Friday, March 24, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceWhy can't I (35M) say I love you to my wife (32F)?

Why can’t I (35M) say I love you to my wife (32F)?

I currently hear her laughing at something upstairs, and as it usually does, it made me feel warm all over. Also made me think to ask a question that’s been getting at me for awhile, but can’t ask anyone else.

I find I have a hard time saying I love you to her. I don’t know why it is but it bothers me. My wife says I love you a million times a day. Right after she thanks me for something, when we’re laying together on the couch after a long day and she just looks up in my eyes and says it, after I make her laugh. Sometimes I say it back, sometimes I just kiss her back. I remember it caught me off guard when we were dating when she would do the same.

I love that woman more than I love anything else in my life. So I don’t get why I sometimes hard to say it back as much as she does. I also hope it’s not hurting her.

TL;DR Have a hard time saying I love you to my wife and want to know why.

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  1. I read a thread recently about a woman who was coming to Reddit to ask why her husband never said he loved her and the toll it took on her mental health. A little later down the road, through some form or another, she discovered different people have different love languages and say him down to have a talk. They came up with a system through which he could tell her he loved her without spitting it out because apparently it was difficult for him. It was simple. Three taps somewhere on her person. And just like that, she said he was doing it all the time! More in those recent days than he ever had.

    My point is, maybe you should sit down and have yourself a think, maybe see a therapist if that’s an option (that would be my advice) and if that’s not something you’re into, at the bare minimum, relate the story above to her. Tell her how much you love her and about how you struggle with those words and maybe see if you can fashion a little system. We all say things in different ways. Personally, I don’t understand why it would be hard… but I guess therein lies the bigger issue. The fact that I’m sure it hasn’t gone unnoticed and it’s best to open the line of communication ASAP as that in itself is a way of saying “I love you”.

  2. Saying it makes you vulnerable. The more you say it, the easier it gets. That said, maybe what you can do is start leaving little I love you post it notes for her where she’ll find them.

  3. What culture are you from? Some cultures say it more than others. When Asians say it directly to their family there is now the worry that the person who said it is dying

  4. My ex and I said it a lot – way too much.

    My new bf (10 1/2 months) has a real problem with saying it. I was a little hurt at first but he’s *very* loving and attentive. He started saying it after we did mushrooms one night and had an emotional talk. We usually say it….once a week or so? Usually when one of us has to be away or we’re extra emotional for some reason.

  5. I personally find it annoyingly repetitive. We talked about it, and try to mix it up. Being more thoughtful in the exchange has really helped us grow as a couple. Instead of I love you, I adore you, you’re my favorite, I appreciate you, we have a few nicknames that are only what they are due to our feelings for each other so using our nicknames is another expression of our love. You don’t necessarily have to ask her to change anything she does, but try it for yourself. Seek out new ways to express yourself and see how it feels.

  6. I struggle with this same issue with my gf. She’s the fucking best and says I love you to me all the time but for some reason it’s so hard for me to get out. We’ll find our way eventually brother

  7. I have the same mental barrier.

    I’m (F28) in a relationship with my partner (M29) for 5 years, have a house and future plans together. We have an amazing sex life, good communication, and we’re altogether in a great place right now. Yet we hardly ever say it to each other.

    I believe the way we started the relationship has a big impact on my side because we originally met as FWB and saying such affection out loud would have meant an end to it all. We clearly worked though feelings with each other after about a year of sleeping together. We transitioned into a serious relationship rather than having a clear cut “we’re dating now” moment. It was my first relationship too so I’m sure it’s probably rooted in my head not to say it.

    Not going to lie, the issue has come up once or twice from my end because even though I’m confident we’re good for each other, hearing it -however rarely- does mean a lot to me.

    From our conversations, I’ve learned he thought he didn’t need to /say/ it all the time, and that his language is in touch. There was also a time in Jan this year when he told me he didn’t know if he could say it back. Since then though,I don’t push it, and he does say it sometimes. But I notice more in the way he touches me, speaks to me, and is just all round comfortable being around me…that tells me the same as I love you’s would.

    So as some other comments have said, you two need to talk about it. If your love language is more physical and verbal, you still need to tell her so she knows and doesn’t think the Love is lacking on your end.

  8. My husband is like this. I thought it would bother me but he shows me that he loves me all the time, so if I need reassurance I have a lot of evidence pointing to his love. And if I really just want to hear it from him, I ask.

  9. It could be for many reasons. My sister has an issue with “I love you” from partners or family because our home life was really difficult. I love yous were said all the time but it was always associated with mistreatment or as a way to guilt us into behaving or to forgive abusive behaviors. If we have an argument and I say I love her (I am the opposite and need that reassurance) she gets upset and ignores it. I have found that using other similar phrases works better with expressing my feelings. One of the silly ones is I’ll text her “I luff you”.

    Could this be something you relate to? Is there a reason you’re adverse to “I love you” specifically? Have you tried finding your own terminology for I love you instead?

    I think it’s important your wife knows how much you love and care about her. How you show her and tell her doesn’t matter, as long as she’s getting the message clearly.

  10. It’s not your love language and you have trouble verbalizing your feelings.

    Plenty of people like you. Personally I would never date such a type or I would do tit for tat and stop saying I love you/compliments.

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