Hi. I’m 25 and female. I have had relationships before and told my partners about my chronic illness but the last person I told had a very negative reaction and I am having a lot more anxiety about bringing this up now.
I was born with Hepatitis B and I’m a chronic carrier. It was never active in my body and the viral count is so low I am not extremely contagious, I do not have symptoms or any damage. I was born in a poor part of a developing country, it wasn’t something I could control.
In normal uninfected people,Hep B is preventable with a vaccine series; it is effective on most people and tests can be done to evaluate if the vaccinations were successful in bringing immunity to the person. Therefore with preventative care, Hep B is preventable and it is possible to have safe sex with a carrier such as myself. So basically it is a hurdle but not impossible.
I struggle when to tell people (potential partners) about this. It’s sexually transmitted so obviously I have to bring it up before getting intimate. But I feel like people hook up so soon these days, after just a few dates, that it’s so early on to just be like Hi I have a chronic illness that is transmittable BUT its possible to prevent it. I’m afraid people will just hear hep b and be scared and disgusted by me. The stigma is still really strong even though I was born with it and can’t help it.
How should I approach this with potential partners that I have been on some dates with? Is there a right or wrong way or time to bring it up? I know to bring it up as early as possible but it’s not really a first date kind of thing. Please let me know your opinions.
Please don’t be mean – I always disclose this prior to hooking up with anyone and make sure they have a thorough understanding about the virus and everything. I am just scared of the stigma and how people react to it.
The best thing to do is be upfront. This isn’t a first date conversation but after a couple on the belt if they and you both want to be sexual it’s definitely important to tell them. It’s hard and there’s no guarantee they will stick around but by doing it you ensure that once you do find someone who does they are in it for the long haul!
My mother caught Hep B when she was very young, so I sympathize.
There’s indeed quite a stigma around the illness. And it is also important for you to inform any potential partner before you have any kind of sexual relationship with them.
The illness is a part of you that your partner will have to know and accept if they want to engage in the activity. I’d say if you like them enough and you think they also like you enough that might lead to sex then you’ll have to just bring it up.
Just say that you were ‘born’ with an illness, instead of just saying I have a chronic illness. They will see that you’re still alive and well, then you can further explain what the illness is and how it can be prevented.
If they have a negative reaction then that is their problem and you’ll know they are not for you. You didn’t do anything wrong, in fact you are being responsible for letting them know.
Some people might not take it well but that’s okay, it doesn’t reflect on you as a person. I hope people will be more understanding but that is just how it is. Don’t let that anxiety grow too much on you.
I’d do it before you meet/date tbh.
I remember a guy telling me something similar, and we had been chatting online for a few hours at that point. I remember thinking “I could just wrap this conversation up, remember it fondly, and move along”. But I chose to meet up with him anyway, 100% because he was so open, gave me research links, and told me to take my time and think it over, and I’m still glad I did. Our pairing didn’t eventuate into anything as we just weren’t compatible but caring about and respecting other people is sexy, and I don’t regret dating him at all.
So yeah, I suggest before a meet up or date, to give them time to think it over, and to not overwhelm them with information.
The right person won’t care. You’ve just gotta weed out the shitty ones first.
I know that many people are telling you that you should tell a potential suitor, and not “keep it from them”, but you never SAID that you would keep it from them!
You asked how/when you should tell them, so that it isn’t awkward for either of you. If it were me, I would say (once you two think that you have a connection, and think that you’d like to meet) I might try something like… “Hey, I know that this might not be the best time to bring it up, but since I am hoping to find a lasting relationship, rather than just a hookup, I’d like to share some information with you, regarding my health….” And you can go on from there… Good luck to you, and I hope that you find your forever person!!
I’m also 25 and have chronic Hep B! If you wanna talk, you can DM me.
I’m not sure how you’re going about meeting people for dates so this advice might not be applicable everywhere. However, if you’re meeting anyone online or through a dating app, I would honestly just disclose it before it ever gets to a first date. That way you weed them out immediately. They either ghost, flip out there, or are worth your time and continue the conversation, ask questions, etc. I know it isn’t a “good” comparison but for some reason being divorced was a big turnoff for people when I was dating. I literally just started matter of fact disclosing it after a bit of getting to know one another. Saved me a lot of time.
Meeting people in person is a bit different but I still think it could be applicable while having a text conversation or something. But overall, sooner rather than later so you don’t waste your time, and of course in a way you feel safe. (which is why over text is sometimes the best choice)
Get on every dating app out there and be perfectly honest. I’ve had the vaccine and there are other guys who have, too. Hang around science-types; we know what to be afraid of!
I knew a girl in college who caught herpes and she went through the same thing. The stigma of it all is horrendous. But she eventually found a partner who she disclosed that to, and he recognized it didn’t define her.
Trust me, I understand your potential partners concerns, but if they don’t treat you well when you tell them, they are not the partner for you.
Best of luck!
Lead with vaccination status. Ask if they’ve completed the hep b vaccine.
I told my boyfriend over FaceTime before we met in person (we met on a dating app). Im not about to waste my time even meeting someone unless they know that being with me has limits and means making sacrifices and they’re alright with that. He’s sitting next to me now and we live together. He’s stayed true to his word and has never complained or expressed anything negative towards my numerous chronic illnesses and has done nothing but support me.
Be honest and upfront even just to weed out the potential partners that simply aren’t going to work in your life
First of all I am sorry for your illness.
Second, you not only should but have to tell potential partners about it. I don’t know where you are from, but where I live it is a crime to withhold an information about sexual illness.
If you’re not looking for a hook up but a “real” relationship it should be a lot easier, since people will be much more into you as a person and it will be easier for them to accept it.
Forget the person who was an asshole. They obviously have never had sex with a partner who had a STD and didn’t disclose it prior to sex.
You’re awesome for making sure any potential partner knows about it before sex.
As for when, if I were you, I may do it through text when you’re setting up a more intimate date (like a guy invites you to his place to cook dinner). I can’t imagine how difficult it is for you, but I would think a text is the best way to get the info across, give them time to process and for both of you to save face if they aren’t cool with it.
Good luck!
It’s a weird way to look at it but think of it as benefit because it’s great way to weed these losers out.
Isnt hep B vaccine part of a standard vaccine series in developed countries? I remember a doctor freaking out finding “hep B” in my blood and then everyone realizing it was just antibodies because I was vaccinated as a kid. I’m sorry this is such a pain in your ass. Maybe just bring it up as soon as possible and suggest that it’s likely theyve already been vaccinated against it and didn’t know. I didn’t even know I was until I was forced to look for it in my medical records. It should be a nonissue for most.
Edit: not really freaking out, but it was a scare and a concern that turned out to be nothing.
For many people the hepatitis B vaccine wears off by the time they’re an adult. Your partner can be tested to see if it wore of by a simple blood test, and if it did wear off they can get booster vaccines. You should definitely tell your partner before having sexual relations with them, or sharing household items such as razors or toothbrushes as it can be spread that way.
Hi, OP!! 🙂 I think just being factual about it, as you did in your post, is best. Let them do their own research if they choose.
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I don’t know an exact time that would be good. Are you usually meeting in person or online?
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I wouldn’t feel any pressure to do anything physical with anyone based on your perception of what others are doing or general societal expectations. What you do with your body and with whom (adults :)) and the timing is up to you.
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Don’t forget that you are also evaluating the potential partners for suitability/compatibility, so if they aren’t treating you how you want to be treated, then it’s a “no” from you as well.
Easiest thing to do is to make sure all of your dates are kept in public for a bit. Once you or they start wanting to ask about it, then it’s time for the convo, BEFORE they get to your or you go to their place. It should be a logical part of the discussion to bring up STDs, when you were last tested etc, and that’s when you should explain. You were born with Hep B and while you don’t ‘have it’ in that you’re not symptomatic, you’re a carrier for it, so he/she needs to have a full course of vaccine before you two have sex.
You’re a woman, so generally speaking, I assume that a guy is going to make the first move to go back to someone’s place, so once they give you that signal, take that as your cue to bring up the conversation.
Anyone who knows anything about viruses shouldn’t be judgmental about hep b (or any virus for that matter). But hep b is especially preventable and most people (at least in the US) are vaccinated as children for it anyways. I’m sorry if you’ve received judgment in the past. I think how you explained it is a perfectly fine way to disclose it to partners, especially if you mentioned they likely already have gotten the vaccine in the past and just should get checked to make sure they still have immunity for it. Any mature partner won’t have a problem with that.
Just because one person was a jerk it is still important to tell them as soon as possible. If the person freaks out they are going to do it earlier or later. Better tell people off the bat
Girl, there are people out here with whole ass herpes (and worse) doing anything and everything, and some people don’t bat an eyelash. Let em know and live your life.
I believe it is absolutely unnecessary to put that type of pressure on yourself prior to meeting someone. First meet them and see where it goes. If it progresses to the point of intimacy, definitely disclose. If someone really cares for you enough to do the research, it’s not a big deal. They will appreciate your honesty.
BTW I am a believer in developing a relationship before “hooking up”
Tbh I would do it before investing time with someone who’s just gonna be rude and mean. Like maybe after chatting online for a little bit. I think I would say “hey I like where this is going but there should be something you know before we get to know each other more intimately” and if they are a dick just move on (ha easier said then done I know)
It’s not just sexually transmitted so I think you kinda have to bring it up sooner than later. Hey I just want to let you know I was born with a blood born pathogen called hep B. When people are vaccinated the chances of them getting it when exposed to x y or z is unlikely. So that way if they don’t have the vaccine they can get it . Doesn’t sound like your doomed. But yea people won’t always be understanding.
I have hsv, I told my current partner after we had been hanging out for a month and he had spent the night (cuddling only) a couple times
I mean, you did a pretty good job here explaining the situation. Use this as a template when you have to tell others.
This may be a little extreme but there are dating sites for people to meet others with their same illness. That would kind of break the ice for you and help you find someone who already understands what you have to deal with. Just a suggestion.
I read your looking for a relationship on the comments. Personally I would just wait until you going to make a real go of it / they had asked you if you want to be together exclusively and you have serious feelings for each other. That way they will already like you enough that it shouldn’t matter ? If you wait to have sex it gets rid of the ones who just want sex or aren’t looking for anything serious.
Whew, so, this is probably going to come out sounding rough, and I don’t mean it like that, so please know that I mean this kindly.
Personally, for me, I would want to know on the first date. Honesty is a big stickler for me, after having been in a relationship where I was lied to repeatedly. In my opinion, trust is one of the most important foundation stones for a relationship, and if you start it out with a lie, even by omission, it makes me wary to trust someone. I feel like, “This person took away my choice to decide, because they were afraid of how I’d react. How can I trust they won’t hide other things from me that they’re worried about how I would take them?”
But I own that my past hang-ups are not everyone else’s.
Good luck, sweetie. I wish you the best, and truly hope you find someone worthy of you.
You need to be open and upfront with all your partners. I would say directly from the beginning. If not then you’re manipulating them. Honestly if you’re on Tinder or anything it should be right in your bio.
Fyi there are specific dating sites for these things. I see very good advice so I won’t add much except good luck!
Be upfront. Not being upfront could be against the law and earn you prison time depending on your location.
My mother caught Hep B when she was very young, so I sympathize.
There’s indeed quite a stigma around the illness. And it is also important for you to inform any potential partner before you have any kind of sexual relationship with them.
The illness is a part of you that your partner will have to know and accept if they want to engage in the activity. I’d say if you like them enough and you think they also like you enough that might lead to sex then you’ll have to just bring it up.
Just say that you were ‘born’ with an illness, instead of just saying I have a chronic illness. They will see that you’re still alive and well, then you can further explain what the illness is and how it can be prevented.
If they have a negative reaction then that is their problem and you’ll know they are not for you. You didn’t do anything wrong, in fact you are being responsible for letting them know.
Some people might not take it well but that’s okay, it doesn’t reflect on you as a person. I hope people will be more understanding but that is just how it is. Don’t let that anxiety grow too much on you.
Check out positive singles
You might find your person there.
My cousin did
(Not an ad!)
This is serious problem. Having similar situation. I hope you will have a luck
You tell them after you’re done making out at the end of date #2 (have the conversation at the very end of the date).