I’m (m43) & married for 13 years. Several months ago it was my wife’s (f39) birthday. We went out for a nice dinner then went to a bar for some drinks and dancing. We were drunk but not too drunk because sex was on the menu.
We got home just after midnight and we started making out. After we had undressed I asked her, “what do you want me to do to you?“ Now since it was her birthday I really wanted her to tell me what she wanted so that I could treat her and make this about her.
In our entire 13 years of marriage every single time I’ve asked her that question she has given me the same answer, “I don’t know, whatever you want “. So I was expecting that answer but also hoping that this time it would be different.
However, she paused then burst into tears. She started sobbing and said; “I don’t know! I don’t know what l want and I’ve never known!”
I comforted her and calmed her down, got her a gown and some water and she started talking about how she’s always never understood sex, how no one ever taught her how to have sexual feelings (yes she said that).
So I started to ask questions and in summary she said she doesn’t really get sexual feelings for men or women, she never feels horny and she’s never understood the fuss about sex. She’s always hated sex scenes in movies and would skip the sex scenes when she read romantic novels. The act itself feels good and she orgasms but that’s about it. When I asked about the early days when we met and got married coz we had lots of sex then, she replied that she thought if she had a lot of sex then something within her would be triggered and she would start getting the feelings.
We concluded that she might be somewhere on the asexuality spectrum.
It was honestly a relief to me somewhat, because I always thought it was me, that I wasn’t attractive enough, that I wasn’t big enough, or that we were just not sexually compatible..
The problem came about a month later. She was talking about her next appointment with Her therapist for her anxiety disorder and I casually asked her if she was going to bring up the asexuality issue as a possible trigger for her anxiety. At first she seemed surprised that old mentioned it, then she started denying that he had said anything like that. Afterwards she said she was drunk and I shouldn’t have taken her seriously.
We have sex once or twice a month and when it happens it’s plain boring. I can tell she’s just doing it to fulfil her duties as a wife. I was hoping this admission would help her and us acknowledge and understand the situation so we can have a better relationship.
How do I bring this up again without starting a fight or making her defensive?
Honesty is the best policy, suggest a comfortable place to have a chat and explain you’d like to talk about her questioning her sexuality, reassure her as much as she needs, that it was kind of a relief to hear about it, you’re there to help her through it every step of the way, it won’t change how you feel about her, etc. and all the other things you say to your SO. be as supportive as possible and try to work things out at her pace otherwise it’s putting this gap between you that’ll be harder to bounce back from over time, best of luck to you <3 that’s what I would do anyway