Sunday, March 26, 2023
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what do I do about my bf wanting to spend time with a girl he used to have a major crush on.

My 20f bf 20m of one year got a message from his friend (another girl) who he used to basically be in love with and she asked him to play games with her on her birthday. Her words were ” I wanna play games with my bestest friend” and he said yes. She’s caused problems for us before. She used him for money and would send him nudes so he’d give her money, he gave her hundreds overall. He had her nudes saved on his phone for years.

I’ve made my concerns to him very clear and he hasn’t listened. He still insists on being friends with her and spending time with her. He just won’t listen to what I say and all my friends have said that he needs to get rid of her cos he’s with me now. He doesn’t need her in his life. But he still insists and makes me feel bad when I bring up my concerns. What do I do. I’m just so stuck. I’ve even been thinking about ending the relationship over this. Because no matter what I say he won’t listen. Any advice would be appreciated.

Edit: I spoke to him and it didn’t go well. Which is partly my fault because I brought it to him at a bad time. But it needed to be said. He said he wasn’t coming down to see me until I had “calmed the fuck down” and he denied having any history with her. He eventually said he was still going to come down. And I spoke to my dad about the issue and he’ll be raising his concerns as hes seeing how this is negatively impacting my mental health. And in turn if its affecting mine then it’ll affect his too. I’ll update tonight when we’ve all spoken properly.

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  1. I’m afraid there’s more going on than he’s letting on but I fear you may suspect this too.
    You need to sit him down and redefine relationship boundaries and say this is unacceptable.
    Tell him how much it hurts you to be in this position.
    If he knows what’s good for him, he will tow the line.
    You may need to prepare for an answer you don’t like too, however you stay true to yourself and your principals.
    I wish you well and let us know how you get along.
    Happy Hump Day btw 🙂

  2. You should end the relationship, it’s obvious he doesn’t respect your feelings on the situation and that would be bad enough in itself. However, the fact was/is(?) in love with this girl and she’s caused issues in your relationship already is even more of a reason to end it. He’s too dumb and lovestruck to realize she’s using him. Talking to him again will change nothing, it’s very obvious he’s still holding a candle for this girl.

  3. > She’s caused problems for us before.

    Sounds like you need a new boyfriend. Your current one disrespects your relationship every time he hangs out with someone you know he has an active crush on he never moved past.

  4. There is probably some kind of motive on her part. Likely money, but maybe she just likes messing with you both. She knows what she’s doing, that it is obviously causing a problem. She doesn’t respect your relationship, and neither does he. She knows that he’ll come running because he wants her and she can lead him on for personal gain

    He is being disrespectful to you by even allowing this to happen. It sounds like he’s not fully committed to you at all, if he won’t respect you on something like this, you should probably consider if he’s someone you want to spend any more time on

  5. “She’s caused problems for us before. She used him for money and would send him nudes so he’d give her money, he gave her hundreds overall. He had her nudes saved on his phone for years.”

    Naw he’s the one causing problems by being a sad pathetic little boy. So he did this while dating you? If so, get out of there. If not, get out of there because he’s still stuck on this girl

  6. Why did you bring your dad into it? This should be between the two of you, not your family and friends. I understand the need to talk, but the more people involved, the more drama. If you feel second to her and he won’t listen, you can 1) put up with it and keep being upset 2) continue to fight about it 3) break up with him and show him you deserve to be first, not play second fiddle. There may be other options, but these are the main ones that came to mind.

  7. I get you, you’re so valid for feeling this way. I’m 21F and am in a similar situation though the reasoning is different, and the patterns are clear. If you’re voicing your concerns to him and he still does not listen, then it may be time to start thinking about your own well being and what will make you happiest in the long run. Sometimes the urge to try to stop or control the situation can be difficult to shut down, but at the end of the day no matter how much you like him, someone who doesn’t respect you, your feelings, or your boundaries isn’t worth being with. I’m guilty of all this too, I’m still in this relationship as well after feeling this way for months, but I’ve been realizing over time that my well being should be my first priority, and I think yours should be for you as well. If you think that you’ll be happier without him, let him go! He’ll go backwards to his own bad habits and you can be free to grow without the stress of his actions weighing you down. Don’t put up with anything you aren’t comfortable with and know that you are worth more.

  8. He’s TRASH. Break up with him immediately. He wants to hang out with his crush who he’s seen naked, and IGNORES your feelings to make her happy? Nah. He’s either cheated already, or going to cheat. Save yourself the heartache and dump him.

  9. Toss the whole relationship in the trash. There are thousands of men who won’t do this. He’s in complete denial.

    She just wants him around on her birthday because she wants someone who she knows will spend money on her. He’s weak for her manipulation

  10. Sounds like he has no respect for your feelings and may even still be into this girl otherwise why is he this insistent? It ain’t right. Something sounds off there. *when I originally read this I missed the part about the nudes* this dude is no. You need to leave that. It will never be innocent bc he has seen her naked and you cannot unsee that.

  11. None of this mess is your fault, unlike your Edit where you say some of it is. Nope. BF is an immature, gaslighting dirtball. No future with him is going to look bright and sunny. You’ve already seen that he gives her money in exchange for nude photos. That’s the guy you want as a life partner? Get away from him, and get yourself some therapy to figure out why your self esteem is close to non-existent. He’s an emotional abuser, and you are a submissive victim: recipe for a disaster for you.

  12. *She’s caused problems for us before. She used him for money and would send him nudes so he’d give her money, he gave her hundreds overall. He had her nudes saved on his phone for years.*

    Yikes, and you kept him around after finding that out?

  13. Yeah that’s not a friend. Boundary #1 for friendship is you have to keep your clothes on, otherwise it’s a mess. State your boundaries and be prepared to walk away from this relationship. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. If he truly is a great guy then he’d get rid of this “friend”.

  14. A relationship should feel good, and there shouldn’t be another person you have to be concerned about.

    While I’m older, I can say if I was the guy in this situation, I would just be upfront and say why I keep this girls nudes on my device. But even at 20 I wouldn’t do that to someone I was dating. It’s called respect even if we are not serious and casual the person you are with should feel special unless you’ve both been clear on it being an open relationship with full transparency.

    I think you know this already and just want confirmation from others that things are not right. The fact you’re making excuses for him with the “bad timing” shows that this is relationship has you putting in effort and him coasting through it.

    I suggest if you want your confirmation, draw your line in the sand, tell him what you will and won’t accept, and move on if he can’t respect that.

  15. If he doesn’t have history with her, it is because she can string him along without it.

    He is not old enough to have got over a crush. It can take years, especially when the other person is cunning and gives him just enough attention to keep it alive.

    The question is if you are happy being #2 in his heart, knowing #1 does not love him right now. But if you are considering marriage, and he is successful, when #1’s looks start to fade, she will try to steal him, so do you want to be looking over your shoulder the rest of your life?

    Your 20s is the best decade of your life to be single, because there is no shortage of other single people with loads of free time.

  16. he is making you feel bad so he doesn’t feel bad. he is infatuated with her. he will cheat on you given the first opportunity. save yourself the heartbreak now and find someone who isn’t easily distracted by a “bestest friend”. you don’t need reddit to tell you what should be very obvious

  17. If you’re not comfortable about it, and you’ve told him that. Hands down he should not go. It’s as simple. If he Dosent really respect what you feel. Then you may have to let go.

  18. The most simple way to put it.

    This is who he is and shown himself to be. Is this the type of man you want to date and have as a partner in life?

    You can’t force someone to change, but you can choose who you spend time with.

  19. This should be a hard boundary for you. If he goes there it’s as a single man. After all the trouble she has caused this should not be a difficult decision for him.

  20. Clarify and I guess better get out of the relationship. I’ve been there, done that, and I ended up cheating. Regret it now, but yeah, he seems like what I was then. So get out of there.

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