Friday, March 24, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceWhen my fiance (46/M) loses his temper I (39/F) want to leave...

When my fiance (46/M) loses his temper I (39/F) want to leave him (UPDATE)

UPDATE: I posted about my relationship last year and a lot of folks had some great advice that I wasn’t ready to hear at the time. I want to encourage you that if you’re in a relationship like mine that it’s not normal to be treated that way, and that things will feel better on the other side. I left him in July of this year and am very happy with my decision. I feel positive about life again and physically, spiritually and emotionally much happier.

I just wanted to thank everyone for your support and comments and share some resources. There’s a great closed community for women/femmes on Facebook called “Should I Stay or Should I Go.” A great book called “Too Bad to Stay, Too Good to Leave.” Another good one, by Lundy Bancroft, called “Why Does He Do That.” I am also getting a lot out of a book called “Codependent No More” by Melanie Beattie, which I highly recommend! I know for some people it seems incredible that someone could be in a relationship that was so clearly unhealthy and think that it was somehow, someday going to work for them, but I’ve found that it’s sadly common. As someone recently wrote on Twitter, we have this narrative about marriage/relationships being a lot of misery and work and bickering and disrespect, maybe because we’re being conditioned to think this is all we (honestly, mostly women) should expect. But you know what? No thank you to that, never again.

My TL;DR is this: On the day I left him I showed up at one of my closest friends’ house with my dog and a suitcase, crying. She listened to me, fed me, and put me up in her spare room. As I went to sleep that night I reflected on how safe I felt in her house and her presence. How I had never been afraid that she would mock me, disbelieve me, call me names or get angry with me for being myself. If your romantic relationship doesn’t feel like that, like a friendship where you are loved, liked, respected, believed, cared for and comfortable, it’s a relationship you shouldn’t stay in


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  1. Was it a hard decision to make? Years ago, I was not in a good relationship. After hearing about how he was treating me by family, who cared enough to say something about the guy I was engaged to at the time, I chose to break up with him. Difficult to do, but it’s better being single than to be treated in ways that are not good at all. So glad you are doing better now.

  2. Hey I actually just broke up with my fiancé a week ago, and I felt exactly the same as you did while in the relationship. I will definitely have to check out some of those books you recommended!!
    He never hit me or cheated; however, the screaming in my face, throwing things/punching walls, and muttering shit under his breath when he was mad at me made me feel so small and insignificant. I was walking on eggshells. I, too, researched and researched how we could fix things and begged to go to couples counseling. Now that we’re broken up, he swears he can change and it pains me to see him crying and heartbroken over it because we really did have a good relationship “when things were good” and I still care about him as a person. I am trying to stay strong and stay true to my decision. Your story gives me hope. Thank you, and glad to hear you are doing so much better!

  3. First of all, good for you and congrats for taking your life back!!! As someone who made the leap years ago, I am so happy to read this! It is SO hard to make the decision and then actually go through with it. It is not until you look back and realized how fucked up it was. I hope this post reaches the right person who is contemplating leaving. If you are thinking about it, you probably should. The feeling comes back every time.

  4. I’m really happy for you. One thing I learned in life, and I’m only in my fifties. As we get older, we all deserve to be happy and we should prevent spending useless years unhappy. Sometimes it’s better to be alone then wishing one was alone. God bless you.

  5. Congratulations and thanks for updating.

    >If your romantic relationship doesn’t feel like that, like a friendship where you are loved, liked, respected, believed, cared for and comfortable, it’s a relationship you shouldn’t stay in

    Wise, powerful words. I love that you are putting this out there.

  6. Happy to hear that you got out and are doing a lot better!

    You’re absolutely right it is an unfortunate narrative. Thank you for spreading the word and giving safe spaces for other to go to who may be in a similar situation.

  7. My ex had similar anger issues, and Why Does He Do That? helped me realize I should leave as well. It’s a tough pill to swallow to admit the person you love is emotionally abusing you. So glad you got out!

  8. I’m so glad to read that you left. It’s been two and a half years since I left my abuser and I’ve met a wonderful man since then who treats me with kindness and respect. You’ll find that as well. It’s going to be a long, hard road but it’s worth every minute of it. I suggest finding a therapist who specializes in domestic violence.

    It took me a lot of time and a lot of hard work but I finally broke the trauma bond that I had with my ex. You will too. I’m always around if he ever need anyone to talk to. I’ve done a lot of work and I’m willing to listen if you need an ear. Hugs.

  9. I know I already commented but I wanted to add on to this. The reason why people think that the relationship will eventually work for them is because of something called trauma bonding. Also because abuse is a cycle and every time the abuser apologizes, the victim holds out hope that the relationship will improve and that the abuser will go back to the person they were in the beginning. The harsh truth is that this person never existed, it was a front put on to gain the victim’s trust.

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