, and I’m just being realistic, the likely hood of you guys staying best friends as you both find other people to date, is pretty slim! It just happens that way. One reason is, you guys were friends cause you were dating. But maintaining a friendship after you break up takes work and most people can’t or don’t put that much effort into it. So, I think you need to just get some closure and accept that this part of your life is over and move on!

  12. This is you failing to move on. It doesn’t matter anymore what she does, or what she did. It has all ceased to be any of your business.

    Stop wasting time and energy with your ex. Maybe you can be good friends again eventually, but you obviously can’t be right now. You need to get over the relationship.

  13. Stop being her friend, and as he was a patient, and there will be evidence on Facebook of there relationship starting, report her to whatever governing body she is beholden to. Hopefully they find her unacceptable and bar her from practice going forward.

  14. From a professional in the field’s perspective, this warrants termination. Further, I am not entirely sure what her profession is, but it is also ethically violating multiple codes. To be honest, you dodged a bullet my friend. Someone with this sort of mentality is not well- as a patient, you seek the professional support because you are vulnerable; something she very clearly has taken advantage of.
    It hurts, and no amount of words from strangers on the internet can help you heal faster, but know that healing will come in due time.

  15. I am going through literally exactly the same thing, similar actually, mine was 2 years and still hurt like a b**h. I know it feels like you’re in this pit right now, deep in sadness. 7 years is a long time and I acknowledge that. Now is your time to shine. Think of yourself as the main character in a movie who’s going through a breakup. Set a timeline to how long you’re gonna grieve because life goes on my friend. If you start walking backwards, the world’s gonna move forward in double the speed. Grieve grieve grieve for 1 month, 2 months, 3 months, 4 months then you say to yourself ENOUGH. Strap on and go out there. This is your opportunity from the universe to go and find your fish from the 7 billion others in the sea. She seems happy? Good for her. All humans deserve happiness, we suffer a lot anyway. Now it’s your time to be happy. Have fun go out. Live it up, you’ll look back in a few years and thank the lord

  16. 1. Tell her employer. Doctor don’t screw patients. How did she put it? I deserve what I get?

    2. Don’t be her friend, it will KILL you inside.

    3. block her on everything. She is not your friend.

    4. Sorry bro, move on

  17. Report her.. on most places a therapist, psychologist etc need a license which means they are held accountable to a standard.

    One she is abusing. Even if she didn’t cheat at all she is now using an emotionally vulnerable man to rebound after leaving you. That is very dangerous for a man who was seeking proffessional help. Please report her.

  18. Totally relatable.
    Shit like that makes us bad and then we are the guilty onec, not them.

    Happened to me three times. Each time THEY/ex gfs, wer telling me about their,, good guy froend”, “just a coworker”. I did not make anything out of it. Never question, nothing. Thought they are just that “friends”.

    Then they dumped me and one month later, they are dating.

    I have never chated and will not cheat. That is not who I am.
    But as soon as I have a gf again, if she starts telling me about another guy, I will let her know I am not interested in him and maeby even dump her at the spot.
    I don’t have time for that shit anymore and I know you cannot change a persone, if you just tell them to.

  19. Yea I’m gonna guess there’s an ethical issue here too. And yea she’s not even your friend

    Please report her to her company. This is predatory to date a patient suffering from mental health

  20. I have a similar story. I spent 7 years with a man. He wanted to get married and have children, but the relationship had many abusive elements, we were engaged to be married.

    We were good friends to an extent. All this to say, you have to let her go. Completely remove her from your life or else you won’t move on and forward and you’ll be stuck in the past.

    It took me a year to purge and completely move on. Go no contact forever. I have found the best love that I could never have dreamed of.

  21. Broski. Don’t waste your time on someone who decided to leave behind 8 years of being together to go chase what ever.

    Best thing you can do right now is forget her. It’s hard. Like extremely difficult to do. This is a shitty part of life.

    How you decide to go forward is on you. I’d take the time to focus on yourself. Do things that make you happy, go to the gym, date if you really want to.

    She chose to do this. Don’t be there for her. She more or less abandoned you. Try to be in her shoes and look at it from her perspective.

    She can be your best friend or at least it felt that way. Not anymore. Real friends at least communicate no matter how difficult.

    What do you think is going to happen to the patient friend down the line. It’s his problem now.

  22. I read something once that I think applies here. She was unhappy in the relationship, maybe she communicated that, maybe not, but she felt unappreciated. This guy came in, made her feel special, she became infatuated, but she was dating you, her best friend. So she wrestled with it, that’s part of what those talks were. Eventually she came to terms with it, thought about dating him, maybe hesitated, but ultimately decided to do it. What you have to realize is that that time while she was wrestling with it, your relationship was actually over. She dealt with that loss while you were still together. She then broke up, waited a month so nobody would accuse her of cheating, then announced this new relationship.

    I’m sorry for you, she may have been your best friend, but you weren’t hers. Mourn, go no contact at least for a while, reflect on yourself, then when you’re healed, go find someone else. Best of luck

  23. What she’s doing it highly unethical. The patients are already vulnerable. You need to report her. This guy may not be the only one. She’s taking advantage of her patients and could lose her license. Based on your posts, she seems to put a lot of focus on her patients. As someone who sees a therapist regularly, I find this behavior unsettling.

  24. It’s really hard when relationships end and you have to grieve what could have been. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but it is a grieving process and you will find a way to acceptance.

    That said, you state they were friends while you guys were together. It could be that after your breakup, she found this person was there for her and they started dating after the fact.

  25. You’re better than her. You decided to end things already. You made peace with the fact that she wasn’t right for you or her. What you found out was just MORE evidence of something you were strong enough to acknowledge already and I hope You’re able to have a sense of how healthy and strong you are for that. You dodged a huge bullet, sure, but you learned so much about yourself during the time you spent. Don’t stop now. Don’t give her any more of your time, your heart, your soul. She is a lesson plan you aced and although grieving IS HEALTHY even when it hurts so much, this is you continuing to acknowledge hard truths and do right by yourself, something many people will never achieve. And it can be agony. But You’re doing it and that’s amazing.

    YOU’RE amazing and she’s an unethical trainwreck. Trains are still awesome and worth riding, but that one? Her track is fucked and leads nowhere. Even so, you were riding it for a very long time, so it’s going to take a minute to get back to walking and your legs aren’t used to going it alone. Walking away from her is going to be the most painful part, because you were invested like a good partner, and these things will always hurt. That doesn’t make it the wrong choice.

    Because one day, the pain in your legs is going to fade away. And you might even find yourself sprinting towards a new track, with another passenger that will be exactly what you both need to operate a new train that will take you to places you’ve never dreamed.

    It’s normal to look back right now. Human to look back. But try your hardest to keep being the amazingly strong, invested person you are, but towards yourself and your free future. Try to look back in order to remind yourself of why you’re walking away. Arm yourself with the past even when it’s easier to let the flames burn your skin. You’re still climbing from the rubble, of course it burns. You deserve someone who won’t ever leave you stumbling and in pieces. Ever. And there’s people out there who never would.

    But, hey. It’s okay to not be okay. Because you will be one day. I promise you that. You’re doing everything right. Life just really likes to kick our teeth in, and sometimes we just have to focus on getting through it and not trying to make the best of it. So let yourself rest and grieve, and focus on real friendships and taking care of yourself and being gentle with yourself. Get as far away from the crazy train as you can. There’s no rational sense in forcing anything with anyone. Don’t invest in the dangerous sunk cost fallacy. Invest in getting as far away from her as you can, because right now, she’s just a flaming train wreck and there’s no point in standing there getting burned. You’re allowed to do what’s best for you. If she tries to make you feel bad for that, she’s just proving that she’s a flaming, melted, gnarled ball of damage. Fuck that.

    You’re going to be okay. One foot in front of the other. Rest in the arms of friends, family, therapists, and your own self. You are doing everything right. You are worth more. Let’s get you feeling yourself again instead of those flames.

    One step at a time. You got this.

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