Sunday, March 26, 2023
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Wife needs indépendance. she wants to hang out with other dudes only without me.

We recently realized we spent almost 3 years together everyday.
For me it was fine, we’re in a foreign country, no family around, she’s also very shy, not to say she has social anxiety and I’m not. I’m just a regular social person.
For over 3 years, this situation has never been a problem for any of us.
Yet, 3 weeks ago, she started thinking that she would love to do ” her things ”, without me. Something that would belong to her rather than to us.
So she started to talk with a work colleague almost h24, while we are seating, watching movies, while I’m sleeping, she is texting him.
Today, after a little breakup, she comes back, tells me:
I’m going hiking with – this guy-, just him and me. Nothing is going to happen. Anyway if he tries anything I will stop him.
I said OK. I can drive you there, I’ll meet the guy and you do your hiking. She told me “NO that’s what my dad would do”.

Also, she told me next week she’s going to hang out with this guy again + 3 other mofos. We’re gonna explore an abandoned hospital. It’s gonna be cool. (I can’t come because she wants it to be HER things.)

I’m lost, I can’t even start to think what she would say/do if I did the same with a girl.

What direction should I take? Trust and risk my relationship, putting aside my self-esteem and dignity? Or refuse categorically and end up breaking up since I’m ” controlling her. ”?

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  1. OP, are you messing with us?

    You posted twice 19 days ago and three months ago (edited correct times here) and it was about your girlfriend, not wife.

    In one of the posts, she’s 20. In another, she’s 21. In this third one, you conveniently left out your ages.

    In each post, you give different details then hide crucial information in your next post (your girlfriend/wife treating you horribly in public, she crying about it, etc).

    Are you trolling?

  2. She’s cheating. I think she is still in the affaire fog. and why are being a doormat and allowing this? set your damn boundaries. and why does she feel the need to talk to another male than her husbands.

    She is cheating emotionally and probably physically by your benediction.

    check her phone. and social media. if she want independence giver her the ultimate one the divorce.

  3. Yeah bro you lost that woman, I’m sorry to hear that.
    I could never imagine my GF asking me to not come to her activities. It’s always the fucking guy friend smh. This will be the 7th post today that I see about about a guy friend Jesus, but nope I get downvoted every time I mention it.

  4. It’s sad. She is obviously cheating on OP and OP is on denial. Dude get a PI. Have her checked out while with her EP. Check her massages and back them up (copy). With proof confronte her.
    It’s sure missed up. Don’t be a doormat.
    Good luck

  5. > Nothing is going to happen. Anyway if he tries anything I will stop him.

    The way she phrased this is extremely telling.

    If they’re platonic friends, she would have said, “He won’t try anything, he is in a relationship/we’re just friends.”

    If she trusted him and knows he isn’t attracted to her, she would have said, “He won’t step out of line, I’m not his type.”

    The fact that she brought up that he might make a move out of nowhere shows that he has likely flirted with her and expressed interest before.

  6. Maybe her social skills are off and she feels smothered…but the way she’s going about it is 100 percent inappropriate.

    You definitely should be able to meet these guys.

    Hiking with Friends is normal, however suddenly she wants a ton of just her hobbies where she intentionally excludes you. That’s either an over correction or something else is going on.

    The issue I have is the part where she says, if anything happens, I will stop him…wtf is that?!

    Does the guy not know she’s married? Has she made this a date? Is she leading him on? Did he already express interest? Like that whole part us a little odd…

  7. Hits home, I’m in a foreign country and I have the same problem as OP’s wife, except I’m in my 30’s.

    It’s unhealthy in a relationship to do *literally everything* together, it’s also so freaking boring, doesn’t allow you to separate and grow and come back and share your experiences.

    Also, it can get very lonely in a foreign country with no family or friends and just your spouse to offload all your social needs on, again, not healthy and not good for the relationship in the long run.

    From all of that, I understand your wife’s POV of wanting to be independent.

    Now from my own experience, single dudes can be very annoying and might misunderstand our friendship, especially depending on where you are and the culture. So I found myself avoiding men for this reason, BUT, if I was working in this country and had colleagues at work that I know and hang with at work, then I would 100% use that friendship outside of work. It can be very challenging to find friends in a foreign country, depends on so many factors like language, culture, etc.

    My advice to OP is do exactly the thing you’re scared of doing, not out of revenge, but as an experiment for yourself and your wife. If you have female friends at work that you have been avoiding developing a friendship with just so you “remain loyal” to your crazy jealous wife, you now have an opportunity where she absolutely can’t say anything to you if you start hanging out with your female friends. If she says out anything, point out the hypocrisy. Tell her you had a lot of free time when she started hanging out with friends that you too want the same thing for yourself, to have friends and have fun.

  8. You tell her you’ll do the same thing. Maybe she wants to be in an open marriage. See what she has to say. And if she stops you then she has to stop this too.

  9. Probably will be downvoted but wth.

    I totally understand your wife’s need for having a part of her life that’s idependent of you. When you spend all your time with just one person it’s easy to fall into a routine, stop making an effort and take each other for granted. I find it healthy to go out of the couple and experience something on your own.

    With that in mind, what your wife is doing is shady af. Refusing to be dropped off, insisting on only hanging out with men, keeping in touch with a coworker 24/7? This is hard pass. At the very least she has an emotional affair with this dude and lost her better judgment.

  10. Who are these random men. Are they mutual friends? How did she meet them? I would be concerned if my partner suddenly wants to spend alone time with random guys she just met

  11. How do you know she is where she says she is? You’re not there. She’s doing her things with a guy. Not you, a guy. He’s literally her side piece. I’m sorry if that’s hard to hear, but she’s trying on a new relationship without giving up the security of the old one.

  12. It is neither controlling, or unreasonable to not want your wife hanging out with a bunch of guys much less chatting one up 24/7. Also, there are plenty of activities a spouse can do that can be their time that does not involve the opposite sex. There is no excuse for this and her closeness with the coworker is a big fat red flag, especially where she wants you completely excluded, and all the manipulation and gas lighting in the world that she is pulling on you won’t change this. I would firmly let her know that her behavior with these men has exceeded your boundaries and you are not interested in a song and dance from her about how platonic it is, this ends immediately if she values you and the marriage. I know I would not put up with this and if she refuses, then she is clearly letting you know where her priorities are and it’s not with you and the marriage.

  13. You can’t see it, probably because you don’t want to believe it, but at the very minimum she has been emotionally cheating on you. And I can tell you now that her +4 males in an abandoned hospital is not good for your relationship.

    You paint your only options as letting her go, and risk your relationship, or stop her and risk your relationship.

    You forgot option 3 you end the relationship on your terms.

    You tell her that while you like that she has started to find friends, the fact that they are all single males is making you uncomfortable, and you are rethinking your relationship because she doesn’t see a problem with that and has rubbished your concerns. You tell her that she can go on these trips if she wants, but that the trust in the relationship has gone, so she will not be welcome back.

    Your relationship is already over, she has used her excuse of wanting independence to guilt you into allowing her to cheat.

    Think what her response would be if you spent a weekend away with a female, just the 2 of you, and then you and her and 3 other females were going away together for the weekend. The divorce papers would be waiting for you to return, and she would have left making sure everyone knew that you cheated.

  14. Chipping in;
    I’m a married woman and I’ve always been better friends with men than with women because of my communication style and interests.

    I’ve also spent most of my time with my husband since we married and that’s quite stifling after long enough. People need space and social variety.

    I go do things with male friends that don’t interest my husband, like weight training or high intensity exercise, landscaping or yard work, construction projects, etc.

    I wouldn’t want him just hanging out while I do those things because part of the benefit of those activities is time apart from him. I mentally and emotionally thrive on a balance: time meeting other people’s needs, time meeting my needs.

    No, I don’t only spend time away from my husband with men, but yes, most of my friends are male, so most of the time, I’m with men.

    I don’t know if it needs said, but I’m absolutely not cheating. It’s not cheating every time someone wants time away from their SO, even if they spend that time with sometime the gender they’re attracted to.

  15. Tell her she can have all the independence she wants, hang out with the guys all she wants – just not as your wife.

    It’s line in the sand time buddy, does she want to be married or not?

    Doesn’t sound like it.

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